“Where is my mother?”

There is a children’s book about a little bird who comes out of his egg and cannot find his mother.

I had this book as a child and I read it to my daughter when she was little. I still have it.

When the little bird comes out of his egg the first thing he says is, “Where is my mother?”

Five months ago I had five tonic clonic (grandmal seizures). It greatly affected my short term memory. My memory has improved. We had hoped it would be back to normal at the 6th month mark. I still have a month to go. Hurry up neurons and brain cells and get your act together.

One of the most upsetting parts of the memory loss is I wake up thinking I am at home living with my mother and I call out to her.

This morning was one of those mornings. I was very upset until my daughter reminded me that I’ve been doing this for five months now sporadically and that it has improved. She reminded me that my mind goes back to a time that it can remember clearly as that is comforting and stable since my current memories are still scrambled. I guess a doctor somewhere along the line said that and she remembered it for me.

I was sure that at exactly 7:41 I was back on the lake living in my old room in my old bed and thought I had overslept and called out and asked to my mother what time it was. I got up. I walked around my room completely disoriented. Almost like a person who wakes up from sleep walking and has no idea where they are. It was not until I got back in bed and fell back asleep, then woke up again, did I know I was in the present time.

This is around the time, 3 years ago, that my mother stopped speaking to me. Why I call out to her of all people is beyond me. Her birthday 3 years ago was the last time I saw her. The idea that my mother is still alive and has chosen to not be in my life will forever dishearten and upset me. Forgetting that she left due to the seizures makes matters worse. I remember all over again and again and again.

This morning I actually said. “Where is my mother?” And I remembered my childhood book.

It is a question I will never get an answer to.

6 thoughts on ““Where is my mother?”

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