My 40 year old prom.

I didn’t get to go to my senior prom. I was in a mental hospital and then got my GED. I did go on later to get my degree in Early Childhood Education and also became a Chaplain. As for senior prom, it did not happen. My attempted suicide put a kink in all of that. I never even really thought about it until my daughter’s Junior year of highschool. My older brother sent my daughter his daughter’s dress, hoping she could wear it. It didn’t fit her. We ended up finding a girl who had no money for her prom dress and gave it to her. For one day though, I wore that dress. I spun around in the living room. My dog, Jess, posed with me in our “Redefining the past” moment where I got to finally wear a prom dress!

Still makes me smile.

WHY I DEACTIVATED MY FACEBOOK.

My reply

Hers

And mine

AND THIS IS WHY WOMEN DON’T COME FORWARD.

THE “AMEN SISTA” AND BRAVOS ON HER FACEBOOK PAGE FOR HER WORDS…FOR HER DOING WHAT???? IGNORANCE TO WHAT A WOMAN GOES THROUGH. I CANNOT EVEN. I’M GOING TO GO THROW UP NOW. SERIOUSLY. I’M GOING TO GO THROW UP NOW.

MY DAUGHTER READ IT ALL AND SAID IT IS “Internalized misogyny ” OR PLAIN SEXISM. THANKS HONEY. THANK GOD I RAISED A DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS….NOT THIS IGNORANT BULLSHIT ON FACEBOOK.

FACEBOOK CAN JUST UNDO WHAT YEARS OF THERAPY DOES BECAUSE IT IS A REMINDER OF EVERYONE WHO GIVES NOT TWO FUCKS ABOUT THE REALITY OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH.

I WILL NOW DEACTIVATE MY FACEBOOK… WHAT IS THE POINT OF IT ANYWAY? SOAP BOX? PLATFORM? DEFINITELY IS NOT A PLACE OF EDUCATION OR OPENMINDEDNESS.

MAKES ME SICK. LITERALLY SICK.

A caterpillar

Being mindful today was not hard at all. My daughter and I sat outside and embraced every autumn leaf and every ray of sun. We sat outside on our deck ALLLLL day until the sun set. The pictures are of the one maple tree I have and the crepe myrtle that are the only trees on our acre that actually change color. Everything else is a live oak or laurel oak and they stay green year round.

We watched the lizards, spiders, bugs, and plants. I went to take a picture of the green in the aloe plant and we stumbled across this caterpillar. He is APPARENTLY very poisonous! I knew this from researching him before. If you get one hair on you then things don’t turn out well!!! We took a video of him and his cute little deadly self. Ok we took many videos with commentary giving him a fake accent, etc, but we decided we had gotten way out of control so the video is the most silent one I have. Featuring…Hairy!

Wordless Wednesday (cannot be wordless for my friend over at Therapybits!)

Wordless means that my friend cannot know what I have posted. So I’m going to add some words for her…..

* The Camellia bush in my yard. It has hundreds of flowers on it. Some buds, some blooms and everything inbetween. They say they are scentless but when you have hundreds like this and you bury your nose in them they actually DO have a mild sweet scent. Mine are a bright pink but the buds are pink and white striped. Even though they are only pink when they bloom. I felt the blooms for you and the petals look like they would be soft like velvet but they feel like rubber! I closed my eyes when I smelled one and heard a bee buzzing around. He was so loud with my eyes closed. He landed on a leaf and I took his picture, then he went to a bud and seemed perplexed, if bees can be perplexed, as to why he could not get nectar from a closed bud.

*My daughter and my view from the deck. Which is of the 200 year old live oak and the other trees that shade us from the sun. The sky is mostly blue with some few white fluffy clouds.

A leaf that is yellow on a tree that is bare. One last leaf that I barely touched so it didn’t fall and I thought it would be crunchy but it was soft.

A caterpillar that I discovered while looking at my very green aloe plant on the deck. He is the size of a small grape and he is covered in hair that looks just like it would feel like coarse dog hair. I know he is poisonous so I didn’t go near him and infact was nervous after he was no longer there since we both had no shoes on. Supposedly one hair from them can send a person to the hospital. I will have to look up what he will become after his cocoon.

A red leaf fallen from a tree on the ground almost ready to shrivel up with a bright green sprig in front of it casting a shadow bigger than the actual sprig of green.

The horse and the goat that WEREN’T dead

I got out to the prairie and passed by the house of the man who attacked me 10 or so years ago. The more I drive past it the more I guess it is like cognitive behavior therapy self induced and it bothers me less. The man no longer lives there but his wife, my old best friend does. I was on the way to see the goats when I passed the house and was SURE their horse was dead. I have known this horse and ridden him long ago actually cantering him through the same prairie I visit. There is a steep slope down to where he was and I cannot walk on ground like that. Well, I may get down there but I’d never get back. I looked at him and passed him. Then I stopped, looked some more. Thought, Ok he is just napping. So, I went to see my goat and sure enough he was layed out flat too. I called and called the goat and finally he lifted his head but I was sure he was dead. Like OMG all the animals are dead!!!!!! I’ve never ever seen them lay down for so long. I visited with the donkey and the goat never got up and he always runs to see me! I got in the car and drove closer and he lifted his head and then I knew I could go because he was ok.

Getting in and out of the car is the hardest. I can drive with my right leg but walking requires the left and that causes a lot of pain. So I try to get out just one time and see the animals and then go. I had already gotten out twice and now I was going on three times because that HORSE was still not UP!!! I stopped the car. I contemplated. Do I go to the door and let her know her horse is not ok. This woman does not speak to me. This would be hard. What do I do. I got out. Yelled and clapped and still the horse didn’t move. I texted my daughter and a friend that lives back there to see if this was normal. After almost 45 minutes of me getting in and out of the car in a totally quandary about what I was going to do, the horse lifted his head. I was drenched in sweat. My legs were shot. I got in the car to go home and ran into my friend on the way across the prairie who told me that it was totally normal for the old horse to be laying down like that. Ugh. Who knew!

I wonder who else would have felt the same way. I wonder. I really wonder who would have contemplated going back to the house of the attack to warn the owner of her sick horse. Thank heavens the horse is fine. I video taped him to send to my daughter so she could google it while I was there. I even enlarged it to see if I could see if he was breathing. I could see nothing.

So, that was MY excitement for the day. The horse and the goat that weren’t dead….only me I think would even have a day like this.

A donkey, a hawk, a horse, and 3 strangers

I hung out with a donkey today, a hawk, a horse, and three strangers. It felt good. The donkey gave me unconditional love and snuggles and was a fantastic listener. The horse gave me gentleness and kindness and was happy to see a friend. The hawk gave me strength and faith. The three strangers ran a deli where I occasionally get sandwiches for my daughter. I spilled my whole life out to those 3 guys in about 45 minutes and got more compassion and real life emotion in that time than years combined of people in my daily life. Maybe being around someone all the time makes you immune. Who knows. But for a short time I felt that someone got the gravity of what I go through and actually felt it with me. I also ran into the neighbor that leaves me unexpected gifts for no other reason than she is a kind soul. I showed her the picture of the sunset I took yesterday and she genuinely cared.

I had not driven in 11 years due to my muscle disease. I thought I couldn’t and did not even try. Then a year ago I decided that I did not want to just give up that ability because someone gave me the stamp of “canceled” on my chart of muscle capability. They don’t even KNOW what I have so how do they KNOW my capabilities. After 10 minutes and a quick look at my chart? It took me months of driving up and down the driveway and back roads. I started out with just putting the car in reverse and neutral and drive. Then I worked on pushing the brake, slamming on the brake, and turning the steering wheel. After 9 months I can finally drive 1 mile to the prairie, which I do every day, and 5 miles to the deli which I try to do once a week. I will admit it causes severe pain but I don’t often notice it while I am experiencing freedom of doing it. I don’t know how much longer I can do this simple thing as my leg and shoulder are going fast. As I look through my sunset pictures that I started again yesterday and my trip to the prairie today, I am grateful that I did not give up this ability. Even if I only have it for a short time. Sheer will and determination beat odds and labels.