When we moved into this house my mother’s second husband who she is nolonger married to, gave me a camellia.
After 14 years of waiting, it bloomed.
I was very excited. Took pictures in the middle of the night, the next morning, and every day since. I put it on my facebook which I reactivated JUST to show that picture and tag him in it. I never got a response.
I then wondered why. I checked out my family’s accounts which I am blocked on but a few things are available like my brother’s dirt bikes which were stolen. That facebook post was shared over 200 times. My father and my mother’s second husband both wrote their sympathy comments. There were tons of other comments in reference to our lake I grew up on. How sad it was for Lily lake. I felt immediate rage.
For 40 years I felt numb. I did not allow myself to feel. Then the dam burst and I allowed myself to feel everything I had denied myself because others had denied me. I put a time limit on my emotions though. 3 days. I could feel rage for 3 days. That rage turned to anger. I could feel that anger for 3 days. Then it was time to move past it, process it, or put it back in the box to be sorted later. I didn’t want to live in a state of anger and rage. But I also did not want to stop myself from feeling.
I have altered that plan as I have moved forward through this healing process of abuse. I’ve tried to let that anger stay for only 3 hours and not 3 days. 3 hours I let myself feel. I am aware, so aware of my feelings now. I know my own limitations, my own boundaries, my own personal space needs, my own self love needs, my need for companionship, and my need for isolation.
I was busy being very angry late last night that not only was my 14 year wait for my camellia to bloom not acknowledged, that I didn’t realize I had gone way past my 3 hour mark. I have honestly no idea if her ex husband got the picture but that isn’t the point. The point is, I was led to a string of conversations over that stupid lake and how sad it was for dirtbikes when no one seemed ever to be even validating of what happened to me. Like a dog who has been barking incessantly for hours and finally someone says STOP., My brain was barking wildly. Then a very sweet girl I had never met interrupted my own mind of anger. She had watched my muscle disease videos on youtube and had reached out to me on facebook to thank me. We chatted for awhile. This one girl gave me such a gift. She put everything in perspective.
For so many years I wanted to be heard. I wanted validation. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and to feel that love. I wanted others to make right what they had allowed to be wronged. I wanted from others something they were incapable of. The focus was on them. I was focused on what they did not give me and never would. As time passed I realized that if being molested or raped didn’t matter, then having a muscle disease didn’t matter, then having a sick child didn’t matter, well, I didn’t matter. JUST to them. But they really should not matter to me anymore. They never understood my heart. They never understood the depths of my heart to feel love and loss. They never will. So ofcourse it won’t mean the same to any of them that I waited for my camellia to bloom for 14 years. What matters to them is not what matters to me. To them it is sad that dirt bikes got stollen from Lily lake. So sad. Yet a child got molested there. A child tried to kill herself there. That child got nothing and still gets nothing. Less than nothing actually from any of them.
Things shifted for me last night. When that sweet girl sent me the message about what my videos meant to her. I thought about how much I seek validation and to be heard and to be loved by those incapable. I am not saying I am better than those people. I am just nothing like those people and never will be. They are nothing like me and will not be. I shifted my focus on being heard and validated by them, back to me.
I have to validate myself. I have to love myself. I have to know myself. I have to accept myself. I have to enlighten myself. I have to move forward towards self love. There are people in the world that DO hear me and love me and appreciate the depths of my soul and I cherish those people. Those who leave understanding comments on my blog, who leave owl gifts on my front door step and who deliver packages in the mail of something that I think no one even knew I would cherish but I do. The weight has shifted. I no longer need to be validated. I no longer need to be accepted. I know myself. I recognize me. I see that I am special in the way that I am and I love that I feel so intensely. I love that I connect to nature, to animals. I love that I care about those suffering and want to help them. I love my heart and soul. I don’t need outside validation anymore. I just don’t need them to know me, see me, validate me, because they never will and I now have moved beyond that need.
So when I go out with this muscle disease and all the other parts of illness that I have, I go out for me. I go out in search of life, of joy. I take photographs of the moments that mean something to me. They are not perfect. To me though, they are. I look at the red leaf, the pink sky, the bark on the tree that I felt for my friend that was blind, just so I knew what she would feel with my eyes closed.
I’ve chosen life. I’ve chosen to move beyond . I’ve chosen to rise above the drama, the lies, the denial, the evil of this earth, and not let it drag me down with it. They have made their choices.
I decided a long time ago that when I died, I wanted to be able to tell God that I really LIVED. I saw the sunsets, I saw and felt the flowers, the grass between my toes. That I heard the waves of the beach and the sound the wind made in bamboo and that I smelled the honeysuckle. I would tell Him that I got in my wheelchair and I went on adventures. That I beat the odds and drove again. That I even ran one last time just for Him and for me! I wanted to be able to tell him that I loved unconditionally. That I saw the deer and looked her in the eye and felt, truly felt. That I did not give up because of my past or my limitations. I wanted to tell God that I didn’t let mankind, childabuse, or disease, stop me from living.
So, I woke up today and my husband and I went on an adventure. It was an adventure of a lifetime. Nothing else mattered but each leaf and how the sun shone on it. Each thing I looked at was all that mattered. I even ate my lunch savoring every bite and not wasting one bite. I could easily have let my past and this disease eat up my will. I know my body is deteriorating. But when it finally goes. I want to say I chose to live until It did. Now I feel like I can finally say that.
I started living for God and for me.