Last weekend it hurt to turn my head to the right. Eh probably just muscle disease stuff. Then for a week I had chills all night. Eh probably just the heavy metal toxicity. Then my ears started ringing and I felt weak. Eh probably a Lyme disease flare. Then I peed the bed. Eh just another lovely symptoms of a muscle disease. But now I have to wash the sheets with a weak body and a head that won’t turn. Eh just another day with a plethora of symptoms. This morning my shin and hip bones ached. Eh just another symptoms of the iron toxicity and fluctuation. Then my chest started to hurt on the left side. Eh probably just more of the same muscle disease painful muscles moving into the chest. Hard to breathe? Eh probably just that atrophy of the chest muscles that the pulmonologist documented. BUT then a little fear settled in. I HATE when that happens. When the “EH” turns into an “OH NO!” So I searched meningitis, and heart attack in women. I took an aspirin just incase. Then I decided that if I was going to die today I should take the garbage out and put the laundry in. I mean who would want to find me in a bed full of urine right? Maybe this is a seizure thing then…I have been disoriented and confused. Maybe I have a UTI? All things that I can do nothing about as I cannot drive to the Doctor and at this point I would not want anyone to drive me to one. I would get their fabric softener, car air freshener, and cologne seatbelt on me, get judged if I brought anything to cover those items, AND be exposed to the Flu.
After all of this I decided that If I could indeed sweep the floor and put my pee sheets in then I was not having a heart attack. This fear did absolutely nothing productive but trigger some PTSD and make things absolutely worse!
The fact is that I do have a degenerative muscle disease, a degenerative bone disease, and Lyme disease, and chemical sensitivities, and atrophy, and, well, a plethora of other health issues that cause a lot of symptoms.
Which is why I just try to be aware but not stay in the health fear moment too long.
Which is also why I went out this morning and took some pictures.
I am not discounting or minimizing my symptoms. My leg atrophy today feels as if I barely have a leg. It is very painful. Most of my muscles are painful and apparently bladder control is out. I also am having esophagus issues and swallowing problems. All part of this muscle disease that STILL has no definitive genetic mutation cause, just a name with no treatment or cure.
I just don’t know what will happen in my future. And you can say well no one does. But really most people kind of do. Whether it is going to a wedding, graduation, a job, dinner, a date, etc. There is SOMETHING in their future that they can count on, to plan for and to DO. Even tomorrow for me is truly an unknown.
For now, I live in this moment. This moment is filled with extreme pain. Emotional pain. Physical pain. Memory pain. It is also filled with pictures of moments of raindrops where I CHOSE to focus on that and that alone.