I said #metoo when I was 17 and no one cared. 

I said #metoo when I was a teenager and NO ONE CARED. The ski club member who we had practice with every weekend was a child molester. Billy Banks is his name. I spray painted his name on our ski jump to warn the other parents on the lake. To try to have a voice. The ski club members painted over it as soon as the sun rose. I tried to tell other ski club members. They said they knew. They thought I wanted it AT 11 years old. Some others saw and did nothing. Some others, like my own family knew SOMETHING had happened as I told them SOMETHING had happened but it did not stop them from continuing to let my twin brother ski on the ski team. 

I thought I had no voice but as I look back I absolutely did. It is just…no one listened. No one cared. Naming a childmolester on a ski jump is having a voice and using it! It SCREAMS #METOO and yet that got me no where. Attempting suicide got me nowhere. Nothing changed. No extra care was taken for my emotional and mental needs post suicide attempt, post years and years of child molestation. How much more #metoo did there need to be! 

After leaving home to work as a professional waterskier at Seaworld and sleeping in my car for most of a summer, I was hoping to find a place AWAY from the #metoo world. I did not. 

When I was 17 years old I got a job waterskiing in another state and a much older man, the manager (written about in my blog titled the manager) took it upon himself to have repeated sex with me until he was finished using me up. Statutory rape it would be called. 

When I left home finally to get my job at Seaworld waterskiing and finally get away from the lake of child molester protectors I found myself back with The Manager. #metoo was everywhere. He was working there too.

After briefly moving back home to the house on the lake across from the child molester, I moved in with my boyfriend. I moved around a lot in the years to come, running from that lake of horrors. I sold my body to pay rent. I unknowningly dated a pimp (you can search my blog for The girl series which talks about this) and I dated and got engaged to a serious abuser. 

I was only silenced AFTER screaming #metoo. After no one cared I stopped caring about myself and about life. Repeated abuse continued throughout my teenage years from other water skiers, at water skiing events, by much older men, who got me alone as quickly as they could steal my 14 year old self away. Really by the time The Manager got ahold of me I was all but just an empty shell of a body tossed from one man to the next. The waterskiing world of sexual predators preyed upon me like a tied lamb to a pole. 

So when I broke the silence AGAIN a number of years ago about EVERYTHING that came AFTER the “original” child molester, that whole #metoo thing really got shut down. Shhhh we don’t want to hear about your #metoo. Shhhhh. A town, a lake, a ski team, a large group of people learned of what happened to me and did absolutely nothing. I wrote about them on my blog. I wrote and write about my life and experiences on my blog. I think I had this tiny hope that one person would step forward and say #myfault. #Iamsorry. #Iwasyourabuser. #pleaseforgiveme. But that never happened. Each family member worked their own tactics to shut me up. I even had hope that one of them, just one family member would say #Iamsosorryyouwereabused. Nothing. Not one. 

I can only hope and pray that all of the thousands of #metoo out there in the world will bring enlightenment to the magnitude of people affected. But honestly. I think most of them already know. And don’t give a shit. I can count a few hundred on my hands that I didn’t matter to. 

I get it. Lets bring attention to the victim. Lets take a real count. Lets give us all a voice. I get it and I am behind it all the way. But I said me too all by myself when no one cared to listen. So many others said it too. No one cared then. Will they care now? What will change? Will my claim on being a victim CHANGE the way the abuser is treated? It didn’t before! Will it change how I am treated? It didn’t before.

Ok so we have come together and shown the world how many of us there are. 

Now what are we going to do about these fucking abusers???!!!!!!!!! #abuseraccountability #abuserconvictions #letsnametheabusers

Just a number of years ago, not so long ago, in my adult years, I was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s husband. It triggered the PTSD and sent me in a downward spiral that I will fully own up to and admit nearly killed me. I was blamed. I was shamed. It was covered up and he got away with it. David Bloomquist is his name. He is the one I confronted in the grocery store and learned that confronting a sex offender does not take away the pain of what they did. So how far have we come since David Bloomquist? How far have we come where a wife defends her husband KNOWING what he did because he admitted it. At what point are the abusers going to be held accountable for what THEY have done to create all of the #metoo’s . WHEN? 

Tell me when. I certainly would like to know at what point each individual, each trauma, each rape, each molestation, each child, each person, will matter. Not in numbers, although that seems to be what it may take, but in that person’s individual life. At what point will a victim be stood up for and the abuser be taken down?

I’d really like to know what comes next. Because I have raised my hand, spray painted a wall, almost died, and it never mattered. At what point will it matter. At what point will the trauma be validated, the perpetrator be sentenced, and support be given by someone OTHER than a paid therapist. When. 

32 thoughts on “I said #metoo when I was 17 and no one cared. 

    • It is a big realization that it took from 17 years old until 42 years old to finally get my voice back. I have been working on healing for a long time now. The more I see the parts others played in shutting me down the more I see why it is so hard to heal for me and so many others.
      Thank you for your comment.
      The cover ups are everywhere.
      All the way from a small town girl to movie stars. People have KNOWN and done nothing. This has not been a huge secret by the victims but by those who want to deny the victims and either protect the abuser for one reason or another or just live in denial because it is easier for THEM that way
      Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 3 people

      • They make themselves known by reaching out on occasion to remind me of the little they think of me.
        I am only as free of them as my mind allows and with PTSD it is not always as easy as I would hope.
        BUT I choose my two loves here in this house now. I choose to go out every day and embrace the beauty in the world, look for it, embrace it. I choose to be mindful of the good. I do believe the good overpowers the bad. Sometimes the bad just rears it’s ugly head and needs to be coped with in whatever way we can.
        Thanks for your comments.
        Oh how I do hate the ghosts.

        Liked by 2 people

      • It has led me to true mindfulness. It is why I write and post pictures of mindfulness on my blog many times a week. It keeps the balance there. Yes there is the past. Yes there are reminders. But there is also beauty and that is so powerful. I share it on my blog as well, hopefully more than I share the stories of the bad

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dbt I am starting soon. I am still recovering from grandmal seizures that resulted in some short term memory loss and other affects. As soon as I can, for more than a day remember what year it is, then I will start DBT. Until then I just continue every day of 1-2 hour walks embracing nature. It is my way of healing every wound and reminding my soul that it can heal too

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Brilliant as always Bethany. I’ve been asking myself the sane questions..we’re speaking up. What comes next. I find myself researching what contributed to the makings of a sex offender? What are the responses we’re hoping to teach those who don’t know what to say? What are appropriate consequences for sex offenders? And most important: how do we stop sexual abuse in all it’s forms? I continue to value your raw honesty and call to action. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t imagine the kind of journey you have gone through. Why there was no one to listen? Not even your parents! What were they afraid of? Or did they believe you? You had tried so many times in so many way to scream but no one cared. It must have been like a nightmare loving through all the abuse one after another. You’re very pretty and too bad that some terrible guys out there were preying on a unprotected child life you and you had to face the abuse through your adulthood. I hope your voice can be heard now and someone would do something. At the mean time, seek healing to yourself regardless of what happen to the abusers. You come first! Justice comes next!💖💛Thank you for your post!💜💗

    Like

    • This is why I do my mindful walks with pictures everyday. I am healing myself one flower at a time :). Justice may only come along for the next girl whose parents read my story and fight for her! I am ok with that.
      My parents cared about their status. Their ego. And they still do. The obviously ,painfully , have shown in the last 2 years that they do not care about their daughter or they would have been at my door a hundred times.
      I recently learned from a girlfriend who contacted me that her father, a pastor, tried to come and help me but my parents turned him away. There were so many secrets on that lake that everyone cared about keeping them than protecting me. This much I know is true, but to each of their intentions, all I know is no one has ever apologized except the daughter of the man who abused me. That should be enough. Maybe that will be enough. It is still a work in progress!!!!
      Thank you for reading this part of my story. That part was a nightmare. The PTSD that it caused is a nightmare. But I embrace the dreams and try not to let the nightmares take up too much space. Thankfully I have a husband and daughter and friends that love me. I have many blessings.
      Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is heartbreaking but so beautifully written. You do have a voice and it means everything! I am speechless on the degree of pain you had to go through especially because of your family, truly I am sorry and I want to be sorry FOR them. I agree with the feeling of futility of #metoo I know it doesn’t seem to change anything, I think it matters to help some but I still want to see real change. You are helping though, every day you share your life because you ARE a living solution.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know there is more to this post than statutory rape but wanted to say that I was a victim of that also. When I was 13, he was 20. It was not sexual but it was a very emotional relationship for me.

    When I was 16, the guy was 38/39. One night at dinner I told my parents, “I’m seeing someone mom’s age.” My mother was silent. My father said, “Don’t do that anymore,” in his short, abrupt, loud tone of voice.

    Yeah, that worked.

    I had a friend. The friendship basically imploded because I sabotaged it, but she told her mother about the 38 year old guy. Her mother said, “She needs help.” But not in the way you would hope. It was more about my mental state and needing psychiatric help. It was derogatory.

    I was 16! She told no one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s criminal!!!!! A child cannot consent! That is why there are laws. But if adults don’t follow them and other adults don’t protect the child and label them instead it is repulsive.
      I am so sorry that all of that happened. Every bit. That guy should be in prison. What a freakin shame he isnt.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I like the term “child molester protectors”. It’s funny (not funny) how we get more sympathy from strangers than from our own families. I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to figure that one out, without any luck.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Will Carswell, David Barcyzk, J Kopp, #MeToo
    And despite disclosing, I too was hushed, disbelieved, or told to “keep the peace.”

    Thank you for bringing up the names of predators. You gave me strength

    Liked by 2 people

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