Trying to find the calm

I woke up this morning with a heavy despondency upon me. I tried to not cry all morning and the sadness just lingered. So I took a 2 hour wheelchair walk. I was frustrated at first with the pain my shoulders, and tremor. I was frustrated that I couldn’t just go out with my two legs and go for a walk and photograph from all of the angles other people could. I was frustrated about many things. Mostly with myself. I was getting tics and tics make me feel weak. The inability to control them makes me feel weak. Weakness makes me either feel angry or vulnerable. I think I had a mix of both. It took me 2 hours to “fix” my emotions and find calm. A hawk flew up to a light pole. Then he followed me along my walk. He would fly in front of me. Then behind me. It was pretty darn cool! I have been trying to get a bluejay picture for TWO YEARS and I finally did. It was blurry. But I didn’t care. My pictures are not about clear they are about that moment and I got that moment!!!! I got up and stood underneath a tree but that hurt my legs and arms so it didn’t last but I got a really neat one shot picture of that tree from underneath it. On the way home I saw the hawk again. He landed right in front of me.

I got home, I had a brief conversation with my husband that triggered at least 1000 PTSD emotions and I had to go out AGAIN to the prairie which is the only place that I think can truly “fix” a PTSD episode. I went to see Evie the horse (she seems to always make things better) and on the way saw some deer and a redwinged black bird and a gorgeous sunset. Being able to go there has saved me many a day.

I’d like to share all of my photos of the day.

I guess, I want the person looking at them to know that, being in a wheelchair is not the same as a standing photographer. I have limitations, but don’t we all. We all can have excuses and emotions to stop us from doing what we love or what we know will calm us. I keep on pushing forward. Today was a hard day but the pictures show the moments I had of happiness. I hope you enjoy them.

31 thoughts on “Trying to find the calm

  1. Hello Bethany,, I glad you got your pictures , I love that angel statue ,, I have an angel statue also that sits in front of my home, I had her for about 14 years now,,is that statue at your home,,hope you are felling a little better now,, love you my friend

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    • You know that angel was in someone’s front yard way in the back of a neighborhood connecting to mine. It took me about 45 min to get there. I sat and prayed a long time with that angel. I think I may need to get one of my own. Something about her face was calming.

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  2. You are getting better and better with each post. These brought tears to my eyes they are so beautiful and vibrant. The second to last one, orange sky and tree in silhouette is a post card for sure. The blue jay doesn’t look blurry to me though. It’s clear and I love that splash of blue he brings to that shot.

    The hawk pictures, I can’t get over how clear they are and he (Or is it a she) look so great against the sky as a back drop. There’s something about silhouette shots that I really like and the one of the hawk flying is so great.

    Is that red bird a cardinal? (11th pic down). That’s another one where the color jumps out at you even though it’s just a tiny splash.

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    • What’s so funny is I fully intended to find a female cardinal and I ended up finding male cardinals everywhere. I tried to get a picture of a male cardinal for 2 years. Same amount of time to get a blue jay and yet they were everywhere today but no females. It was a male cardinal yes.
      I loved the hawk. He fluffed up and shook all over and little downy feathers flew all over. I love that he was with me all the way around the whole neighborhood. It was like what the owl used to do. Although i didnt feel a real connection it was still neat to just have this bird coming along.
      Thank you for always looking at all of my pictures with such focus. That means a lot to me. I loved the tree in the sky sunset too.
      It is just amazing that it is always one color on one side andd another on the other. Why alwyas pink and lavender on the left and oranges on the right.

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      • Oh you’re welcome. I love looking at good photos. I really like to look into the detail of them and also see the art in them…like the out of focus back ground and how it looks with the foreground. I should’ve studied photography. lol.

        The cardinal, I knew if it was a cardinal it would be a male. I wasn’t sure if it was a cardinal at all from the back of it. You should see them sitting on the branches after a fresh snow. The contrast is breath- taking. I was actually wondering about the hawk. Do you know what gender the hawk is? Are they all that color? And how do you tell a male from a female hawk?

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      • This one has been in my backyard. She chatters at me. So when she was flying around she was chattering.i think she is a female but i have no clue. I dont know how to tell them apart. I took pictures of one last week that was lighter colored and I saw one the other day that was almost white. I’ve seen some with a more blunt tail and one with a really distinctive tail. I think that is a red tailed hawk. Maybe that is what she is. I don’t know though.
        I knew about the owl way back when because I sent her pictures to an owl specialist who told me she was a female.
        I would love to see a cardinal in the snow

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      • That’s a good idea to ask an expert.
        The red tailed hawks are the kind we have around here. So the one you’ve been taking pics of and posting is really recognizable to me so that’s been pretty cool. I think the red-tailed are the only type that are around here too. So to see a white one, wow, that would take my breath away. Did you get a pic of that one?

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  3. Thanks you for sharing the beauty of the world seen through your eyes and heart. I can not the imagine the challenges you are facing. Your willingness to face adversity is courageous. Your desire and commitment to live each day fully is inspiring. I send you much light and love. ❤

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  4. Life is about perspective. Because you are in a chair, you will very likely be able to see things that I won’t see, just as you feel you may not see things that I do. By sharing your view, we can see things the way you do. Most of the time, it isn’t all that different, but there will be those times where you can see what I can’t, or just don’t see. I am enjoying seeing your world as you see it.

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    • I appreciate your thoughts. I think I was frustrated because I wanted to walk out into the woods and there was a slope and i wanted a picture of this tiny cherry tree flower but it was too high up and i tried to stand to take it but my legs were shaky. Just was frustrating to want to do something I think and not be able to. But I realized that as I was doing it that I may see things others don’t and I appreciate things other people can do that I can’t. A runner ran by and I was grateful she could do that.

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  5. sure you have have limitations, my dear, but MY GOD can you capture raw beauty. you may feel like a shaking soul sometimes, lost in fear and vulnerability and anger. but my god there is so much light in you. ahhhh. 💙💙

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  6. These photos are wonderful. The sunsets are gorgeous, and I love bird shots. The one of the tiny bird on the birdbath is perfect. I thought that was a red-tailed hawk. I saw one and got a photo many years ago. I’m sorry you were so upset and had bad PTSD symptoms. Really sorry.

    I had to go out today with my oldest daughter to see my mom’s doctor. She and I both noticed how nervous I was and just not with it. She wanted to know where the doctor’s office was and after I told her the street, I didn’t tell her which way to go etc. so she went the wrong way a couple of times. My fault. Going out does affect me with PTSD.

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    • Ohhhh thats so interesting to know. I get very turned around when my husband drives me somewhere and i wonder here we are. Must be the anxiety.im really glad you shared that.
      I loved that little bird in the bird bath sooooo much

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