Talk about me

I went out to the prairie tonight to look at the moon.

I met a man out jogging. I watched him running down the road through the prairie and for a moment I tried to imagine being him. I watched his arms and legs and I stood in place and moved like I was running slowly in place. I thought about what would happen if I put one step forward just to feel one last time what it felt like to really run. Then I thought better, knew my leg would break and it would ruin the last of my independence. So instead I sat in the car and I looked over the prairie and I remembered. I remembered when I used to canter the horse through that field. How the horse felt underneath me and how I would rock back and forth as the horse moved. I wondered if that is what it felt like in the womb. I looked up at the moon and wondered all of these things and reminisced about how it felt to have been able to run and ride a horse through this prairie. I thought about my friend Kae and how I wish she could be sitting in the car with me looking at the moon and how she’d toss out a quick poem to sum it all up.

I went to the prairie because I was having terrible dissociation due to a PTSD trigger. The prairie calms me. Probably because of the hundreds of times I was there on that grass and under that sun and those stars and moon when I was not suffering from a muscle disease and crippling PTSD.

I write this blog as a way to share my life, abuse, recovery, and everything in between.

My life as a woman, mother, wife, trying her best to overcome childhood abuse, health conditions, and PTSD. I share my inner most thoughts through poetry, and through posts like this where my fingertips write the words I may not be able to say out loud.

I realize that coming from a small town, there will be those who read my blog as a gossip line. A new tale to tell at the dinner table of Bethany’s struggles. I find that sad.

If you want to talk about me, or spread my story, then do it with the same courage I have by writing out my life publicly for all to read. Do it with integrity. Talk about the abuse I am trying so hard to overcome. Talk about how women can better be helped, encouraged, protected, supported through the recovery of abuse. Talk about the parts of my life that you, in your own life could help someone else with. Talk about me. Tell my story. Do it for the same reason I started and will continue this blog, to be real, raw, honest, and true, in every aspect of my life so as to connect to others doing the same. Talk about me so that my story does not repeat as it has unfolded to this day. Teach. Educate. Change the future for anyone who has had to go through sexual abuse.

Talk about me.

Talk around your dinner table about what COULD have been done for Bethany along the way so that she would not be struggling as she is now. What can you do for your friend, your daughter, your cousin, your mother, your coworker, to show them that they matter! What can you say or action can you take that proves that this individual has worth beyond the shame they may feel in the shadows of abuse. How can you empower. How can you offer presence.

Talk about me with your Doctor friends. Tell them how I should have/could have been diagnosed with this muscle disease at 8 years old if only someone believed me.

Talk about me to your psychologist and let her/him know that you are not alone in your feelings of abandonment, rage, despondency, dissociation, depression, frustration, loneliness.

Talk about me to someone in need. Give them my blog so they can contact me. Give them my email address bethanykays@hotmail.com so they know there is a person in the world that will listen always.

In your small town, your big town, in your car, to your spouse, under the stars, tell my story of weakness and strength… of my breakdowns and my victories…of my mindfulness…of my deep capacity of empathy and ability to love…Tell my truth just as my fingertips will tell you about the beauty that the moon radiated as I put my hand out to it.

But don’t gossip.

Let my life, my story, my pain, my suffering, my survival MEAN SOMETHING.

25 thoughts on “Talk about me

  1. Love this for so many reasons… the more I get to know u the more alike we seem… thank you for taking me on your walk this evening… that’s how your pictures felt to me…. so watching the moon together … I’m in:)…the last part of ur post when you went into talking about u is so extremely powerful.. I read it to my daughter and she said ,” mom that could be spoken word “.., you have such heart, talent and vision Bethany… ” an amazing woman you are !!

    Like

  2. Also… I too feel safer hiding in poetry… somethings I write and think … there I have said it.. if anyone asks how I feel about this subject, or just if appropriate, I will send this to them…and not have to explain myself ….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Look at the Moon, the Supermoon, on Sunday night. (nationwide, i think … hmmm) I am going to try and catch it with my granddaughter, on our apartment building roof, looking over the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges, seeing the Statue of Liberty out there. Oh, perhaps we can imagine seeing it over the Prairie, while you watch it from NYC!!! TS
    http://www.ny1.com/nyc/all-boroughs/news/2017/12/01/here-s-what-you-need-to-know-about-the-last–supermoon–of-the-year

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is no pain no gain..
    u have the mighty star in your hand.
    U re the strength the inspiration to your daughter,
    Come what may, my being cannot faulter.
    I am the epitome of strength,
    I can fight I can shine, I can make an I can break,
    Is what you teach.
    I need love I need care but pity is not what I need..

    Stay blessed always Beth..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, you are so brave writing all these things out. I suffer from PTSD… My legs are useless now… I am trying to put my feelings out there to share but can only grab poems and stories about my past. I don’t seem to be able to write about what should be written, about the past… Or the present.

    I wanted you to know I respect what you are writing so much. I know it cannot be at all easy. It’s hard to have tears roll down your face, reading about others emotions that reflect your own in so many ways. I think you have an amazing soul. I hope you continue to write…

    Have I ever mentioned how much I like your photos! keep posting those too… Open fields… the roads… The imagery touches me very deeply.

    Like

    • Some days my true feelings can only come out in poetry. Some days I can write it out plainly and it flows. It is so odd how each emotion comes with a challenge and can only be expressed and released in a specific way, with me.
      I’m so sorry you are suffering from PTSD too. It sucks. It just is freaking awful. It was very hard to share at first and then I found once I started writing about it as part of my daily life experiences it was easier.
      Thank you very much for the respect. That really means a lot to me. Because you know how hard this stuff is to write about!
      Sometimes the photos evoke something that I couldn’t really understand before and then I look at them and I feel I can finally let something out.
      I really do appreciate you taking time to read my blog. Thank you

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s