I am like one of those geckos that need a heat lamp. My skin is warmed by my husband’s body temperature but as soon as I move a chill goes straight to the bone. I have no desire or delight in the idea of seeing the sun beam on a flower or the sun on my skin. I have no poetry or thought in my mind. It is as if my brain is just a vast desert of sand. Just sand. And my brain is too big for my skull so it is pressing on the back of my head trying to burst out and the pressure makes me want to scream. My right eye ball is pulsing and aching. Anxiety is filling every part of part of me with no thought what-so-ever. I am covered in layers of blankets but cannot get warm. Even the heating blanket is set on the hottest setting but is making no difference. I arm writing this with one eye as my head is covered in a blanket.
I tried to go out earlier with my husband but the smells were overwhelming. Even he smelled them and validated the permeating nature of their smell but then I now smell things I don’t exist except within a brain that is scrambled.
I woke up this morning to a nightmare and a seizure. Did the nightmare cause the seizure? Who knows. My medication should have prevented that. I should have known based on the PTSD moments I have had in the last few days, the smells that my daughter has not confirmed exist even though they are no doubt in my nose. I should have known it was coming. But I did not so I woke up covered in sweat and urine shivering. I took my pill that was supposed to fix all of this. Why didn’t it? Because I decided to restart the Lyme disease treatment? Does that mean the Lyme is causing the seizure and killing the Lyme causes more? These are answers I fear I will never know the answer to.
So I lay here in bed feeling forlorn, dull, despondent, devoid of anything but cold. I wonder if the end of my story will actually be a good ending or bad. It would be a shame if it ended badly after everything I have been through. I’d love to give all those who never fought for me, never supported me, never contributed to my healing, recovery, and safety a big ole fuck you because I’m well even though you did nothing! But I don’t know if that will be the case. I honestly at this point have no idea what will happen to me. I don’t know what to treat, what is the next step, and I honestly don’t even care. I’d just like to get warm.