A very old friend told me today how one trauma can affect a person deeply. How it can take away the safety that we thought we once had. One trauma.
She showed me that true love, real love, unconditional love, can create quite a victory. It can create forgiveness. It can create healing. That takes two people who can see into eachother’s hearts and souls and past the exterior. Past the ignorance of the presence and enlightened future that has brought two people back to love.
Not everyone can do this.
It takes two. It takes humility. It takes no ego. It takes an extraordinary evolution of the mind and growth in the soul. It takes action. It takes effort. It takes hope, faith, and change.
I was given this gift today of a friend that showed me the calm that can be created in my innerchild to feel mattered and heard.
One trauma she said.
One can take away that safety.
I had, well lets just say twice a week for 5 years. So that would be…104 times a year x 5 years…520 times by one man.
That’s a lot of trauma.
Years of terror.
Years of silence.
Years of submission.
Years of manipulation.
That was just the one man. That did not include his friends. That did not include other men in the waterskiing world.
There are men and women who have had worse violent trauma than I have. There are other children who have had the violator a family member. There are life stories I have heard that crush me. To think this is what humanity is. That men are capable of these atrocities. I know that women have abused. There is no comparison to what men have done.
He made me feel like I didn’t matter. All of those men made me feel like I did not matter.
Today a woman made me feel like I do matter. Just one hug was all it took to feel like I mattered.
Yesterday I got a call that I was accepted into a new genetic study. This man will search my genes and try to find the mutation causing this disease. He said the England Doctor who has been working on my case for 11 years told him about me.
It just seems so perplexing how I can matter to these two men so much. They desperately want to help me, heal me, find the gene causing his disease. Two men who don’t know me, I matter to.
My friend I have not seen in I suppose it’s been 11 years I felt I mattered to.
To my family, I do not matter. To the monsters that have abused me, I do not matter.
Such a fine line in my mind of a broken spirit to a strengthened spirit in just feeling like I matter.
Today I watched a sandhill crane and her baby. The mother and father were standing near the baby. I walked close and the parents made loud noises at me and stood over the baby. I don’t know what that would feel like. I will never know what that will feel like.
Having two men want to find the muscle disease answer, having my old friend hug me to my heart, gives me a clue at what it feels like to what that baby chick must have felt. That baby chick mattered more than anything to his parents.
I know what it feels like to be abandoned by those who are supposed to love you, disregarded, disbelieved, discarded. I will never get over it. I will never understand it. Parents are supposed to fight for their child.
It’s taken me years to learn to fight for myself.
There will always be the monsters. They may be destroying the earth, the animals, the children, the women, the little boys, humanity. Hopefully, there will always be even the slightest balance of a few good men who will fight back. Those two men who will fight to find answers for me. A woman who holds me as my mother should have.
The balance will always be heavily weighted on the side of the monsters. I’ve lived it. I’ve lived through them. The good news is that the few angel we come across have so much more power than the monsters. Two good men fighting for me are more powerful in their good than the 20 that tried to take me down. One good woman hugging me today is more powerful than the mother that chose not to. It is hard to keep that in perspective. Sometimes it feels the bad wins.
As long as we, as women, keep speaking, telling our truth, binding together, building our own tribe of survivors and fighters, then we win.