Love/Hate of me list

A few weeks ago I was in a store and someone muttered under their breath that I was a lesbian. It took me aback a bit. Then I was like “POWER TO THE WOMEN!” Call me a lesbian!

Last week someone called me a boy. They actually thought that since I was “small” and had “short hair” I was a boy. I must say I was a bit offended. Why does short hair make me a boy? But then again I don’t always care what people think of me. Why it bothered me that that person though I was a boy I have no clue. Just one of those days I think. It got me thinking about myself though. I thought about how I look, how I dress, how others perceive me and that led me to what I think of others which then led me to my Love/Hate about myself blog. This list gets things added to it daily! Like after I wrote this I just thought “OH wait, I Love how when I see a butterfly I feel like a child! That should be on my love list!” And then I thought ” I really hate that my muscle disease makes me pee in the bed which then gives me 4 hours of laundry and I HATE that about myself for so many reasons! On the hate list!!!” So here is my original list…

The things I love about myself:

1. I don’t judge a person for what they look like. Their clothing, their make up or lack of, their hair length, their shoes, or anything physical does not make me judge them. Whether they have a limp, a wheelchair, does not make me think anything. My thoughts on a person are not reflected or based upon how they look whatsoever.

2. I don’t judge based on gender identity, sexual preference, religious beliefs or lack of, political views.

3. I try to find something positive in everyone that I meet.

4. I try to find something beautiful in nature every day.

5. I give thanks at the end of the day even if it is the worst day EVER.

6. I will spend an hour sitting with a dying cow because I love every creature on earth

7. I will spend an hour trying to get a tree frog out of the house that has jumped in.

8. I will do the right thing even if it means it could hurt me or have dangerous repercussions EX: reporting nursing home abuse and being chased out of the nursing home by the owner for taking photos of the abuse

9. I stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves

10. I know when to apologize and I do

11. I love with all of my heart

12. I will go into a house that is full of pesticide bomb just to save a cat and her kittens because their lives are worth it and I have.

13. I tell the truth

14. I have humility, integrity, and honor.

15. I am 100% faithful and devoted to my husband and always will be

16. I am 100% devoted to being a mother to my daughter and I will always fight for her and be her advocate

17. I try each day to evolve, be a better person. I have an open mind and am willing to change with new information and education.

18. I feel deep empathy for those who suffer and have been affected by tragedy and abuse and I want to make a difference to them.

19. I’ve never intentionally hurt anything or anyone. I will take great measures to help others and animals

20. I see each person for the individual that they are. What their heart and souls say matters to me. Their actions and their ability to love and have acceptance are what I want to “see.” I can look at a person and it will not cross my mind their weight, their scars, and what others may judge. I “see” what my heart feels by just being in their presence.

21. I respect others even if their views are nothing like mine.

Things I hate about myself (hate is a strong word so we will say, frustrate me about me)

1. I blindly trust

2. I forget to establish boundaries

3. I feel deeply and profoundly so that when I am hurt or even if I see someone else hurting it affects me for days.

4. I have not conquered even in the slightest % PTSD

5. I have not conquered even in the slightest % of past abuse affects

6. Physical pain in my body puts me in a foul mood and I am not as patient as I should be

7. That I still have dissociation

8. That perfume/cologne/scents affect me so intensely and ruin an entire day (ptsd)

9. That I have this muscle disease

10. That I cannot be independent because of the muscle disease

11. That I have to rely on others and they are often not there for me

12. That I feel alone even when I shoudln’t

13. That I am so hard on myself for allowing people in my life that end up hurting me

14. I hate that I have so much hate for my family. I wish I could just forget about them all together

15. The nightmares I have each night

16. That I don’t have more of a support system.

17. That society expects the “norm” to be THEIR norm and that if you don’t fit into a box then you are discarded, judged, humiliated.

18. That I feel that being me is not enough

19. That I cannot be the mom I want to be due to the PTSD and the muscle disease limits what I want to be capable of.

18 thoughts on “Love/Hate of me list

  1. We actually have very similar love-hates. As I read your lists I was saying in my head a lot, “yes,”…especially in the hate (frustrated) list. I think though that you (we) can recognize these things about ourselves is actually progress. Did you know you dissociated before? I didn’t. Now I know when I do or might or can look back and understand when I did or why I reacted to a situation in a way I did. Did you even know any of these feelings before? I didn’t…I had no idea what feelings were…except maybe anger that erupted from time to time. So I think if you could answer these questions in such a way, you might see that yes, you have made some progress with your past and your ptsd. It’s acknowledgement and awareness. Awareness, especially for me, was/is a little bit of progress…a lot really. Self awareness is also new and good. We need to know we are enough, because we are, just as we are. It’s harder said than done to accept, I know. ❤

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  2. You have a beautiful ‘what you love about you list’. Your compassion and open mindedness makes you a very special person. And in addition to that: I, from a distance, do see that you have ‘conquered’ parts of your PTSD and abuse. You could have gone bitter and turned against others, you did not.
    I am sorry that your disease disables you. I can not pretend to understand because I am pretty sure this is one of those things one has to experience to understand to the fullest.
    On the subject of ‘not being enough’, this is something which is a common subject in the sober scene as well. It is related to shame and having been shamed into ‘not being (good) enough’. Not sure if you knew the connection to shame here? I am currently reading a book which helps me tremendously with this subject. I know it sounds stupid, but I seem to do everything with a book. Now I understand the dynamics of it I can feel my inside ‘filling up with being enough’ – if that makes sense. My heart comes to rest. I can find I am good enough. And with that find other people good enough. You are enough. ❤
    xx, Feeling

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  3. You’re so much better than me for taken the time to think this list out. My wife’s got short hair and she’d love it if they called her a lesbian. I’m a bit of a lesbian too for liking women,,,but I’m a dude. I think you’re got a great attitude. Keep pushing the boundaries.

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  4. On the “love” list, maybe you forgot to write about how observant you are of fine details. Also what lovely photographs you take. And what about how kind and encouraging you are to your online WP community? xxoo

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