I said #metoo when I was a teenager and NO ONE CARED. The ski club member who we had practice with every weekend was a child molester. Billy Banks is his name. I spray painted his name on our ski jump to warn the other parents on the lake. To try to have a voice. The ski club members painted over it as soon as the sun rose. I tried to tell other ski club members. They said they knew. They thought I wanted it AT 11 years old. Some others saw and did nothing. Some others, like my own family knew SOMETHING had happened as I told them SOMETHING had happened but it did not stop them from continuing to let my twin brother ski on the ski team.
I thought I had no voice but as I look back I absolutely did. It is just…no one listened. No one cared. Naming a childmolester on a ski jump is having a voice and using it! It SCREAMS #METOO and yet that got me no where. Attempting suicide got me nowhere. Nothing changed. No extra care was taken for my emotional and mental needs post suicide attempt, post years and years of child molestation. How much more #metoo did there need to be!
After leaving home to work as a professional waterskier at Seaworld and sleeping in my car for most of a summer, I was hoping to find a place AWAY from the #metoo world. I did not.
When I was 17 years old I got a job waterskiing in another state and a much older man, the manager (written about in my blog titled the manager) took it upon himself to have repeated sex with me until he was finished using me up. Statutory rape it would be called.
When I left home finally to get my job at Seaworld waterskiing and finally get away from the lake of child molester protectors I found myself back with The Manager. #metoo was everywhere. He was working there too.
After briefly moving back home to the house on the lake across from the child molester, I moved in with my boyfriend. I moved around a lot in the years to come, running from that lake of horrors. I sold my body to pay rent. I unknowningly dated a pimp (you can search my blog for The girl series which talks about this) and I dated and got engaged to a serious abuser.
I was only silenced AFTER screaming #metoo. After no one cared I stopped caring about myself and about life. Repeated abuse continued throughout my teenage years from other water skiers, at water skiing events, by much older men, who got me alone as quickly as they could steal my 14 year old self away. Really by the time The Manager got ahold of me I was all but just an empty shell of a body tossed from one man to the next. The waterskiing world of sexual predators preyed upon me like a tied lamb to a pole.
So when I broke the silence AGAIN a number of years ago about EVERYTHING that came AFTER the “original” child molester, that whole #metoo thing really got shut down. Shhhh we don’t want to hear about your #metoo. Shhhhh. A town, a lake, a ski team, a large group of people learned of what happened to me and did absolutely nothing. I wrote about them on my blog. I wrote and write about my life and experiences on my blog. I think I had this tiny hope that one person would step forward and say #myfault. #Iamsorry. #Iwasyourabuser. #pleaseforgiveme. But that never happened. Each family member worked their own tactics to shut me up. I even had hope that one of them, just one family member would say #Iamsosorryyouwereabused. Nothing. Not one.
I can only hope and pray that all of the thousands of #metoo out there in the world will bring enlightenment to the magnitude of people affected. But honestly. I think most of them already know. And don’t give a shit. I can count a few hundred on my hands that I didn’t matter to.
I get it. Lets bring attention to the victim. Lets take a real count. Lets give us all a voice. I get it and I am behind it all the way. But I said me too all by myself when no one cared to listen. So many others said it too. No one cared then. Will they care now? What will change? Will my claim on being a victim CHANGE the way the abuser is treated? It didn’t before! Will it change how I am treated? It didn’t before.
Ok so we have come together and shown the world how many of us there are.
Now what are we going to do about these fucking abusers???!!!!!!!!! #abuseraccountability #abuserconvictions #letsnametheabusers
Just a number of years ago, not so long ago, in my adult years, I was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s husband. It triggered the PTSD and sent me in a downward spiral that I will fully own up to and admit nearly killed me. I was blamed. I was shamed. It was covered up and he got away with it. David Bloomquist is his name. He is the one I confronted in the grocery store and learned that confronting a sex offender does not take away the pain of what they did. So how far have we come since David Bloomquist? How far have we come where a wife defends her husband KNOWING what he did because he admitted it. At what point are the abusers going to be held accountable for what THEY have done to create all of the #metoo’s . WHEN?
Tell me when. I certainly would like to know at what point each individual, each trauma, each rape, each molestation, each child, each person, will matter. Not in numbers, although that seems to be what it may take, but in that person’s individual life. At what point will a victim be stood up for and the abuser be taken down?
I’d really like to know what comes next. Because I have raised my hand, spray painted a wall, almost died, and it never mattered. At what point will it matter. At what point will the trauma be validated, the perpetrator be sentenced, and support be given by someone OTHER than a paid therapist. When.