Final part..

While on my mindful walk I ran into a neighbor. For a moment I had to sort out who he was and what his story was. I remembered he had seizures. I interrupted a conversation he was having with someone in his driveway to ask him if he could shed some light on his memory after his seizures. I ended up talking to him for much longer than I had anticipated. Talking to him reminded me of something I had forgotten. He and his wife divorced years ago. Many of the neighbors were asked to testify in the divorce. I was one of the neighbors. It was my first deposition. Then my first testimony in front of a judge. It was so stressful that I had a seizure. It was worth it to do the right thing by this child though. Probably should have been put on meds back then!!!!! Perhaps I would have not then had 5 massive seizures years later. Anyway, the attorney that deposed me I really liked. I liked her a lot. She sent me tons of emails asking for clarification on certain things. After I testified, I thought long and hard before sending her an email. I decided I wanted to civilly sue the man who sexually assaulted me. I wanted justice. It was the only real written or spoken word of the events that happened in the garage years prior. The attorney never replied. I called the office and was told she got the email. I waited. She never replied. I called again. No response. She just wanted me for that divorce. She was nice to me to get what she wanted. I bore my soul with the explicit details of what had happened to me. She did nothing. Said nothing. 

Talking to my neighbor brought floods of memories. Memories of me speaking. Memories of me trying to bring justice. Me reaching out for help. Me using my voice. 

What is one to do when their voice goes unheard. Keep yelling? Keep begging? Keep fighting? 

These recent memories have reminded me that I have never given up. 

Those who tried to silence me only succeeded for a short period of time. 

I always came back fighting. 

I always came back with a voice 

Even on this blog. If only on this blog. I have a voice. For anyone who chooses to listen. 

I will not be silenced. I will not be afraid. I will not keep the secrets of the abusers or hide their names or be intimidated by them. If an attorney won’t listen, I will tell you that David Bloomquist sexually assaulted me right here on my blog. Maybe some girl will see it and know him and it will protect her. 

When I was just a young girl I painted on our ski jump that Billy Banks is a child molester protect your children. Because I did not just accept being silenced. Maybe one mother or father will read this and protect their child from the secrets of that town and Billy Banks. 

I must tell you that with my health and the PTSD it does feel like I am in a broken state that will not ever be repaired. But I must also tell you that my spirit is still alive and well and it leads directly to my lips that speak the truth. 

I don’t know if I can save another child from what happened to me. 

Maybe a parent will read my story and protect their child better than my parents did me. 

Maybe a parent will read what I did NOT get and choose to love their child as fiercely as I love mine. 

That is my hope and prayer. That every evil that was done to me can be equally replaced by someone choosing to do the RIGHT THING. 

12 thoughts on “Final part..

  1. Man that picture of you holding up the mirror that says – Not My Shame really is so powerful. Empowering voice is empowering life to the fullest.


  2. I wanted to read all 4 parts before I commented. You have been through so much and continue to have so many issues, I cannot know the issues you face daily. I can be there to read what you write and offer encouragement. That attorney is like a lot of people, they say they want to help but all they really want is whatever they need. This man, horrible man, should be brought up on charges as I’m sure you weren’t the only one. I’m praying for you. Seizures alone are horrible so intermingled with everything else, it has to be hard for you to get up daily!


    • Wow I so appreciate you reading all of them. It was a lot. I had all of these parts in my mind that I wanted to share about what I was going through and how complex it all is. But I know others are going through their own struggles. I wanted to lay it all out there I think so others could see that oh, her life is really hard too and it isn’t just the PTSD. We have to go on living through tons of other things and find a way!
      No I know I wasn’t the only one that any of these men abused.
      Thank you for the the prayers. For reading about my life, and for caring. I truly appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I read them all. I read all the parts and I had nothing to say except that I love you because I didn’t know what else to say. I’m not going to quote “Christian cliches” to you because you are not in need of them. You don’t need cliches. You need to be loved. You are loved my beautiful one. You are loved. I love you. I love you very very much.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think people built like Us, Rest for awhile, to catch our breath, and then we go back to fighting. Sometimes that fight changes tacts … but we’ll always fight ❤


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