Poetry

I don’t write to pacify

I don’t soften the words

They are as hard as my fingers type.

I don’t justify

I don’t pretend this is easy

As I scream, rage, and cry.

I don’t say “why me”

I don’t beg for sympathy

This isn’t a Facebook status

It never will be.

This

My friends

This

Sharing

My inner most

Vulnerability

My inner most

Sanctuary

Allowing others

To see

Me

Through

Poetry.

26 thoughts on “Poetry

  1. I am blessed by your poetry. Bethany, my mother was diagnosed today with colon cancer. She has refused treatment. I’m not sure if I will be reading and blogging as much. I might be doing the same as usual, but I wanted to give you a heads up.

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  2. I was thinking about your poems yesterday on my way to DBT group. I had just read your poem about Christmas, which really spoke to me as well.

    Your poems are so prolific and provoke a lot of emotion. You have a real talent for the art.

    So now I have a confession in relation to the words in your poem…sometimes I do ask, “Why me?”

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    • I think we all do sometimes. I more say ” what the fuck, REALLY?!!!!!”
      But in the poem what I meant is I did not write for pity but for understanding.
      I feel deep emotion when I write the poetry and often feel a burden lifted after

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh right, Ok, I understand now. Sorry, I was just talking to my therapist today about being self-absorbed. I tend to relate a lot of things back to myself.

        And yes, I can tell by the tone you write in that it’s not for pity but for both releasing and validation.
        Writing poetry = good therapy. πŸ™‚ The emotion behind your poems has a lot to do with how good they are. So that makes sense.

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      • Thank you!
        I actually want my poetry to be interpreted by each person for themselves even though it is from my emotion I want you to apply it to yourself and even question it if you want. I was happy you asked me and said what you thought about why me part.
        I’ve been deeply depressed lately as I am sure is apparent in my poetry, and when i am depressed that intermixed with anger so that is there too.
        I hope therapy went well.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It was OK. Thank you for saying that.
        I had not seen her in a couple weeks because I cancelled last week.

        I got a question answered that had been bothering me though so that was good. I had a chance to talk about some other things as well, but I also needed to deal with some insurance logistics and that’s always fun. (sarcasm)

        Do you think the depression is from the time of year? I don’t want to minimize it or seemingly disregard it by just assuming it is.

        I am feeling better since I stopped taking kratom but I’m very sleepy. I expect Christmas day to be not so great, just because I’ll be lonely with no family.

        I’m invited to celebrate with B’s family but they celebrate at his sister’s house, which is a 2 hour car ride. It’s not something I can handle so I’m not going to go.

        I made that drive a couple years ago and although I had a nice time while I was there, it was exhausting because of the drive, which we also had to make back…in the rain, in the dark.

        This year, he told me tonight, that the plan is to watch a football game. If I’m gonna take a long drive to see people, I don’t want to stare at a TV screen watching something I could not care less about. Lol.

        I brought Christmas lights up from the basement to hang and do something that might make me feel a little less sad. So the plan is to test them tomorrow to see if they work. They are the only Christmas decor I can handle though. I think putting anything else out will be too triggering.

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      • Yeah. That’s why I wrote that christmas spirit poem because no one understands how it feels to be told that when you are in the depths of depression. The whole damn thing is triggering. I put up our tiny tree and put my nana’s two ornaments on it then i opened the ornament box and all of the ornaments signified something that made me cry so i closed the box. The tree will have two ornaments this year. That’s all I can do!
        You did not assume wrong. Absolutely right.
        A drive and football…..yippy! No way!!!!!!
        So he is going to be with his family and you will be alone then?
        I’ m really happy to hear you had some answers today
        .

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      • Ugh! Yeah, those damn ornaments can carry so many happy memories that produce so much sadness now. So sorry you are going through this, especially for Christmas, but I know it sucks daily. Just Christmas has so many significant memories attached to it. So I get it.

        So yeah, so far B is going to see his family. I want him to though. On Thanksgiving he stayed with me because I didn’t want to go anywhere, even though we were invited to dinner at one of his brother’s.

        They do one of those pollyanna’s where you pick an number, and then choose a random wrapped gift. You can steal from others too. It’s pretty fun and his family are all good sports, seemingly. Both his sister AND her husband are good cooks too and they have a huge house. So it would be nice if it wasn’t so far. Even with the football, I know B would be fine not to watch it and we could go off on our own. But that drive…I just can’t.

        It won’t be the first Christmas alone though but tbh, I really don’t want to be. So I’m not sure what I’ll do.

        I got back on FB because I needed to ask my cousin something. The one person with my DNA I feel safe and comfortable talking to…he’s the police officer. So my point here is, I guess I could see if there’s anything or anyone in the area offering some company to those with no family.

        My cousins might let me hang with them, but then there’d be questions and I’m not sure I want to tell them all about it. Not even sure I would tell the one cousin I mentioned above, let alone his four sisters.

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      • I’m still in boycott of facebook only because i know if it will make me sad or angry or all of the above if i am back on. I don’t have a few cousins in california that i do have on my facebook though that i do miss being in contact with. I bet you cousin would welcome you. Maybe no questions asked?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think I would feel uncomfortable asking at this late date. We are supposed to get together for lunch after the holidays though. So I don’t know, maybe I can build a relationship with him, other than FB and rare phone conversations.

        My intention is to only use FB as a tool for specific information. There’s a good DBT group I’m part of so that will be good use of it. And then any sort of local info I may need or want and then to keep up with my cousin.

        When I signed back on the first thing I did was look him up and I saw that he was one of Santa’s helpers this year and handed out gifts to kids at a children’s hospital. ❀

        So anyway, as long as I don't get caught up in the never ending scroll I'll be ok. lol. There are too many things on there to potentially cause anger and I want to limit that for sure.

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      • See my muscle disease forum is on there and epilepsy so it does suck because I can’t have the updates and all of that! I wish I could change my name and not have anyone find me and still be able to access the groups.
        I’m glad you have plans to get together after the holiday

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      • I actually just signed back on in my own name to check on the groups. I may just block everyone else to avoid anything. The one only has 300 of us bc it is a rare muscle disease so I just didn’t know how I would be back in with a dif name but i did think of it

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      • Yeah, that makes sense. It’s so much easier to just sign back in as yourself instead of starting over. I was looking at your pics there and saw you had gotten back on.

        It’s a tool and a difficult one to reconcile with a lot of the time. I actually thought about posting to see if anyone in my area wants to meet me for Chinese food. I’m sick of being so isolated. But I’m afraid that no one will reply. I can’t deal with the rejection right now, even if it’s that a lot of people don’t see the post.

        I also just feel like I don’t belong. Oh well. I’ll still get my Chinese food tonight though one way or another. πŸ™‚

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      • It’s funny you mention that because that was when I signed off last time. I asked anyone on my fb page to meet me out. Anyone at all and there are at least 50 people in my area and i sat in that place, drove myself there, and ate all alone. It sucked. I posted some pictures and didn’t look at anyone elses stuff. Checked out my muscle disease forum place for any new info. Many entered into a study at the NIH for N-acytlcistine . No clue how to spell that. I coudln’t do the study so they did my blood study instead and found nothin but the others had injections of this stuff to see if it improved their strength and the results still aren’t in. Oh well.
        Do you know I have never ordered chinese food. No clue what it tastes like! I will eat it in your honor when I do!!!
        Rejection sucks. I had a terrible anxiety moment earlier, had to apologize to the whole fam and my husband actually layed down and rubbed my back until I calmed down which was really nice.
        Very stressed about an eye exam tomorrow that will say if my eye has been damaged by the seizure . Btw the g is not working on half of my sentences on this keyboard just fyi. I’m not tryin to be all redneck.

        Liked by 1 person

      • And if you were tryin to be all redneck, that would be ok with me. Lol

        I’m sorry about what those seizures are putting you through. I can only imagine how hard they must be on your body and how awful they make you feel overall. I have seen at least one child, years ago have seizures at a place I worked at. I held his head during one of them because it happened while he was standing on a hard floor.

        I said, “Awwww” and smiled when I read that you would eat Chinese food in my honor when you do finally have it.

        Chinese food is tricky though. Fair warning. It depends on where you get it whether it’s good or not. I have had the same dish at different places and one place could be awful while the other place it’s phenomenal.

        B and I ended up going to a place that recently changed hands and I had Pepper steak with onions. The steak was perfect. But I’d gotten it at a different place months ago and it was chewy and gross.

        I did not have Chinese food until I was an adult though and dating. My parents did not do Chinese food.

        That sucks that no one showed up to eat with you after posting an invite on FB. That is exactly what I would expect from people around here too.

        It will be interesting to see what the results are of the study you mentioned. It would be nice to see something work to heal or cure it. Maybe it could help other types of muscle diseases too (?) Would MS be classified as a muscle disease?

        Good luck on your eye exam tomorrow. I hope it goes well and you get some good news.

        Liked by 1 person

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