Feeling like…a lost cause

Today was the first time that a PTSD trigger almost made me pass out. It had nothing to do with the known triggers. It was just a strong smell. My face got hot. I felt all the blood drain down to my feet. It was as if there were holes in the bottom of my feet and I expected to look down and see all of the blood had left my body. Almost everything went black. I couldn’t breathe. I had such dissociation that I am writing this in my bed 2 hours later and I have a complete time lapse. I know I’ve been crying for the last hour but I cannot tell you the steps that got me here.

Sadly, the person I was with did not see the signs. I wonder, if the signs are seen by others can they be stopped. Can empathy and understanding, focusing, stop dissociation? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone notice and say, “ Are you ok? What can I do to help you.” My daughter did a few times but she was so far away in my mind that she couldn’t reach me. She’s only seen this happen a few times. I think the rest of the time the blank look and frozen body can be easily overlooked. I don’t feel truly understood. I don’t know if I can by others who have no idea what this feels like. I just don’t know. I have no answers anymore.

It breaks my heart. My heart is broken.

I lay here in a soaked bed of tears that I never cry and I know exactly why. Crying does not help me. It makes me feel more broken.

I’m so utterly and deeply sad that I don’t know if I could be consoled.

I suppose I’d have to be noticed to be consoled regardless.

My husband gave me such a great day too. He bought me a beautiful birdbath, took me to the botanical gardens, and went for a long walk with me when we got home.

But I lay here, at this very moment, and I feel alone.

I just see no saving me.

I sat here for an hour looking at my photos hoping I could focus on the beauty I experienced. It didn’t work. Not right now.

I just feel like…

A lost cause.

32 thoughts on “Feeling like…a lost cause

  1. Sending you love and good wishes. Your photographs are soooo beautiful, you are so talented. You must also be so patient and mindful and have such a connection with nature, the birds and animals, to enable you to take these great photographs. I hope this sad time soon passes xxx

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  2. I want to save you. I want to understand you. I have often felt like a lost cause. I could easily use much of you wrote above to describe moments I’ve had repeatedly throughout my life.

    For me it’s an autism thing. Part of what that means is that I live in my own little world — a world I am powerless to explain to the satisfaction of others. I imagine that for you it’s a rape thing. Although I have been sexually abused both as a child and teenager (the gay community is lucky I know the difference between pedophilia and homosexuality, a distinction that confuses many, I’ll tell you that), but I have never been raped in the way that you have. But I have recently had experiences so psychologically traumatic that I feel entitled to describe them as a form of gang rape. Although I know this is a metaphor, for me it is not “only” or “merely” a metaphor, but quite literally a generous sniff of the stink of your own trauma. I’m sorry if I am nevertheless misunderstanding you anyway, but I really think I do understand you well enough— as much as anybody could without being literally raped in the way that you have.

    Regardless, I want to save you. I want to understand you. I have often felt like a lost cause. I hope that is helpful. If not, please just disregard this comment — delete it if you wish. I wouldn’t take that personally.

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    • I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and share your own experiences with feeling misunderstood or not understood at all. I believe many of us have a common feeling even if it may come from different sources. My heart does go out to you for the traumas you have experienced.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry that you are going through this trying time. Dissociation can be difficult. Not many people understand, or like you wrote, even notice. For me though, it was just the opposite. My employers would notice me “spacing out”. I wouldn’t hear any instructions they gave me. They’d come down on me for it. I got fired twice because of it, it happened so frequently. I do have one good friend who notices and understands. She’s also a survivor of incest. During a conversation, I might dissociate. She gently says to me, “Barbara, where did you go?” That often can be enough to bring me back into the moment. I hope you feel better soon.

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    • Oh gosh I am so sorry that they notice in a FIRING kind of way not a helpful way. How devastating that must have felt. I am so sorry to hear you went through that.
      Thank you for your understanding words. I’m glad you have a good friend. They truly are priceless

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  4. I feel similar today…what I know is that a feeling of hopelessness is entirely how anyone would feel after being triggered like that. It’s exhausting. I am in bed and cannot move. But I know this is just a day to get through and there will be better moments than how we feel now 💗💗💗

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    • Thank you for understanding. I guess we were both in bed feeling the same. I was hoping I would wake up feeling differently but this has lingered longer than I thought. Hopefully the day will distract me in some way

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  5. I too have been there many a times, in fact just the other week it happened to me.
    If it wasn’t for my dogs and cats, I wouldn’t come out of them.
    So sorry this happened.
    You may feel like you are alone, but we are here for you.

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    • I think not having my dog has really run deep because he has always brought me back but now it seems I have nothing to fully keep me present.
      I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and being there for me

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for being so open and honest. I wish I could physically be there with you, so you wouldn’t have to go through this alone. I know how scary it can all be. The loss of time, the exhaustive emotions, it wrecks havoc on you physically, emotionally and mentally. And it is the worse feeling to feel so lost and alone all over again. If you’d ever like to email me and “talk” I’d be happy to listen. ❤
        Be gentle and good to yourself. Thinking of you.

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  6. Good grief, Bethany, I cannot fathom how you felt during and after. I’m so sorry you have to suffer these things in the present that have their roots in the horrors of your past. Thank you for sharing these painful moments.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness

  8. Just read your about me and wanted to say that, I am proud of your brave soul. You have so many illness but you are shining like a knight giving hope to people. I think it is beautiful, raw and stronger then any other force on earth. Have fun my friend. oh by the way, I love owls too. 🙂

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