Thoughts on balance and trauma

A very old friend told me today how one trauma can affect a person deeply. How it can take away the safety that we thought we once had. One trauma.

She showed me that true love, real love, unconditional love, can create quite a victory. It can create forgiveness. It can create healing. That takes two people who can see into eachother’s hearts and souls and past the exterior. Past the ignorance of the presence and enlightened future that has brought two people back to love.

Not everyone can do this.

It takes two. It takes humility. It takes no ego. It takes an extraordinary evolution of the mind and growth in the soul. It takes action. It takes effort. It takes hope, faith, and change.

I was given this gift today of a friend that showed me the calm that can be created in my innerchild to feel mattered and heard.

One trauma she said.

One can take away that safety.

I had, well lets just say twice a week for 5 years. So that would be…104 times a year x 5 years…520 times by one man.

That’s a lot of trauma.

Years of terror.

Years of silence.

Years of submission.

Years of manipulation.

That was just the one man. That did not include his friends. That did not include other men in the waterskiing world.

There are men and women who have had worse violent trauma than I have. There are other children who have had the violator a family member. There are life stories I have heard that crush me. To think this is what humanity is. That men are capable of these atrocities. I know that women have abused. There is no comparison to what men have done.

He made me feel like I didn’t matter. All of those men made me feel like I did not matter.

Today a woman made me feel like I do matter. Just one hug was all it took to feel like I mattered.

Yesterday I got a call that I was accepted into a new genetic study. This man will search my genes and try to find the mutation causing this disease. He said the England Doctor who has been working on my case for 11 years told him about me.

It just seems so perplexing how I can matter to these two men so much. They desperately want to help me, heal me, find the gene causing his disease. Two men who don’t know me, I matter to.

My friend I have not seen in I suppose it’s been 11 years I felt I mattered to.

To my family, I do not matter. To the monsters that have abused me, I do not matter.

Such a fine line in my mind of a broken spirit to a strengthened spirit in just feeling like I matter.

Today I watched a sandhill crane and her baby. The mother and father were standing near the baby. I walked close and the parents made loud noises at me and stood over the baby. I don’t know what that would feel like. I will never know what that will feel like.

Having two men want to find the muscle disease answer, having my old friend hug me to my heart, gives me a clue at what it feels like to what that baby chick must have felt. That baby chick mattered more than anything to his parents.

I know what it feels like to be abandoned by those who are supposed to love you, disregarded, disbelieved, discarded. I will never get over it. I will never understand it. Parents are supposed to fight for their child.

It’s taken me years to learn to fight for myself.

There will always be the monsters. They may be destroying the earth, the animals, the children, the women, the little boys, humanity. Hopefully, there will always be even the slightest balance of a few good men who will fight back. Those two men who will fight to find answers for me. A woman who holds me as my mother should have.

The balance will always be heavily weighted on the side of the monsters. I’ve lived it. I’ve lived through them. The good news is that the few angel we come across have so much more power than the monsters. Two good men fighting for me are more powerful in their good than the 20 that tried to take me down. One good woman hugging me today is more powerful than the mother that chose not to. It is hard to keep that in perspective. Sometimes it feels the bad wins.

As long as we, as women, keep speaking, telling our truth, binding together, building our own tribe of survivors and fighters, then we win.

We win!

23 thoughts on “Thoughts on balance and trauma

  1. Blessed be, for there are those who care. There is a balance. We have to find that balance and when there is so much negative influence, that balance is harder to see. Look closely and cherish those that make you feel like you matter. Gravitate towards the good for they are all that truly matter!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is so amazing isn’t to see animals and birds do so much better jobs at the most important things living creatures can do.
    Like being parents.
    It amazes me how many people don’t watch animals and birds the way you do, to learn. They think they have nothing to learn from wild creatures.
    You do. You observe them. You learn. Which makes you so much smarter and more sensitive than so many people.
    I hope you remember this about yourself. You are so much more than your trauma. Although your trauma makes you a better human being. Observant and kinder.
    And those who traumatized you? Well, they are shamed by sandhill cranes.
    You are the person smart enough to watch crane parents, and see they have something to teach us all.
    I am impressed with YOU.

    Like

    • That was such a way to put it! Shamed by sandhill cranes! Wow so perfect!
      I do love watching nature and how they parent.
      Watching the mother owl last year for 6 moths feed her babies and watch them grow was an amazing experience.
      Thank you so much for your wisdom!

      Like

  3. My daughter is a psychotherapist in training. Yesterday she told me that she is learning about something called Emotionally Focused Therapy. She mentioned a book called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.

    I just finished reading the sample portion of Hold Me Tight on my Kindle reader, and I was amazed by it. “Yes!” I thought, “This is exactly right! This is what it’s all about!”

    Right after I put Hold Me Tight on my “Buy As Soon As Possible” wishlist, I logged onto my WordPress reader and read this post. Bethany — everything you said here — this is exactly what Hold Me Tight and Emotionally Focused Therapy are all about! Wow!! Now I want to buy that book for you!

    Like

    • That makes me so happy to hear that I have written something that may ring true for other trauma survivors and even authors. I’d love to read the book. I am just finishing one now so It will go on my wish list. Thank you!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi BK, did you get my request on FB?

    I love your thoughts on balance and trauma.

    On Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 7:54 PM NOT MY SECRET…the journey towards healing from abuse wrote:

    > bethanyk posted: “A very old friend told me today how one trauma can > affect a person deeply. How it can take away the safety that we thought we > once had. One trauma. She showed me that true love, real love, > unconditional love, can create quite a victory. It can create for” >

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh my facebook should be deactivated! I don’t have any friends on it at all and I deactivated it maybe a month ago? I will have to check now. You can follow my instagram that is active!!!
      Thank you for your comment on my blog!!!!!

      Like

    • Bk_photography_101 is my instagram. I changed the name. I just looked through my facebook account and have tons of messages all hateful ones about why I blocked people and unfriended them and just nasty. All I did was deactivate my account but I guess it is active again. Maybe when I signed onto my computer it signed me back in? I have no idea. But i wondered where you were on my IG. I am still there just changed the name. Can you try to find me?

      Like

    • Oh and my vision is so blurry. I’m not sure if these messages are going through. I tried to just type a blog and it is all a blur. Hopefully i put my IG name in right. I hope you find it. I will try to look at , or for you tomorrow when i can see better

      Like

    • I’m done with therapy. It costs way too much money and I have tried my entire life to find help in that way.
      But this doctor who is doing the research for my muscle disease I do have great hope that he can find the mutated gene and then if a cure or treatment becomes available then I will be eligible.
      I sent my blood off yesterday. I have high hopes that at least a few have not given up on finding answers for me and this disease. If I cannot find help for the PTSD then at least I know someone is working on the physical part!
      Thank you for understanding and for being hopeful

      Liked by 1 person

      • As I’ve said before, you are very brave and a very strong woman – even if you don’t feel that way sometimes. Couple that with your supportive husband and daughter, I have good reason for hope. Hugs, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for sharing this.
    I too have been dogged by trauma, as have many others, and am finding it really difficult to lift myself from the power of it. I came to the conclusion that to take my power back and work through all of it was to start my blog (complete newbie) and go through what happened in the hopes that the traumatic power diminishes its hold in my life.
    Blessings to you xxx

    Like

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