I was able to drive a very short distance one day a week to get my daughter and me sandwiches. On the way there I stopped to pray at the church. The trip was about 20 minutes round trip depending on how long I prayed.
I met the deli guys right after I had memory loss and could not remember my order each week even though it was the same one. I drove there. They remembered my order and we developed a comfort zone I suppose.
In the last 6 months I have done that drive one day a week.
With out that prep and pray well I never would have been able to take my daughter to the doctor when she had the allergic reaction. So I am thankful that those 6 months worked as they did even if they did not end so well.
Since I saw no other human beings other than on my daily walks around the neighborhood, I often talked to the deli guys.
I had no boundaries and immediately put them in the green. My husband says to keep everyone in the yellow and that way my guard is still up and so they aren’t in the red but not in the green. I didn’t keep them in the yellow. I was so happy to have someone to talk to. I have no idea what it was about this place but I would ramble things I don’t normally do about my frustrations with my memory and my health and my daughter. I can’t tell you why. Maybe because they listened. They seemed to care. They seemed genuinely interested. I put them in the green. One in particular shared some of his life too. The other took my order and we all chatted easily. I looked forward to my pray day and sub sandwich day.
One day in the deli a new coworker overheard our conversation and followed me and my daughter on social media. I felt uncomfortable with that so I called him out on that. He was immediately in the red. I didn’t know this guy! I knew the other two deli guys. I decided this past Monday to as I always do go in to the deli after not going for a few weeks. I felt uncomfortable because of the coworker. But due to my disability it is the ONLY place I can drive to. It was kind of my little solace day of prayer and subs. It probably sounds silly but when you’ve been in the house for 11 years unable to drive, those little things seem big.
I went into the deli and the guy who takes my order had an immediate attitude with me. He was angry I “blocked” him on social media. I informed him that I blocked his coworker because I did not know him but that I thought of US as friends. He quickly showed me his phone and that I was no longer on his friend list. My other friend in the back making my sub told me he knew nothing of this. The attitude of the guy angrily being pissy with me shut me down. I was at a loss of words. Can a customer be treated this way because he thinks I blocked him on social media? So I asked how he got my name in the first place, my last name to even follow me. He showed me how he found it on the computer. Apparently that isn’t against the law. It should be. He could have just waited for me to come in the following monday and asked me my last name and if he could follow me. Instead he looked me up because he knew my first name and his coworker that did not know me looked over his shoulder so he says and got my name too.
I felt pressured. I needed to let him to follow me on social media now or my sub days were over. This guy was obviously pissed. He said he’d fire his coworker if he were there for following me and my daughter and yet it was ok for him to? He even said he thought he’d crossed a line and maybe he’d never see me again. Yet was angry at ME for blocking HIM or so he thought I had. I had just changed my name and made my account private.
But…he was so nice! He listened! He cared! The other guy in the back that had shared personal information with me, I could tell felt bad about what he was witnessing here. But who knows. I’ve been told I am a terrible judge of character. By the same person who just told me “THE DELI GUYS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.”
I put them in the green. I should have kept them in the yellow. Maybe even in the red. I mean why would I just trust two men who worked at a deli and took my order? Was it the seizures and memory loss? No. I have always been this way. I talk to people.
I went to subway the next trip out. The subway guy checking me out told me how tired he was and how his 14 hour day was exhausting. I tried to say nothing. I wanted to say nothing. Had I not learned anything? It’s my nature to be kind though. So I told him I hoped his day got better. Don’t worry. He isn’t in the green.
I thought, if I ever go back to the deli I need to follow the deli guy. If I don’t then I can’t go back. He was already mad. If I call the owner then I can’t go back either because they will all talk….OMG it’s just a deli I KNOW! I just wanted to go back. I wanted that one little piece of my routine to be ok. Nothing stays. Everything changes. I just wanted one little thing. I wanted to chat once a week with the deli guys I put in the green.
I came home and approved him so I could go back to the deli. He then followed my daughter. I cannot stand up for myself. It is a fight I have battled for my life after all of the abuse. I couldn’t do it for me. But for my daughter! What is this social media friend? So if you are friends then that means everything is ok? If you aren’t then what? This is not real life! It’s fucking instagram!!!! I cannot have guys searching out my daughter through me! Ugh this was getting ridiculous all because I somehow thought the deli guys were my friends and due to past abuse CONTINUED issues I freeze!
So, yeah, the deli guys are not my friends.
I won’t be going back to the deli again.
“Friending” is common.
“Apologizing” is not.
When I walked into that deli all he had to do is say he was sorry he and his coworker crossed a line that he knew he did by looking me up on the computer. He didn’t. He was angry. I responded in true Bethany fashion. I disappointed myself.
I will learn from that mistake.
I cannot change the kindness in me.
I can work on keeping people in the yellow and out of the green.
I think I’ve been hurt enough by all of the reds I have encountered in this life.
I wish a green would come to stay.
I wish a green would find it’s way and show me through time and time again that they will be trustworthy.
No more deli guys that aren’t my friends anyway.
I guess Monday will now just be pray days. That’s ok. We will order in!