Today was the first time that a PTSD trigger almost made me pass out. It had nothing to do with the known triggers. It was just a strong smell. My face got hot. I felt all the blood drain down to my feet. It was as if there were holes in the bottom of my feet and I expected to look down and see all of the blood had left my body. Almost everything went black. I couldn’t breathe. I had such dissociation that I am writing this in my bed 2 hours later and I have a complete time lapse. I know I’ve been crying for the last hour but I cannot tell you the steps that got me here.
Sadly, the person I was with did not see the signs. I wonder, if the signs are seen by others can they be stopped. Can empathy and understanding, focusing, stop dissociation? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone notice and say, “ Are you ok? What can I do to help you.” My daughter did a few times but she was so far away in my mind that she couldn’t reach me. She’s only seen this happen a few times. I think the rest of the time the blank look and frozen body can be easily overlooked. I don’t feel truly understood. I don’t know if I can by others who have no idea what this feels like. I just don’t know. I have no answers anymore.
It breaks my heart. My heart is broken.
I lay here in a soaked bed of tears that I never cry and I know exactly why. Crying does not help me. It makes me feel more broken.
I’m so utterly and deeply sad that I don’t know if I could be consoled.
I suppose I’d have to be noticed to be consoled regardless.
My husband gave me such a great day too. He bought me a beautiful birdbath, took me to the botanical gardens, and went for a long walk with me when we got home.
But I lay here, at this very moment, and I feel alone.
I just see no saving me.
I sat here for an hour looking at my photos hoping I could focus on the beauty I experienced. It didn’t work. Not right now.
I just feel like…
A lost cause.