SoCS: The Letter

“1996

Dear baby,

When I told nana I was pregnant she just looked at me. It wasn’t until I left that evening that she responded. The door was almost closed behind me and she called out my name. I stuck my head back in the door and she said, “You take care of yourself and that baby. The baby comes first.” I smiled and told her I would and that I loved her and closed the door. That was the last time I ever saw nana until last night. I drifted off to sleep and all of a sudden I was in a room with Nana. Nana took me by the hand and we appeared at mom’s house. She told me to make sure mom was ok. She showed me mom and she was getting ready for work all frantic. She told me i need to look after mom because she was worried about her. Then we appeared back at Nana’s house. I sat in the little rocking chair. nana looked absolutely beautiful. Her hair was soft and cottony. It looked like a puffy cloud, and her face was radiant and glowing, her cheeks rosy and her lips pink. She sat up straight which before was impossible because of her osteoporosis and she spoke to me in a calm sweet voice that flowed easily compared to the wheezing I had remembered. I even tried to picture her breathing heavily and she said, “Don’t try and change me to what you remembered. I can breath fine now.” I stood up excited to show her my belly. She said oh my gosh time flies so fast I didn’t know you were still pregnant. I pressed my dress to to my skin so she could see the radius of my new growth. She reached over and patted my stomach as she told me she was sorry she couldn’t be there to share it with me. I knew at that moment I was having a baby girl. Then she said to go to a toy store and buy the baby something from her. Not the new hip toys but an old meaningful toy. With that she stood up and said it was time for her to go. She was wearing an old nightgown. It was her favorite. She said it was comfortable and where she was going she could wear whatever she wanted. She smiled a smile I will never forget. It was the same sweet smile that always reassured me everything would be ok. When she stood she walked like a young girl, elegantly and smooth. She walked out the laundry room door. I told Nana “That isn’t the way out” and she turned around and smiled again and said it didn’t matter what door she took and she walked off into the clouds. I woke up laying in bed and very quickly remembered here I was. I tried to go back to sleep but with you and all six months and thirteen inches of your doing nightly gymnastics in my stomach, I couldn’t. I was crying anyway, so i got up and made my way down the steps to the phone to call mom in hopes she hadn’t left for work, wondering if that was the last time I’d see Nana and hoping she would one day come again.”

I wrote this letter to my daughter when I was still 6 months pregnant with her and my Nana had just passed away. I saw the SoCS prompt was letter and I IMMEDIATELY went to search for that letter. I had not read it since I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 21 years old.

I haven’t seen Nana since.

I still hope one night in my dreams I will…

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS May 5/18

*postscript I just looked up my Nana’s birthday and had no idea that I posted this on her birthday until just now. Now THAT is more than a coincidence.

40 thoughts on “SoCS: The Letter

  1. Bethany, I have chills. This was so meaningful! I’m sure you don’t recall one of my first posts, from over a year ago, (called “Dare to Dream” if you feel like reading it)…. but I had a dream about my own Nana. It was more than just a dream, it was her. Just like yours. I remember every moment of it…so special, and I woke up in tears, just the same. It was really such a gift xo

    Like

    • Ooooh can you put the link on here. I want to read it!!!!!
      I don’t remember reading it at all and I want to now! I wrote that dream the moment I woke up in that letter to my daughter and I still remember the feeling. I remember her walking off into that cloud. I remember being in her house and the smell and how I was so sad she didn’t get to see me pregnant because I told her before she died but I was only a month along and not showing. Just having her pat my belly was profound to me. The whole thing still is surreal. But i am pretty sure i don’t have to tell you that because you totally get it!
      When I woke up I KNEW she had come to say goodbye and to see her now wheezing like she’d done for years and not bent over from the osteoporosis. It was just a magical magical thing.
      But please leave me the link. Or i wonder if i could just search your blog to find it?
      I ask all the time NANA COME BACK!! But she never has. Occasionally I will think I smell her though

      Liked by 1 person

      • Holy shit!!!!! Omgggggggg. Your nana was my nana!!!!
        I wore my nana’s weddding band for years until I gave it to my mom because she wanted it.
        I stayed with my nana on weekends and on wednesday night when my parents had choir practice. She embodied unconditonal love.
        I cannot believe your dream. She came to you!!!!! Wow. Like just wow!! And the rocking chair!!!!!!
        I am speechless

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know…so true…its just the rocking chair wow. The whole thing was just my own life, my own experiences. The letter i wrote to my daughter detailed tons more things. It was 4 pages long. What i put was only part of the letter.
        Our similarities are uncanny

        Like

      • I sit and rock whenever i am sad and it calms me. I also have her china cabinet with her blue willow just as she had it displayed. I wondered for years why she said to look out for my mom and rereading the whole letter i understand now. My mother was her daughter and her daughter was hurting missing her. It really had nothing to do with me or even my relationship with my mom.
        I know why she hasnt come back though. It would be me missing her all over again. Now im left night after night dreaming of trying to get to her house. So frustrating.
        I can see you in the rocking chair. I’ll pull mine along side

        Like

      • I wish mine would come back. Too bad it doesn’t work that way. I read my old blog tonight and a few tears rolled down my cheeks. God, I miss that love…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hey, is the comments section on my blog working? I added a recaptcha due to spam, but I can’t see it, and I’m unsure if people can comment

        Like

      • I commented on your blog post for letters and I can see the comment but it says zero comments when I first look at it. I don’t know what a recaptcha is but the last thing i see on your blog is the SoCS one

        Like

      • I just looked at your site NOT through the reader but the actual blog on my search engine and my comment isn’t there and the last thing there is your SoCS. So did you post something else? And where the heck is my comment!!!!!!

        Like

      • I saw you posted (on reader an hour ago) that you were having issues with your blog. Tried to comment on that and it didn’t post. Sorry . I know how frustrating it can be!

        Like

      • I’ve gotten a few comments finally on the Letters post, so hopefully it’s all set now. I wonder what great conversation I missed??

        Liked by 1 person

      • I just looked up that date nana died and saw her grave stone and just realized it was her birthday yesterday. Go figure THAT. I just updated the blog with her grave stone bc THAT is more than coincidence

        Like

  2. This is a beautiful post. Very encouraging.

    I had a similar dream about my maternal grandfather a few years after he died when I was 26 years old. The dream seemed so real. And when I was thirteen, I knew the moment that my paternal grandfather died, even though I was more than a thousand miles away and did not know he was dying.

    An amazing thing happened after my cousin died. I wrote about it here:
    https://ablogabouthealingfromptsd.wordpress.com/2016/10/05/my-miracle-dog-tag-a-story-of-sorrow-and-of-blessing/

    Like

    • WOW!! That was a divinely sent message for you!!!!!
      Thank you so much for the link. I’ve never been in a sand storm. Sounds very scary, but then to be left with that on your doorstep!
      After I went to the link it said I wasn’t even following your blog! And I saw that I missed the last post you made. Ugh. How do these things even happen! I refollowed. But I never would have noticed had you not left the link and it showed the follow button was unclicked on. How weird wordpress can be.
      Are you still working on your memoirs?
      I knew my grandfather died the moment he did and I was 7 and when my father told me I just remember how surreal it was to think I already know what you’re telling me. But I didn’t see him in a dream ever, just knew. I think some of us have that connection!
      I’m sorry for the loss of your grandfather and your cousin

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, what an emotional post! 🙂 That really stirs up my feelings for missing my grandmother. I was really close with my grandma growing up, as I was the only grandchild she had for quite a few years. She died tragically in a car accident, almost 20 years ago now. Yet, still not a day passes that I don’t still think of her. Thank you for sharing your letter…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s