Poetry

I wonder

What does my mother pray for me

Does she pray selflessly

Or selfishly

Does she ask and want

Or does she pray for me at all

I heard she cries for me

But does she just cry for her

Does she seek other’s consoling words

Does she want what once was

Those days good for her

I went unheard

Does she want

Truly want what is good for me

Or only for what is “seen”

I wonder

What does my mother ask for when praying

And is it ever

Like I pray for my daughter

In desperate plea

Does my mother pray that way for me

21 thoughts on “Poetry

  1. One would hope that she does. I like how you pose this question as it underlies the fact that not all of us have parents who have our best interests at heart.

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    • Mine does not. Not all parents love the same. If you substitute pray with love then that, I believe is what I truly meant now that I reread it. I never correct or change as I am writing though or i’d change the entire thing. When I write for my blog or poetry i just write and publish.
      Thank you for understanding

      Liked by 2 people

  2. If I wasn’t feeling so numb right now, this would make me cry.
    I relate to this so well and is likely why I numb to the topic.
    I wonder those same things now that you mention it…for both of us.
    I doubt my mother cries though. She is tough as nails. Actually I think she’s numb.

    I saw her cry only once. I was young. My heart went out to her and I felt her pain, frustration and the sadness. I was so sad and hurt that she’d been made to cry. I don’t remember what it was exactly but there’s a vague memory of it. It was either my father in an argument, or my brother having an intense tantrum and she’d reached a breaking point with this as he had many all the time.

    I think she was close to crying one Christmas morning when my sister had gone downstairs before anyone else was awake (she was 3 maybe?) and ripped open all of my presents. My father had recorded it like every Christmas. It was really weird because you can hear my mother talking in a high voice, scolding my sister and my father saying nothing. It was a pitch I never heard before from her and never again after that. She was so angry at my sister for this but feeling like her hands were tied. I could read this in her tone.

    My sister knew my mother was angry with her so all morning every time she opened a present, she’d yell “Daddy, daddy look!” And she was a mommy’s girl.

    I could tell my mother was so frustrated with what had happened, but there wasn’t much she could do. My sister was a toddler and from what I could tell from the tape recording, my father wasn’t doing much validating or comforting of my mother’s feelings.

    It makes me really sad for my mother when I think about that still.
    You were mentioning rambling in one of your comments on one of my recent posts? Lol.
    Free association gets me every time.

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    • Cool! Free association. I fucking love it!
      This is a moment that would stick in my heart forever that you are talking about. To hear it in the recording would mean your mother felt something, for you, right?
      To have your father just watch and do nothing , I can picture it. How sad for you to have had to experience that.
      I saw my mother cry over my daughter. When my daughter was sick or sad she would cry like it broke her heart and it was recently told to me she cried over me during thanksgiving which at first infuriated me . She doesnt GET to get attention for sadness over me. What kind of bullshit is that. But then it made me really wonder which is why i just wrote this.
      I understand numb. I am either numb or full feeling mode. I seem to never be inbetweeen. I think inbetween would be nice

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      • In between is nice when it happens. It’s a rarity for me for sure.

        I would wonder what the tears are actually for, what they mean, the intention behind them you know? I’m guessing that is what your question is in the poem (?) Is she crying because she genuinely misses you, loves you, hurts FOR you? Or is she just feeling sorry for herself to not have the complete family she thinks she should still have?

        Or maybe it’s something else altogether and I’m completely missing the mark and the point.

        It’s weird when you have something like a recording or a picture and only ‘remember’ the event because of that picture or in this case the recording. I don’t have a conscious memory of that Christmas event at all.

        My sister was special to me back then. We were so close. She could do no wrong. And in fact I don’t hear me on that recording at all. I can’t imagine at 9 yrs old that would not have been a disappointment to not have presents to rip open. But I’m guessing that I enjoyed the presents anyway, despite them already being open.

        (I would’ve have plenty more to open later that day too. We were still celebrating with my paternal grandparents and my cousins on that side of the family too.)

        Yes, I think you’re right that my mother’s emotional reaction was showing that she cared and felt something for me. I think she loved me once. You can see it in my baby pictures that I meant something to her. I also think that she thinks she loves me still. And truly doesn’t understand what is up.

        That contributes a lot to my wavering on whether to reach out to her or not. I don’t know for sure, but I have thoughts about her perhaps being finished with me now because I didn’t reach out before or during the hurricane. I don’t know that for sure, but it was a thought when I didn’t get a birthday card this year.

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      • The first paragraph sums up my thoughts.
        You aren’t missing the mark. You were right.
        Maybe it is good you can’t remember that christmas so you can hear that recording and listen to it objectively like someone like me would who isn’t an integral part of the family and listen to her voice and the sounds and feel it in a way that you wouldn’t be able to otherwise. To know she loved you then. How tragic. That is how i feel. When did she stop loving me kind of thing.
        I waited on a birthday card. I waited for my daughter to get a birthday card. When neither came I knew it was finally over for good.

        Liked by 1 person

      • “Over for good.”
        Pretty sure that’s the case here too.
        So sad.
        I’ve been having another conversation in comments with Lynda Lee and had another realization about my mother, although I think it’s also a re-realization about her.

        I hate that some of this stuff fades, I forget and then it’s reawakened by a memory or a comment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I agree with that first statement. lol 😀

        The realization was about what my mother would’ve known about taking care of a dying person…may not have had the ability to empathize about the fact that he was an abusive parent, for whatever reason though.

        My mother is a retired nurse. She was a geriatric nurse. My father ended up with some terminal agitation and it was quite traumatic to see this. My mother had never told us (at least never mentioned it to me) that this was a possibility. Never prepared us (or at least me) for how it was to care for a dying person.

        She would’ve known all of this. So my conclusion to all of this is that she was more concerned about not having to deal with being there for my father as much as she may have foreseen needing to if I had decided to give then all the middle finger and walk away.

        How fucked up is that for a mother to do this. She could’ve sat us down and let us know what we were all in for at the very least. But honestly, she should’ve suggested to have him cared for by home health aids because of the stress involved.

        The money was there but they constantly worried about running out. There was no solid info on how much time he had. But he had pancreatic cancer. The prognosis for that is not good. Between dx and death was 10 weeks.

        I’d bet my sister wanted to make sure there was something left for inheritance.

        I could go on, my family is so fucked. But I’ll stop here.

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      • She SHOULD have sat you down and explained all of this. She knew! It is something, as a hospice chaplain I witnessed all the time and I ALWAYS told the family what to POSSIBLY expect. Not always but no one wants to be scared of a symptom and not know that this is normal in the process of dying.
        Your mom was very thoughtless.
        Your family is fucked. Why didn’t you and I both just get adopted by a sweet precious woman who wanted more than anything to love two little girls WHY

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It is difficult not knowing what she is really feeling. Have you thought of writing to her and asking her. I have no idea of how much your mother and you talked about the abuse before you distanced yourself from the family, so I don’t know if that is good advice or not.

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    • My family disowned me. My mother wrote me a few letters but they were more hurtful than anything. I can see where your thinking would come from. I know the answer to most of what I wrote about already though. I will never speak to my mother again. She knew about the abuse and allowed my brother to stay on the ski team and let me watch them together every weekend for years. She knew enough. Yet still reminded me for 40 years about everything by brining up members of that team with no regard to how badly it brought up memories. Those are people that I never need in my life again. All they caused was pain

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a wonder she prays at all. She has no right to pray for you. She did nothing to help you or protect you from the evil that was done to you. Evil is the only word to describe what’s been done and what is continuing to be done to you. She has no right to be in your life so she sure as hell doesn’t deserve the right to pray. What does she pray I wonder? Does she pray “you’ll change” and stop telling others about what happened to you? That everything you’ve said and done is a lie? IF that’s what she prays then her prayers won’t be answered because those are selfish, sick, twisted prayers. She’s nothing, but a selfish bitch who gave up on her daughter when she needed her the most. I won’t tolerate her prayers. I won’t tolerate her at all. There’s not excuse. None for what she and others have done to you Bethany. None. I hope you hear this my friend. I love you. I truly love you and thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. Your story helped me to see the abuse I endured and to heal from it. Thank you. Keeping moving forward and I will always be here for you and I will always have your back!!

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