I woke up this morning with a heavy despondency upon me. I tried to not cry all morning and the sadness just lingered. So I took a 2 hour wheelchair walk. I was frustrated at first with the pain my shoulders, and tremor. I was frustrated that I couldn’t just go out with my two legs and go for a walk and photograph from all of the angles other people could. I was frustrated about many things. Mostly with myself. I was getting tics and tics make me feel weak. The inability to control them makes me feel weak. Weakness makes me either feel angry or vulnerable. I think I had a mix of both. It took me 2 hours to “fix” my emotions and find calm. A hawk flew up to a light pole. Then he followed me along my walk. He would fly in front of me. Then behind me. It was pretty darn cool! I have been trying to get a bluejay picture for TWO YEARS and I finally did. It was blurry. But I didn’t care. My pictures are not about clear they are about that moment and I got that moment!!!! I got up and stood underneath a tree but that hurt my legs and arms so it didn’t last but I got a really neat one shot picture of that tree from underneath it. On the way home I saw the hawk again. He landed right in front of me.
I got home, I had a brief conversation with my husband that triggered at least 1000 PTSD emotions and I had to go out AGAIN to the prairie which is the only place that I think can truly “fix” a PTSD episode. I went to see Evie the horse (she seems to always make things better) and on the way saw some deer and a redwinged black bird and a gorgeous sunset. Being able to go there has saved me many a day.
I’d like to share all of my photos of the day.
I guess, I want the person looking at them to know that, being in a wheelchair is not the same as a standing photographer. I have limitations, but don’t we all. We all can have excuses and emotions to stop us from doing what we love or what we know will calm us. I keep on pushing forward. Today was a hard day but the pictures show the moments I had of happiness. I hope you enjoy them.