Abuse and the secrets of abuse are chains. Those chains lock you to the abuser and those secrets. I don’t keep secrets. Some may think, “well what is your secret and what is another’s secret, how do you know whose to tell?” There is a very simple answer to that: I do not give anonymity to an abuser, period. So some may think, “telling his name will hurt his family or his friends or his work.” To that I say: I care more about the victims. They are trapped in chains. To keep his secret I am throwing away the key to that lock.
The truth. My truth is mine to tell. I have told it in my blog as best I can. I have revealed things about myself others could perceive as shameful, JUST to break the stigma of shame that surrounds abuse. I’ve shared my mental health status in painful details, JUST to break the stigma put on those with mental illness. I’ve also told the details of abuse I have endured in my life at the hands of many men and written their names out over and over again. I write their names because a woman will one day read this and say, “ I know David Bloomquist and he did that to me. I thought I was the only one!” Someone may read this and say, “I know Billy Banks and he did that to me. I thought I was the only one!” I know these men have families. I care about the victims that the criminal has harmed. I also care about the innocence of the families who are damaged by this criminal. I care about everyone involved. I care mostly about the truth. I think so many people forget about the victims because they are trying to protect the rest of the innocent people in the family. If we continue to think this way we will always remain silent. The victims will always be silent. There will always be someone we don’t want to hurt. By doing that, the chains tighten on those who already have been silenced and abused I recently wrote about a family member who hurt many women in my family, Ken. Ken is dead. Ken can no longer hurt anyone. Everyone Ken did hurt is bound in chains by the secrets of what he did to them. So, who am I to talk about Ken’s secret? Because it was not just his secret and it never should have been. That secret was put on me to keep. A secret that should never be put on a child or anyone for that matter. Ken went to his grave still having power over those secrets he forced everyone in my family to keep. He doesn’t deserve that power. By speaking his name I am giving a key to all of his victims so that they can be free. They don’t have to protect him anymore. They can take back their power. He doesn’t hold the key anymore.
As individuals we can choose to stay silent. Some horrors I have experienced I have never shared and I know I never will. But I can tell you the names of those who inflicted them and I have because those men don’t GET to hold the key anymore. They don’t get that power even in their graves, because their victims are still alive!
So, here is the key, I give it to each of you. We do not owe abusers anonymity. We owe them nothing. We owe ourselves and those who have been chained and alone, freedom.