Scheduled dates give me a great amount of anxiety. There are a variety of reason’s why. 1. Do I drink water ahead of time knowing I will need help getting in and out of the bathroom in my scooter 2. My scooter will then be germed up with other people’s urine that will have to then be cleaned by me 3. My scooter will smell like whatever restaurant and then come in the house and I won’t be able to get away from the smell 4. The overstimulation of the restaurant 5. Will I get enough sleep the night before to even feel well enough to go. 6. Do I take extra breakthrough seizure meds to make sure I don’t have a seizure and then will that make me not even hungry. 7. While in my scooter will the table and food be easy for me to access and eat comfortably.
This is why any trip out can be stressful. This is why my husband is great about my spontaneously saying “ Lets go to Miapa” a Cuban restaurant that is my new found love!!!!
Today, I woke up, hadn’t had a lot to drink yet so I knew the bathroom would not be an issue, had just taken my seizure meds so that would not be an issue so I decided to go for it.
I did great until we got there and then I forgot to add to my list, anxiety (a fun partner to Tourette syndrome and OCD). I got to the table and was squished. The tail end of my scooter was sticking out, I knew there was a possibility that someone would accidently bump in to me. Forgot to add that to the list too. If someone bumps into me then it jars me, startles me, triggers PTSD if I am startled. An entire ball of….well something! All because I could not fit under the table and close enough to the wall.
ALL fixed by the waitress who for some reason could see my stress level. I have no idea how she picked up on it, but she asked the guys behind us to move their table back, readjusted our table by turning it sideways and boom all was well. My moment of panic subsided as she squat down next to me and asked me if she could help me out with the menu.
Just one kind person wiped out my list. An entire list, wiped out by kindness. My husband also was acutely aware of my distress and asked me if I was ok, validating that at the moment I was not and he noticed.
Such little things are such big things in my world.
I closed my eyes as I ate each bite of food and tried to tell what flavor I was tasting.
When we got home we went on a walk to look for pink. Any pink. There is a pink Camelia next to our house that I saved years ago with vinegar and dish soap. I cleaned each leaf that had a fungus on it. It took me hours to clean that plant with my concoction. Today I counted and stopped counting when I got to 100 buds on it. Some barely starting out, some about to bloom. Two were actually flowers. There were pink Camelias starting to bloom everywhere. Some had a surprise visit by an ant or a bee just as I was taking a picture. After our walk we went to the prairie because I wanted to wait for the pink. There was every shade of blue and orange. I waited. I even went to give the sweet horse a carrot and come back and waited some more. Finally, there was some pink. I looked at it. Then I closed my eyes and felt it. The calming of standing out there alone with the tiny wisp of pink in the clouds as the sun set.
I wondered for a minute what the infrequent passerby drivers must think as they occasionally pass me on the prairie. They don’t know I have a muscle disease. They don’t know my challenges and how hard it is to stand there. They don’t know of my long whatif list that sometimes plagues me that can be wiped out by the setting sun. They don’t know that in that moment there ARE no challenges and it is just me and the sky. Maybe they can see it on my face and know the peace I am feeling like the woman in the restaurant knew by looking at me the distress I was feeling.
Today I had gratitude for all of the pink and the way that the pink made me feel. I also had gratitude for those who notice and truly see me.