Time

It’s been 3 years. How did so many years pass? I was angry for 2 years. I’ve been actively choosing to be mindful and find joy and beauty on this earth for 1 year. The problem is that after the seizures I forgot the 2 years of anger. I forgot the 1 year of mindful. I can remember the last few months of mindfulness since my husband bought me my camera. I’ve been looking through the pictures and some of my memories are more clear now. I had 1 year of therapy that I can barely recall. 2 years of anger that I processed and worked through apparently. If you can’t remember all of the epiphanies and revelations and steps forward, does that mean they didn’t happen?

People tell me things like “Yeah I look for my phone while talking on it,” to try and console me and make me feel like I’m not the only one that is “absent minded” or “confused” or “dissociated” or “lost.” I understand why people say what they do but rarely does someone just say, “That must be so frustrating! I’m so sorry!” Most of the time that’s all I really need to hear. Because, yeah, we all look for a hair tie while there is one on our wrist or look for our keys when they are in our hands because we are all stressed and overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I took my wedding bands off and tried to put them in my ears while looking at my song list on my ipad and could not figure out why the music was not playing. Yeah, that would be because my earbuds were sitting next to me while I was trying to listen to music through my wedding band!!!!!! I’m sorry but that just does not compare to looking for your phone while you are on it. But this isn’t a comparison. It is about empathy and understanding. The seizures really caused damage that is not as simple as one may think.

Sometimes, we, I, just need to hear, “ WOW! That must be awful!”

It’s been 11 years since my muscle disease diagnosis. It’s been 4 years since my daughter got sick. It’s been 3 years since any of my family has spoken to me. It has been 6 months since the grandmal seizures caused memory loss. It is as if my brain has been struck by lightening and is misfiring. It has no clue what to feel, what to do, what to say, how to react, or where to go next.

All I know is that it’s been 3 years TOO long since my family has spoken to me. It has been 11 years TOO long since having this muscle disease. It has been 4 years WAY too long since my daughter has been ill.

It will be 35 years since I was first abused.

Next week I will be 46.

Time.

Years.

I wish I fully could remember the full year that I have moved forward.

Yesterday, I called my mom’s number because I forgot that she doesn’t speak to me. Today, I realized it has been THREE years since they all made that choice.

I look at these words as I write them and I feel all of the anger that I apparently processed but I must not have completely resolved.

To go through an entire childhood being molested, only to then get a disease, only to then have seizures, only to then have your child become ill, only to then have your entire family choose NOT me, is just…beyond anything I will ever comprehend.

I know there are many many more who have been through so much worse than I have. But like I said, it isn’t a comparison. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to hear, “Wow, that’s awful. I’m so so sorry.” Today, it would be nice to hear, “I’m so sorry all of that has happened to you.”

I mean if someone wanted to toss in, “ Your family are all a bunch of narcissist assholes,” well that would be ok too. If someone wanted to toss in, “ I cannot believe anyone would leave such a kind hearted sweet girl who had been through so much in her life and never done anything to hurt anyone,” well that would be ok too.

My heart is pained because I do the absolute best I can for MY family(husband and daughter) and even my friends, and I was discarded like trash by those that were supposed to love me.

With my memory loss I truly had no idea it had been 3 years!

Without my memory loss I truly had no idea that it had been 35 years since I was abused as a child.

Time does not heal all wounds.

Time gives us the opportunity to love and live with no regrets. I can say that I have loved. I have lived with no regrets. I have not healed.

I told my husband today that apologies don’t make me feel better. They don’t take away the pain or the memories. He said they would if they were meant! I wonder. I wonder if I will ever get a real apology from someone that means it after all of these years of my suffering.

My mother, my father, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins…discarded me during my suffering. I wonder what kind of healing would occur if there were a true apology for that. Would time heal wounds if during that time came remorse? I may never know.

I don’t know what time will bring me next. Healing physically? An answer to this muscle disease? Calming of the PTSD triggers?

Time? If you are listening…I’m ready for the good! I’m ready for the better! I actively try to move forward, do better, love more. I’m ready for time to give me some mercy. It’s time.

34 thoughts on “Time

  1. Oh so opinionated I feel right now in your behalf! You deserve that apology and the choice to feel however you want about it! Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting in the sense that you would put yourself back in danger or release someone from deserved consequences, and I think that applies to apologies as well. Coping with time issues from seizures and trauma together must be beyond frustrating! AND…. I feel confident telling you that you ARE a kind hearted sweet girl, not just because you said so, but because it comes through in your writing and photos.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so so much for reading this and sharing your thoughts with me. It really means a lot to me.
      It is all very complex and frustrating. And after everything I just feel like I’ve tried so hard to make the best of what I have and yet..I don’t know. Wishing for an apology and wishing for change and wishing for better is something I have hoped for. I know I won’t get the apologies. It’s been too long.
      It’s ironic actually, sorry to ramble here on the comment section but I was just thinking about how last week I was able to forgive the friend whose husband sexually assaulted me and she chose him. I was able to, after many years, see it from her perspective and how she felt living with him and how she had nothing to do with what he did to me. I told her that I loved her and she shared with me how she had grown and changed and saw things differently. We can’t go back. The damage was done. But we can move forward and choose to do better. I didn’t have to forgive her or even reach out to her. He has since left her anyway. But if I can forgive a woman who chose her husband over her best friend when her husband attacked me and caused serious damage….I just cannot understand why my own family cannot apologize to me. But…they aren’t even speaking to me… I spoke a truth they didn’t want to hear. They liked the quiet me who did not speak of the abuse and the past and kept quiet. So that leaves me trying to take care of my daughter and myself and I am deteriorating physically. It is hard. And they know that.
      Ok I need to stop with this rambling.
      Thank you for saying you know I am kind.
      I wish they thought that was good enough. Thank you for thinking it is and saying so

      Liked by 1 person

  2. To me, an apology would be worthless bullshit. *shrugs* that is just me. It is hard to let go of any anger that deals with the roots. *rambles on* I deleted paragraphs of opinionated anger for you, lol… I do think your situation is awful. It fucking sucks… The disease, the emotional damage. The loss… I have no answers or guidance… The only advice I have is to love your immediate family, keep taking pictures and keep writing. Even all those things can be very hard. Time is a bastard. You have to take it and never wait for it!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Every time I read your blog I cry over how much horror you have been through, how much was done to you and how much ‘happened’. Sometimes I can not read it because it hurts too much and sends me off track in my own life. I find myself selfish then. I don’t want to be the silent person standing by. You have had way too many of those. Well, I know from my own life these people exist and they are what makes abuse possible. I do not want to be like that. If I can do anything for you it is to read and be witness to your life. Support possibly by commenting or liking so your voice will be heard. For yourself and for others.
    I am not sure if puting in writing what I think about and feel for your family is going to make this world a better place. They are dark and destructive. If there is one good thing coming from this is that I have become more serious about working on my own darkness. And more serious in not standing by and letting things happen.
    On excuses: I found that when excuses really come from the bottom of a (sick) heart and are truthful, they helped me. But that means that somebody needs to say more than only “Sorry.” It should at least incluse: “I was confused, I was scared, I was uncomfortable and blamed that on you. I had my own issues with sex/abuse (?), I was scared what people might say and so I took the easy way out, for me. And I let you take all the pain I could not carry as a mother/father/…. I let what others thought of us as a family rule over my sacred duty to protect you. I knew what I did was wrong but I preferred to think that it was not my fault. I took the easy way out by disbelieving you and I separated you from us to make it easier for me. I have failed you and this world as a parent/neighbour/brother/aunt/uncle/priest/pastor/teacher/trainer/doctor/community member.”
    Aah, not sure if there is any help in this. I hope. If not, please let me know, I do not want to burden you extra.
    xx, Feeling

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    • First I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my story and its ups and downs, trials and tribulations, fails and victories. Second, please remember that on my about page is a trigger warning for my blog. I do not want you harming your own progress and process by reading about my pain. I want you to take care of you and I would never want you to hurt your own healing by reading about mine. I do greatly appreciate your words of compassion and empathy and understanding.
      I sometimes have to take a step back from reading other’s blogs. I will read one a day or 2 depending because I don’t want to be triggered into remembering my own drama when I am trying to pull myself out of it. But i know the feeling of wanting to validate others and give that kind of love and listening when that person has not had it. Just don’t do it at the expense of yourself please! I care about you too much for that to happen.
      I do agree with the excuses and apologies. Some people legitimately have remorse and I accept their apology. One man who abused me actually sent me a letter of apology and meant it sincerely and that did help. Any of the things you wrote coming from my family in sincerity would mean something. I don’t think they care or are capable though. Most days it does not matter. Some days it does and I write about it. Some for myself. Some for others who have had loss and I want them to know they can connect to me and are not alone in their loss.
      Your kind words meant a lot. Thank you

      Liked by 2 people

      • Grateful for your answer. I know no pain at my side from glassfiber will make yours any less, and that it might even be called vain, or idle but often I think: if she could live through it, I should be able to read it. I will herewith take a little step back and see. I am thinking of digital detox anyhow. FB and newssites lately feel like bad stuff being put on me from another standpoint. If that makes any sense?
        Sending hugs, wishing you a beautiful Easter in all its meaning.
        xx, Feeling

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      • It’s so important to take care of yourself. I stopped watching the news a year ago. I deactivated my facebook. I only use instagram to post my photos because they make me happy. I tried to step away from things that bring me back down for now as I am trying to build back up. At some point I will be more help to others and their healing. Hopefully I can still help others on the way.
        It think it is very brave of you to read what I write after your own struggles. You shouldn’t have to read anything though that gives you that pit in your stomach.
        Thank you for your kind words. Wishing you a wonderful Easter too. It’s a big day

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  4. It truly must be so awful to discover you are putting something other than your earbuds in your ears to listen to music. That has to be alarming as hell to realize what you’re doing and then think about the damage the seizures did.

    I hate this for you. You never deserved any of that abuse!

    I think sincere apologies can help in healing both the person wronged and the relationship (if applicable) of the two people or group of people. I agree with your husband there.

    BUT..it’s been so long, all this time in between now. So there’s another factor.

    I’m sorry.. I’m not trying to separate you even more. I guess I’m saying that the apology that they need to make is at least three fold. One for letting all that happen to you and not being there to protect the way parents should. Two for turning their backs on you a few years ago and three for letting all this time go by. And of course if that even happens.

    It must be so confusing and frustrating to have these ‘episodes’ (sorry I don’t know what to call them) where you don’t remember and then do remember. It must feel all new again. And I’m sorry that and hate that you go through such torture. Like you haven’t been through enough shit already as it is.

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    • I forgot…I also wanted to comment on the time heals wounds thing. I agree with you that that is BS. Time does not heal such emotional wounds. Love, validation, understanding and loyalty from others…THAT heals.

      Unfortunately, (or maybe even fortunately) sometimes those things have to come from ourselves when we don’t get it from certain others we feel we need it from. Those things make a big difference when they come from others, especially if it’s from the ones who hurt us and now understand the damage they’ve done. But that unfortunately doesn’t happen. (Stating the obvious there.)

      I just hate the idea that healing can’t happen in the absence of those who don’t care and are in denial. It’s hard to move forward without that sense of closure, but I would still prefer to think that there is a strength within that can find closure within.

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    • Oh yeah, completely 3 fold and it will never happen.
      I processed some of that as I wrote it out.
      It has been a really shit few days. I’m trying to find the good and balance and it is not coming easily.
      And yes, they do seem like episodes. It is just seizure related and my brain just has not fully healed and it is so frustrating some days and others it’s like oh well brain not working right.

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  5. I feel very angry all this had happened to you. It is very unfair. The only thing I can say is I am sorry you went through so much and continue to suffer. You are a pretty amazing person. I wish I was your neighbour. I would make you feel so loved just as a friend. I love to pamper people and make them feel nice. You deserve love, peace and joy. You do not deserve this pain emotionally or physically. Big gentle squashy hugs for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can’t imagine what it has been like for you the last 35 years, Bethany. I hear you and I sympathize. I’m glad you have your daughter and husband to help you navigate all of these rough waters and the memory loss. You are a courageous person. Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m happy to have been married for 21 of them and be able to have that safe zone to work on healing. Thank you! It has been difficult but I do find the good and work at making it a priority as best I can. I always appreciate your comments

      Liked by 1 person

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