Living:part 3

My husband and I went out to a lake on the prairie and hoped to find the eagle’s nest we found last time we went to the prairie. We hoped to see the eagle too. I took my scooter as my legs no longer wanted to even move. We road out down a path to a dock. First we saw a bird in a tree. I have no idea what kind of bird he was but just beautiful. I was looking at a flower on the edge of the water when my husband said LOOK UP. And there was the bald eagle. Soaring in the sky. Beautifully soaring. We watched him for a long time. He flew away, came back, circled over our heads, flew off, came back, circled us again. It was magical I must say. I took a few last pictures of the prairie and some things that caught my eye. That eagle though…that was really living. Sitting in my chair, leaning back against my husband, looking at that eagle…that was living.

Living: part 2

My husband and I went to Paynes prairie in hopes of seeing some deer to photograph. I had NO idea where that would lead me.

We drove slowly down the road to get to the prairie. Along side of the road my husband saw one deer. He ran off. Then we pulled up a little more and saw 2 deer. I had my scooter in the back of the car but I knew that it could not go into the woods. I thought I would just walk to the edge of the woods. 2 of the deer ran off but one just stood there looking at me. My husband later said he could hear me talking to her. She turned and walked into the woods and I followed her. I have not walked in the woods for…12 or so years maybe. I focused 100% on the deer. I didn’t even look down at the ground I was walking on. I just followed her. She kept stopping and looking at me. Then we got to a clearing. I could see a pond and something beyond her. She turned around and looked right at me with another deer that walked up. I started to cry. I felt in my heart the innocence of this creature who had led me into the woods. She pinned one ear back and one to me. One to listen to me as I talked to her and one to what was behind her. Then she dashed off. She gave me this…don’t go further look…I didn’t listen. I wanted to see what she had her ear cocked back at. I walked forward and saw them. They were wild pigs, boar, I have no idea. There were 10 tiny babies. A mother. I stood there and dare not move! She saw me and did this awful squeal and I thought for sure I was a goner. Then I gently told her that I was safe and everything was ok and I would not come further. She just looked at me. I took her picture so I didn’t forget it. Then she ran off with all of her babies. I was left in the middle of the woods with this pond. I thought. Ummm. How do I get back!!!!! I’m in the middle of the woods. I didn’t even see my car!!!! My husband later said he lost sight of me and I was so far he didn’t even hear the pig.

I slowly made my way back to the car. I walked very slowly and carefully. It was not as easy as when I was focused on the deer!!! But i made it. I was immediately given a protein bar and water and announced that I could cross of walking in the woods from my bucket list!!!!

Living:part 1

When we moved into this house my mother’s second husband who she is nolonger married to, gave me a camellia.

After 14 years of waiting, it bloomed.

I was very excited. Took pictures in the middle of the night, the next morning, and every day since. I put it on my facebook which I reactivated JUST to show that picture and tag him in it. I never got a response.

I then wondered why. I checked out my family’s accounts which I am blocked on but a few things are available like my brother’s dirt bikes which were stolen. That facebook post was shared over 200 times. My father and my mother’s second husband both wrote their sympathy comments. There were tons of other comments in reference to our lake I grew up on. How sad it was for Lily lake. I felt immediate rage.

For 40 years I felt numb. I did not allow myself to feel. Then the dam burst and I allowed myself to feel everything I had denied myself because others had denied me. I put a time limit on my emotions though. 3 days. I could feel rage for 3 days. That rage turned to anger. I could feel that anger for 3 days. Then it was time to move past it, process it, or put it back in the box to be sorted later. I didn’t want to live in a state of anger and rage. But I also did not want to stop myself from feeling.

I have altered that plan as I have moved forward through this healing process of abuse. I’ve tried to let that anger stay for only 3 hours and not 3 days. 3 hours I let myself feel. I am aware, so aware of my feelings now. I know my own limitations, my own boundaries, my own personal space needs, my own self love needs, my need for companionship, and my need for isolation.

I was busy being very angry late last night that not only was my 14 year wait for my camellia to bloom not acknowledged, that I didn’t realize I had gone way past my 3 hour mark. I have honestly no idea if her ex husband got the picture but that isn’t the point. The point is, I was led to a string of conversations over that stupid lake and how sad it was for dirtbikes when no one seemed ever to be even validating of what happened to me. Like a dog who has been barking incessantly for hours and finally someone says STOP., My brain was barking wildly. Then a very sweet girl I had never met interrupted my own mind of anger. She had watched my muscle disease videos on youtube and had reached out to me on facebook to thank me. We chatted for awhile. This one girl gave me such a gift. She put everything in perspective.

For so many years I wanted to be heard. I wanted validation. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and to feel that love. I wanted others to make right what they had allowed to be wronged. I wanted from others something they were incapable of. The focus was on them. I was focused on what they did not give me and never would. As time passed I realized that if being molested or raped didn’t matter, then having a muscle disease didn’t matter, then having a sick child didn’t matter, well, I didn’t matter. JUST to them. But they really should not matter to me anymore. They never understood my heart. They never understood the depths of my heart to feel love and loss. They never will. So ofcourse it won’t mean the same to any of them that I waited for my camellia to bloom for 14 years. What matters to them is not what matters to me. To them it is sad that dirt bikes got stollen from Lily lake. So sad. Yet a child got molested there. A child tried to kill herself there. That child got nothing and still gets nothing. Less than nothing actually from any of them.

Things shifted for me last night. When that sweet girl sent me the message about what my videos meant to her. I thought about how much I seek validation and to be heard and to be loved by those incapable. I am not saying I am better than those people. I am just nothing like those people and never will be. They are nothing like me and will not be. I shifted my focus on being heard and validated by them, back to me.

I have to validate myself. I have to love myself. I have to know myself. I have to accept myself. I have to enlighten myself. I have to move forward towards self love. There are people in the world that DO hear me and love me and appreciate the depths of my soul and I cherish those people. Those who leave understanding comments on my blog, who leave owl gifts on my front door step and who deliver packages in the mail of something that I think no one even knew I would cherish but I do. The weight has shifted. I no longer need to be validated. I no longer need to be accepted. I know myself. I recognize me. I see that I am special in the way that I am and I love that I feel so intensely. I love that I connect to nature, to animals. I love that I care about those suffering and want to help them. I love my heart and soul. I don’t need outside validation anymore. I just don’t need them to know me, see me, validate me, because they never will and I now have moved beyond that need.

So when I go out with this muscle disease and all the other parts of illness that I have, I go out for me. I go out in search of life, of joy. I take photographs of the moments that mean something to me. They are not perfect. To me though, they are. I look at the red leaf, the pink sky, the bark on the tree that I felt for my friend that was blind, just so I knew what she would feel with my eyes closed.

I’ve chosen life. I’ve chosen to move beyond . I’ve chosen to rise above the drama, the lies, the denial, the evil of this earth, and not let it drag me down with it. They have made their choices.

I decided a long time ago that when I died, I wanted to be able to tell God that I really LIVED. I saw the sunsets, I saw and felt the flowers, the grass between my toes. That I heard the waves of the beach and the sound the wind made in bamboo and that I smelled the honeysuckle. I would tell Him that I got in my wheelchair and I went on adventures. That I beat the odds and drove again. That I even ran one last time just for Him and for me! I wanted to be able to tell him that I loved unconditionally. That I saw the deer and looked her in the eye and felt, truly felt. That I did not give up because of my past or my limitations. I wanted to tell God that I didn’t let mankind, childabuse, or disease, stop me from living.

So, I woke up today and my husband and I went on an adventure. It was an adventure of a lifetime. Nothing else mattered but each leaf and how the sun shone on it. Each thing I looked at was all that mattered. I even ate my lunch savoring every bite and not wasting one bite. I could easily have let my past and this disease eat up my will. I know my body is deteriorating. But when it finally goes. I want to say I chose to live until It did. Now I feel like I can finally say that.

I started living for God and for me.

Just a very large pig

My husband took me out today and I took 3 hours worth of pictures. I know I am no photographer and some are blurry but that is not the point for me. The point is that I LOVEEEE being out in nature and enjoying animals.

Today I brought some treats for the horses, and the pig ran up excited to get some too. I have to admit I have never been this close to a pig and he was oinking!!!! We then went to the park where my husband ran sprints and I found tons of tiny birds that I adored!!!! I posted them separately, and the pig… well…he just needed to be here all on his own!!!!