The calm of the day

I went back to the eagle’s nest and brought a towel. I laid on my back on the towel and looked up at the nest for hours. I watched the 2 babies work on their flying. My husband read to me some bald eagle facts such as the babies don’t get white heads until they are 5. I watched the mother watch her babies work on their flying. I watched the wind blow the moss. I listened to the leaves and the tiny birds that were flying around me. There was even a butterfly that almost landed right on me. There was an extreme amount of calm. After that my husband and I went to the Paynes Prairie water and looked out as the sun rays were shining down. More calm. Here are some of the pictures I took today…

Love/Hate of me list

A few weeks ago I was in a store and someone muttered under their breath that I was a lesbian. It took me aback a bit. Then I was like “POWER TO THE WOMEN!” Call me a lesbian!

Last week someone called me a boy. They actually thought that since I was “small” and had “short hair” I was a boy. I must say I was a bit offended. Why does short hair make me a boy? But then again I don’t always care what people think of me. Why it bothered me that that person though I was a boy I have no clue. Just one of those days I think. It got me thinking about myself though. I thought about how I look, how I dress, how others perceive me and that led me to what I think of others which then led me to my Love/Hate about myself blog. This list gets things added to it daily! Like after I wrote this I just thought “OH wait, I Love how when I see a butterfly I feel like a child! That should be on my love list!” And then I thought ” I really hate that my muscle disease makes me pee in the bed which then gives me 4 hours of laundry and I HATE that about myself for so many reasons! On the hate list!!!” So here is my original list…

The things I love about myself:

1. I don’t judge a person for what they look like. Their clothing, their make up or lack of, their hair length, their shoes, or anything physical does not make me judge them. Whether they have a limp, a wheelchair, does not make me think anything. My thoughts on a person are not reflected or based upon how they look whatsoever.

2. I don’t judge based on gender identity, sexual preference, religious beliefs or lack of, political views.

3. I try to find something positive in everyone that I meet.

4. I try to find something beautiful in nature every day.

5. I give thanks at the end of the day even if it is the worst day EVER.

6. I will spend an hour sitting with a dying cow because I love every creature on earth

7. I will spend an hour trying to get a tree frog out of the house that has jumped in.

8. I will do the right thing even if it means it could hurt me or have dangerous repercussions EX: reporting nursing home abuse and being chased out of the nursing home by the owner for taking photos of the abuse

9. I stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves

10. I know when to apologize and I do

11. I love with all of my heart

12. I will go into a house that is full of pesticide bomb just to save a cat and her kittens because their lives are worth it and I have.

13. I tell the truth

14. I have humility, integrity, and honor.

15. I am 100% faithful and devoted to my husband and always will be

16. I am 100% devoted to being a mother to my daughter and I will always fight for her and be her advocate

17. I try each day to evolve, be a better person. I have an open mind and am willing to change with new information and education.

18. I feel deep empathy for those who suffer and have been affected by tragedy and abuse and I want to make a difference to them.

19. I’ve never intentionally hurt anything or anyone. I will take great measures to help others and animals

20. I see each person for the individual that they are. What their heart and souls say matters to me. Their actions and their ability to love and have acceptance are what I want to “see.” I can look at a person and it will not cross my mind their weight, their scars, and what others may judge. I “see” what my heart feels by just being in their presence.

21. I respect others even if their views are nothing like mine.

Things I hate about myself (hate is a strong word so we will say, frustrate me about me)

1. I blindly trust

2. I forget to establish boundaries

3. I feel deeply and profoundly so that when I am hurt or even if I see someone else hurting it affects me for days.

4. I have not conquered even in the slightest % PTSD

5. I have not conquered even in the slightest % of past abuse affects

6. Physical pain in my body puts me in a foul mood and I am not as patient as I should be

7. That I still have dissociation

8. That perfume/cologne/scents affect me so intensely and ruin an entire day (ptsd)

9. That I have this muscle disease

10. That I cannot be independent because of the muscle disease

11. That I have to rely on others and they are often not there for me

12. That I feel alone even when I shoudln’t

13. That I am so hard on myself for allowing people in my life that end up hurting me

14. I hate that I have so much hate for my family. I wish I could just forget about them all together

15. The nightmares I have each night

16. That I don’t have more of a support system.

17. That society expects the “norm” to be THEIR norm and that if you don’t fit into a box then you are discarded, judged, humiliated.

18. That I feel that being me is not enough

19. That I cannot be the mom I want to be due to the PTSD and the muscle disease limits what I want to be capable of.

My yard today

There is a small patch of purple wildflowers in the corner of the yard. My roses have started blooming. One tiny yellow wildflower was just right in the middle of the yard.

As we were going for a walk I looked up to this tree in my front yard. I LOVE it! It made it’s own brace for the VERY long branch. When we first bought this place 14 or so years ago the builder told us to cut this tree down because it was leaning over. We didn’t. The fact that this tree could brace itself was too beautiful to cut down!!!

During our walk I did see this tree that I have never seen before. Why? Because after 14 years of walking around the same neighborhood I STILL find something new. It looked like it should be a patch of wildflowers on the ground but it was on a tree!

Isn’t that cool!

I hope you found some beauty in your day. I didn’t have to look far to find these things. I am grateful that even in my current depression I can STILL find beauty.

Time

It’s been 3 years. How did so many years pass? I was angry for 2 years. I’ve been actively choosing to be mindful and find joy and beauty on this earth for 1 year. The problem is that after the seizures I forgot the 2 years of anger. I forgot the 1 year of mindful. I can remember the last few months of mindfulness since my husband bought me my camera. I’ve been looking through the pictures and some of my memories are more clear now. I had 1 year of therapy that I can barely recall. 2 years of anger that I processed and worked through apparently. If you can’t remember all of the epiphanies and revelations and steps forward, does that mean they didn’t happen?

People tell me things like “Yeah I look for my phone while talking on it,” to try and console me and make me feel like I’m not the only one that is “absent minded” or “confused” or “dissociated” or “lost.” I understand why people say what they do but rarely does someone just say, “That must be so frustrating! I’m so sorry!” Most of the time that’s all I really need to hear. Because, yeah, we all look for a hair tie while there is one on our wrist or look for our keys when they are in our hands because we are all stressed and overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I took my wedding bands off and tried to put them in my ears while looking at my song list on my ipad and could not figure out why the music was not playing. Yeah, that would be because my earbuds were sitting next to me while I was trying to listen to music through my wedding band!!!!!! I’m sorry but that just does not compare to looking for your phone while you are on it. But this isn’t a comparison. It is about empathy and understanding. The seizures really caused damage that is not as simple as one may think.

Sometimes, we, I, just need to hear, “ WOW! That must be awful!”

It’s been 11 years since my muscle disease diagnosis. It’s been 4 years since my daughter got sick. It’s been 3 years since any of my family has spoken to me. It has been 6 months since the grandmal seizures caused memory loss. It is as if my brain has been struck by lightening and is misfiring. It has no clue what to feel, what to do, what to say, how to react, or where to go next.

All I know is that it’s been 3 years TOO long since my family has spoken to me. It has been 11 years TOO long since having this muscle disease. It has been 4 years WAY too long since my daughter has been ill.

It will be 35 years since I was first abused.

Next week I will be 46.

Time.

Years.

I wish I fully could remember the full year that I have moved forward.

Yesterday, I called my mom’s number because I forgot that she doesn’t speak to me. Today, I realized it has been THREE years since they all made that choice.

I look at these words as I write them and I feel all of the anger that I apparently processed but I must not have completely resolved.

To go through an entire childhood being molested, only to then get a disease, only to then have seizures, only to then have your child become ill, only to then have your entire family choose NOT me, is just…beyond anything I will ever comprehend.

I know there are many many more who have been through so much worse than I have. But like I said, it isn’t a comparison. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to hear, “Wow, that’s awful. I’m so so sorry.” Today, it would be nice to hear, “I’m so sorry all of that has happened to you.”

I mean if someone wanted to toss in, “ Your family are all a bunch of narcissist assholes,” well that would be ok too. If someone wanted to toss in, “ I cannot believe anyone would leave such a kind hearted sweet girl who had been through so much in her life and never done anything to hurt anyone,” well that would be ok too.

My heart is pained because I do the absolute best I can for MY family(husband and daughter) and even my friends, and I was discarded like trash by those that were supposed to love me.

With my memory loss I truly had no idea it had been 3 years!

Without my memory loss I truly had no idea that it had been 35 years since I was abused as a child.

Time does not heal all wounds.

Time gives us the opportunity to love and live with no regrets. I can say that I have loved. I have lived with no regrets. I have not healed.

I told my husband today that apologies don’t make me feel better. They don’t take away the pain or the memories. He said they would if they were meant! I wonder. I wonder if I will ever get a real apology from someone that means it after all of these years of my suffering.

My mother, my father, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins…discarded me during my suffering. I wonder what kind of healing would occur if there were a true apology for that. Would time heal wounds if during that time came remorse? I may never know.

I don’t know what time will bring me next. Healing physically? An answer to this muscle disease? Calming of the PTSD triggers?

Time? If you are listening…I’m ready for the good! I’m ready for the better! I actively try to move forward, do better, love more. I’m ready for time to give me some mercy. It’s time.

How many pictures does it take?

I took over 30 pictures of this little bird in only a few minutes. Out of the 30, 27 looked like this

Ugh! I mean come ON! He was so beautiful!!! But he was a blur. It was only by random chance that a few were clear. Kind of sort of clear!

So then I tried for this butterfly and I got this

A black blob in a bottle brush plant. But my husband held up my arms and I finally got a decent one.

Along the way I was blessed with this gorgeous feather. I wonder what bird dropped it.

Right next to it on the side of the road was this cactus

Photography is SOOOO hard! It does not come naturally to me. But it is enjoyable to me because it keeps me in the moment of whatever I am looking at and out of whatever is in my head.