It’s been 3 years. How did so many years pass? I was angry for 2 years. I’ve been actively choosing to be mindful and find joy and beauty on this earth for 1 year. The problem is that after the seizures I forgot the 2 years of anger. I forgot the 1 year of mindful. I can remember the last few months of mindfulness since my husband bought me my camera. I’ve been looking through the pictures and some of my memories are more clear now. I had 1 year of therapy that I can barely recall. 2 years of anger that I processed and worked through apparently. If you can’t remember all of the epiphanies and revelations and steps forward, does that mean they didn’t happen?
People tell me things like “Yeah I look for my phone while talking on it,” to try and console me and make me feel like I’m not the only one that is “absent minded” or “confused” or “dissociated” or “lost.” I understand why people say what they do but rarely does someone just say, “That must be so frustrating! I’m so sorry!” Most of the time that’s all I really need to hear. Because, yeah, we all look for a hair tie while there is one on our wrist or look for our keys when they are in our hands because we are all stressed and overwhelmed.
Yesterday, I took my wedding bands off and tried to put them in my ears while looking at my song list on my ipad and could not figure out why the music was not playing. Yeah, that would be because my earbuds were sitting next to me while I was trying to listen to music through my wedding band!!!!!! I’m sorry but that just does not compare to looking for your phone while you are on it. But this isn’t a comparison. It is about empathy and understanding. The seizures really caused damage that is not as simple as one may think.
Sometimes, we, I, just need to hear, “ WOW! That must be awful!”
It’s been 11 years since my muscle disease diagnosis. It’s been 4 years since my daughter got sick. It’s been 3 years since any of my family has spoken to me. It has been 6 months since the grandmal seizures caused memory loss. It is as if my brain has been struck by lightening and is misfiring. It has no clue what to feel, what to do, what to say, how to react, or where to go next.
All I know is that it’s been 3 years TOO long since my family has spoken to me. It has been 11 years TOO long since having this muscle disease. It has been 4 years WAY too long since my daughter has been ill.
It will be 35 years since I was first abused.
Next week I will be 46.
I wish I fully could remember the full year that I have moved forward.
Yesterday, I called my mom’s number because I forgot that she doesn’t speak to me. Today, I realized it has been THREE years since they all made that choice.
I look at these words as I write them and I feel all of the anger that I apparently processed but I must not have completely resolved.
To go through an entire childhood being molested, only to then get a disease, only to then have seizures, only to then have your child become ill, only to then have your entire family choose NOT me, is just…beyond anything I will ever comprehend.
I know there are many many more who have been through so much worse than I have. But like I said, it isn’t a comparison. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to hear, “Wow, that’s awful. I’m so so sorry.” Today, it would be nice to hear, “I’m so sorry all of that has happened to you.”
I mean if someone wanted to toss in, “ Your family are all a bunch of narcissist assholes,” well that would be ok too. If someone wanted to toss in, “ I cannot believe anyone would leave such a kind hearted sweet girl who had been through so much in her life and never done anything to hurt anyone,” well that would be ok too.
My heart is pained because I do the absolute best I can for MY family(husband and daughter) and even my friends, and I was discarded like trash by those that were supposed to love me.
With my memory loss I truly had no idea it had been 3 years!
Without my memory loss I truly had no idea that it had been 35 years since I was abused as a child.
Time does not heal all wounds.
Time gives us the opportunity to love and live with no regrets. I can say that I have loved. I have lived with no regrets. I have not healed.
I told my husband today that apologies don’t make me feel better. They don’t take away the pain or the memories. He said they would if they were meant! I wonder. I wonder if I will ever get a real apology from someone that means it after all of these years of my suffering.
My mother, my father, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins…discarded me during my suffering. I wonder what kind of healing would occur if there were a true apology for that. Would time heal wounds if during that time came remorse? I may never know.
I don’t know what time will bring me next. Healing physically? An answer to this muscle disease? Calming of the PTSD triggers?
Time? If you are listening…I’m ready for the good! I’m ready for the better! I actively try to move forward, do better, love more. I’m ready for time to give me some mercy. It’s time.