Disposable

Everyone has their own issues but COME ON!!!!! Excuses seem so cowardly and pathetic to me these days. Why? Because I have fought through pain and illness and abuse and PTSD and can still text someone, call someone, check on someone. I can still make an effort to make a person matter even with everything I have going on. So I hate it when I hear, “Well maybe they have a lot going on.” Really? I mean there is a sliding scale. Some days I have hardly anything “going on” and it is too much. I understand that we all have our own issues but they should not be used as excuses to stop caring about other human beings. Because this human being feels disposable. And I am not just conjuring that feeling up out of space! I am not creating that drama or overreacting to an emotion. I am very much, matter of fact, disposable. And I wish that statement were not true.

It took me a long time to let it sink in, 10 years about, that my inability to meet my friends was a clear indicator that our friendship only worked because I made it work.

Patti was my friend since I was 18. After not being able to drive I have seen her probably 3 times. In ELEVEN years! She lives about 40 minutes from me and has come to my town often for school and errands. So you could say well she must have issues she is working out. I am sure she does. But that didn’t stop that facebook post of her being on the field for her kids prom or homecoming or whatever it was. If you can run errands, if you can take your kids to all their activities, then their IS time and you ARE capable you just don’t CHOOSE to be capable with me. Disposable.

Then there is Tracy. 21 years of friendship. And yep you could argue that she has issues. But those issues didn’t keep her from that baby shower or that work party or that concert. But it sure as hell kept her from coming to see me. Disposable.

Hmm we have Donna who I was friends with for about 8 years. She lives right down the road but since I did not testify against her husband in her divorce…disposable.

Dee…walked every single day with her and her dogs but she divorced her husband and moved away and not a word since. Disposable.

Or maybe just convenient at the time and then later so easy to walk away from.

Maybe these women are so miserable with their husbands or jobs or lives that their excuses are valid. Maybe my health and my issues are just too much for them. Again…disposable.

Then we have Holly who I actually forgave for standing by her husband after he assaulted me. I opened that door right back up in my forgiveness. I created closure. But that was last week. For 10 years I was 100% disposable. Or maybe I was just a memory she didn’t want to remember.

Just like my family. They don’t want to KNOW that I am living in pain, suffering, that bad things have happened to me and I am struggling. They live in denial. Holly lived in denial. Everyone easily turns their backs on the truth of abuse and illness by living in their own excuses.

I once found their excuses plausible . I had empathy for their own issues as I listened to them day in and day out. Because they ALL have ISSUES. The only difference is I was the only one LISTENING to their issues and I was getting nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because…disposable.

Erika, well she dumped on me for years. Everyone does. They all dump their troubles and their sorrows and I listen. I am there. Hours upon hours of my listening. Because I truly cared. But Erika didn’t like my emotions or my illness or my truth. I am not allowed emotions. I am expected by all of these “friends” and always have been to be seen and not heard. You want to screw 20 year olds but I can’t express the anger I feel towards those who violated me. Yeah. That makes sense. Slowly but surely I have recognized how these friendships work. Those with no conscience don’t work well with someone like me who lives by hers.

So when I said NO. DONE. STOP BEING A SHIT FRIEND. STOP BEING A SHIT FAMILY. Actually listen to me and be there for me. No one fought for me. Not one of these people made me feel I mattered. I think they were just waiting for the disposable part. I was so easy to walk away from. But I asked for nothing. I was the one who drove to meet them, to pick their kids up, to take care of their animals. I asked nothing of anyone EVER.

Then I got sick. And I STILL didn’t ask anything. Just an occasional visit, effort, something that made me feel like this was not one sided. And I got NOTHING.

But as chronically ill people do, I hung on. I didn’t want to lose the only friends I had. I held on to them and suffered through their lives without them even once offering to help me with mine. They all knew that I could not drive, I could not do the simplest of things. They were pathetic friends that I held onto for fear of having nothing. I even told Tracy that being her friend made me feel more lonely than having no friend at all. The same for Patti. Because knowing that I was not worth a phone call or a visit or an effort, a trip to sit with me in the hospital in the 32 times I was there, just ate away at me.

My mother was the only one that ever came when I called. Yet she was the FIRST to walk away given the opportunity in the truth of the abuse I endured.

What is so ironic is that most of them have the power to change their situations. They can drive for therapy. They can get divorced. They have jobs, money, lives. But choose to do nothing. I have no options. No opportunities. But I still choose to live in the truth while they live in denial and dispose dispose dispose of anything that does not fit into their denial of life.

I wish I could live in denial. I really do. I wish I could deny it all. The abuse, the PTSD, the muscle disease, the chemical sensitivities, all of it. But my mind and body won’t let me. I don’t have that luxury or curse really. I don’t get a choice. But I really never have. I have ALWAYS been disposable. To the men who have used me. The the family that abandoned me. To the friends who found me inconvenient.

What is one to do with this?

I am aware that someone can point out that we are all disposable.

I am also aware that we shouldn’t be.

I worked in nursing homes for 8 years and I know what disposable looks like. I was there for them. I was there for everyone who had no true validation for their suffering. I made others feel like they mattered. Until, I could not bear the feeling they each gave me that proved to be true. I am easily disposable.

It is not a reflection on me.

It is a reflection on the heartlessness, the selfishness of others. They don’t deserve excuses. God, I am so tired of hearing others give people excuses for being awful human beings. Because I don’t use excuses. I don’t say, “Sorry I cannot listen to your woes as I have a muscle disease and haven’t slept in 11 years.” I don’t say, “ I had a panic attack earlier so I cannot listen to the same story about your husband again.” I don’t use my disabilities, issues, suffering, as an excuse to be a bad human being and a terrible friend. They don’t get to either.

I may be disposable but at least I have integrity. I may not matter to one human being, friend, or family, but I know in my heart that I have lived my life with honor and honesty and empathy.

I’m not sure how they live with themselves. Yes I do. Denial. What a waste of their humanity and time on this earth. If I can give closure to a dying woman whose husband literally ruined my life, I am pretty sure I am worth an occasional phone call.

I’ve learned people are not like me.

I may be disposable but I can no longer sit back and keep people in my life that treat me that way.

Some have walked away. Some I have walked away from. In the end, I can live with my choices. I often wonder how they live with theirs.

31 thoughts on “Disposable

  1. Sometimes people don’t know how to react when a friend is ill, depressed or has PTSD, so they stay away. One of my friends told me that hearing about my trauma was bad for her mental health and I wasn’t allowed to talk about my ex partner and the abuse. We had been friends for 20 years…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, i know. But that was part of my blog. I am tired of the excuses others use as reasons for being shit friends. I am not asking for anyone to listen to abuse or listen to me talk about my illness. I have only ever asked for presence. One person gave me that and she passed away of cancer.
      Your friend you had for 20 years, i understand her wanting boundaries due to her own trauma but that doesn’t mean she cannot be there for you. I often hear that someone doesn’t know what to say. There are books for that. There is common sense for that. I don’t always know what to say but the point of my blog is that those who are suffering often feel like disposable due to their illness and they should not feel that way especially because of the insensitivity of others who claim to be their friends

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow do I completely understand this! The past few weeks I have realized that if I don’t contact my friends, nobody contacts me and it pisses me off. Sure the past few years I have been held up in PTSD hell but I always reached out when I could and even then I realized they never did. That’s why for 9 days now I have not contacted any of them and low and behold have not heard from any of them. The hell with them i am not reaching out they are not true friends

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s why I wrote this. The realization is hard core it really is. I feel for you and what you are going through. Just seeing that wow, no one contacts me. Like WOW! Just last week I was in the ER and that night someone messaged me that was having a hard day and i didn’t even MENTION I was in the ER. So it puts things in perspective of wow so my real friends have time to drink a margarita *thank you social media for showing me these truths, and yet can’t just send me a quick text hello!
      It sucks.
      Give sweet anna a hug for me!!!!
      Sorry you’ve been held up in ptsd hell.
      I’ve been in it for about month now and I wish there were some sort of magic pill because it has never lasted this long and I have never felt so despondent in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The realization of this is indeed difficult and the terrible thing is they will never recognize this behavior. Unfortunately, those were never true friends. And that hurts because you invested time into them. All is fair in love and war so now you can walk away without guilt. Do not allow them to disrupt your energy. The time will come and their eyes will be opened but luckily for you, you will have already accepted them for who they are and moved forward in your life without them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know. That’s what hurts the most. Is the realization that they really didn’t care to begin with. Hard pill to swallow. I have moved on. I do wonder if their eyes will ever be truly open.
      My friend Laura…she was doing to chemo and I would get a ride to see her every day for a week and then she’d go home for 3 weeks and rest until the next round. For a year. During that 3 weeks she would come and see me which she wasn’t supposed to be doing. She was supposed to be resting but i was in the town her doc was in so after she saw him she’d see me. Just knowing that a friend like THAT existed is inspiration that these people are out there. She passed away of cancer. After losing her i started realizing wow someone who is dying can come see me just as I found a way to go see her. True unconditional love. I have not found that in a friend since.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can so relate to what you are going through. Almost ALL my friendships (I’m down to six) require me to keep them going. If I want to connect with someone I am the one who picks up the phone. I am the one who asks to get together for coffee or lunch. Sometimes I wait, to see who calls ME. Weeks, even months, will go by with no contact from them. Eventually, I give in and call – because I want/need the connection. Sometimes when I call I’ll hear, “I was beginning to worry. I haven’t heard from you in a while.” I tell them they can always pick up the phone, but it doesn’t work. I had a dear friend of ten years with whom I spoke every day and visited with 3-4 times a week. There was a good balance between who contacted each other. She passed away in March. I like these women who are my friends. I don’t want to give up on them. I enjoy their company. I’ve come to accept that if I want to have people in my life, it is likely that I will have to put in most of the effort. It’s been that way all my life. It’s not right. But my only alternative is to be alone and I need connection. It’s too easy for me to isolate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh gosh I am so so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the same and that your friend passed away too. Mine was my longest dearest friend and she was dying of cancer and STILL came to see ME which is why other’s excuses don’t really hold up too well for me.
      I know about not wanting to lose what you had. The friend down the road that just moved was unavoidable but I know I won’t hear from her again. She didn’t even say goodbye. I used to just cave in after a month and contact a friend because I was lonely and that would start up the conversation again but lately it seems the well has run dry.
      Thank you so much for your understanding comment. At least I am not alone in this

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So many people I used to hang out with, I never see anymore. Lots of them I lost touch with before I even knew I had C-PTSD.

    There was also a friend who was shot in a mass shooting in one of the malls around here. She was the one to actually break all contact with me. I was really sad because I wanted to see her. So there’s that side of it.

    Another woman I’ll admit I did get tired of hearing about a significant other who treated her horribly after she had just gotten free from another abusive man. Ugh…I could go on about that one but I won’t do that here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had that with the friend or friends who just complained about their husbands and maybe I wouldn’t have minded AS much if they just gave a little effort to the fact that I had my own stuff too and it would be nice to felt worthy of a listening ear. Just having my husband gone two months and have NO ONE of my friends offer to help me with anything is so straight up shitty. I mean truly shitty. Unforgivable shitty. End friendship shitty.
      Yeah, I could go on and on too. Im sorry you’ve been through it too. Crap I still never commented on your blog. Ugh. Sorry . I read it . I just kept forgetting to comment. I went out to take photos tonight for an hour. Just posted a few of the pictures

      Like

      • I agree so much with that. It is shitty. And knowing enough about you, if the roles were reversed, you’d be there for a friend who needed help. Husband gone two months 😦 How lonely. I’m sorry.

        The friend that I said that to, that I didn’t wan to hear about “Bobby” anymore…I told her while I was hungry, blood sugar was low and as soon as she started talking the trigger was intense. I don’t feel all that justified about it. I mean I felt how I felt but I do wish I’d handled it differently.

        She had been there for me after a break up and I talked about him ad nauseum. She kind of hinted in a manipulative way though that she’d gotten sick of hearing about it. Sorry I don’t remember the context, but we’d been sitting at a table in a restaurant/bar waiting for our food. And she said, “When I tired of hearing about it I’ll let you know.”

        I was confused and said, “Oh are you tired of hearing about it?” Fully expecting a yes answer and prepared to spare her. I knew I was obsessing and needing so much reassurance. But she said, “No, I said I’ll tell you when it happens.”

        I said ok and we went about our evening. I guess it wasn’t okay for me to tell her though. lol.
        Later when I called her she told pulled a mind fuck and said something about thinking I said I didn’t want to hang out with her anymore…or something like that.

        Either way, I still for my own sake and to feel better about myself and to not shock her so much, if i could do it again, I’d just be more diplomatic and say something for the moment. Like, I’m sorry this is still going on with him. Listen, I’m really hungry right now. Can I call you back after I have some dinner?”

        Sigh…live and learn.

        Like

  6. I can relate to this. It infuriates me when I don’t hear from someone for months and just given the excuse, “I was busy”. I’m sorry but an email or phone call can be short and take less than 5 minutes. It’s impossible that someone doesn’t have 5 minutes in the their day to check in.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is all too common when you are a person who knows how to be a good friend. People want to be around you because you listen and you care. This is a dwindling phenomenon as more and more souls become self-centered. Caring men and women are at a premium. It hurts to find supposed friends disappearing when our needs become acute. We wonder, were all those years of friendship a waste of our time? We become bitterly disappointed to find out that the loyalty that we thought was reciprocal was only one-sided. But, it wasn’t a waste, for we were improved by feeling affection and devotion to another person. We were improved by loving, by caring. Those that walk away rather than help a friend going through a tough time will never feel their spirit ennobled from standing passionately with another soul and fighting the dark alongside them. It hurts when shallower souls walk away. But they are to be pitied because they will never know the richness, perhaps even the glory of truly loving another human being.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think as my years have gone by… I was used so much for fixing other peoples crap, that I gave up trying to stay in contact. I don’t call anyone anymore… I am not that great of a friend anymore I guess because I am reclusive now.

    It’s hard always being the person that is “there” for everyone… I got tired of all the crap. If I wasn’t giving something, I was ignored…

    Like

    • Once you’ve been used up and spit out it easy to stop trying as protection mode and preservation. Make perfect sense.
      When I go out now I am so interested in looking for things to photograph that if someone walks by I am not interested in a conversation at all. Because in the end I know where it will lead, back to them, and that has gotten very old

      Liked by 1 person

  9. My friends stopped coming around after I got my wheelchair. The white blind cane didn’t keep me from much. The wheelchair was their deal breaker. 20 plus years in friendship, but the one who visits me is my friend with MS who comes by when she is in town from Australia. It isn’t lost on me that my able bodied friends stopped visiting. Thankfully we have our husbands but I do miss my friends. Well put. ❤

    Like

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