I’ve already SEEN Dr. House

I haven’t been writing because my physical health has hit an all time low. My mental health has also hit a low. Someone mentioned to me a number of weeks ago (only the 50th person to mention it) that I needed Dr. House to fix me. Dr. House is a fictional Doctor on a TV show. So, I watched 8 seasons of house. I wrote down all of the differentials and diagnosis of different patients. Sadly, I was able to diagnose most of them in the first part of the show. That is what happens when you’ve been sick most of your life and seen hundreds of real life Dr Houses. Some of the diagnosis on the show…

Organophosphate poisoning

Wilson’s disease

Wegener’s disease

Acute_intermittent_porphyria

Neurocystercercosis

Cushing’s disease

Copper toxicity

Brucellosis

Sjogren

Epilepsy

Endometriosis

Whipple’s disease

Rickettsia

Q fever

Ascariasis

Hyperparthyroidism

Haemochromatosis

Heavy metal toxicity

Lead poisoning

Environmental toxin poisoning

Chiari malformation

Coxackie b virus

Epstein bar virus

Blastomysis

Toxoplasmosis

Anaplasmosis

Malaria

Zika virus

Mastocytosis

Polycystic ovaries

Malignant hyperthermia

And guess what…I have been tested or treated for ever single one of them. I’d copy and paste my labs but I have no space for media to do that but I have the labs that show qfever and all of the others. The point is I HAVE had Dr. House in real life. A ton of them.

I am my own advocate. I study diseases, advocate for myself, and then apply to be in case studies and genetic testing.

I was diagnosed with a muscle disease by muscle biopsy 11 or 12 years ago now. But the muscle disease lacked the genetic mutation component. I found a specialist ON MY OWN in England who has been studying my case since. I have been in a case study in Canada. I have been in a case study at the National Institute of Health. These are the top Doctors in the world and so again, I have SEEN the real LIFE Dr. House times 50 and I am still somewhat of a mystery.

Currently I am being studied in the US as part of a genetic case. He took on my case because of the England doctor’s referral. Everyone around the world has seen copies of my muscle biopsy tissue. Photos of my atrophied leg and shoulder. My case has been presented in Germany and multiple other countries. So far, the journey continues to find an answer. They know I have a muscle disease they just don’t know what is causing it.

They also know I have a bone disease diagnosed around the same time with no idea what is causing it.

I also had a past case of rocky mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease. I had no idea that a person could become reinfected. I just went to the doctor today after being bit by a tick 6 weeks ago. After 2 rounds of antibiotics, one trip to the ER, I am still very much not ok. I tried all of the herbal/holistic/natural approach and I have become sicker. So now come the big guns for daily antibiotic injections since this infection is affecting my heart rate and neurological system. It is deeply deeply upsetting.

I knew I was depressed when I stopped writing. I really knew I was depressed when I didn’t immediately renew my blog for more space to post my photography. I really knew I was depressed when I photographed a once in a lifetime wild horse and felt almost nothing after. I thought maybe it was my anti seizure medicine making me depressed. I thought that maybe it was too many triggers in the last month flaring up my PTSD and anxiety to an all time high. But when I told my doctor today that I truly wish I were dead she took me seriously. The infection is affecting my brain. We have to do the muscular injections of antibiotics. Can my muscles that are atrophied handle 30 injections? I have no idea!

I will tell you that I went to church on my way home and for the first time ever prayed for myself. I always pray there for others but today I prayed for myself. I pray in the garden outside, not in the church.

I’ve had many reasons to wish I were dead. Abuse, PTSD, illness, more abuse…but not until now do I wish I went to sleep and didn’t wake up. Usually a sunset would fix that or a bird or my daughter or husband. Now that this infection from the tick has affected me, I am more sensitive to chemicals, smells, everything is triggering. Everything is overwhelming. Everything makes me sad and despondent.

I just wanted to share my struggle. With someone. Anyone. My blog is about abuse and PTSD but that is really only part of my story. I have a number of rare diseases and I am tired of being my own advocate. I pray this man studying my DNA right now finds the answers because I am just tired. The PTSD triggers push me over the edge. I’m watching my body waste away and so aware the my mind is not far behind. I think I am just hoping for hope. For prayers.

I’m not writing this for suggestions. As you’ve read I’ve been seeing doctors at the highest specialist level I can see all over the world. I’ve tried it all. Even if I don’t get an answer, I hope for spontaneous relief of just one of my symptoms. I need someone to have hope for me because I am about all out. Not a good place to be. So if anyone wants to pass me some hope I will gladly accept!

That little bird that I posted for Linda’s contest…I went out in horrible pain, crying pain, terrible anxiety, terrible panic attack, and I found that bird! And I listened to her song. And she gave me a moment that made me think everything might be ok. That’s why I posted her for Linda’s contest. She was important to me. Giving me hope when I had none. Even for a second. I just need that back again.

Thanks for listening.

56 thoughts on “I’ve already SEEN Dr. House

  1. Bethany: I’m listening. It hurts. You hurt. So much, in so many ways, and no relief …….
    BTW – I just voted for you – it was a really easy choice!
    I hear you, Bethany…. I promise to keep listening and hearing. TS

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  2. While I cannot relate to muscle illness, I can to not wanting to live. It is not the place to be yet we cannot control it. I can pass on my hope to you but may I also suggest a hot bath with candles. It doesn’t sound like much but it has worked wonders for me. I turn off all lights, light candles and breathe in the steam. I am aware you may need assistance getting in and out but if you have the help, give it a try. I am always available if you need someone to talk to.

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  3. It is so impossible to think, clearly, when I am thinking too much. I have C-PTSD. You have found your answer in the little bird, who spoke to you, you listened to her, and not to your own self. Doing this is the way to freedom, Focus on the birds, the wild ones. They have wisdom to help you escape from thinking too much, to experiencing and observing directly. There are miraculous creatures, who are wild and traumatized. They can teach us how to stop thinking and start living.
    Love to you ❀

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    • I agree. They used to save me. Daily. But when I went out a few days ago and had what should have been such a miraculous experience I was overtaken by the PTSD and it stole the joy and peace and promise that nature gives me. I’ve listened to them for the past year each and every day. I may just be so sick now that I can’t really “hear”. I’m hoping that comes back soon.
      Thank you for reaching out to me with such compassion.
      I went from allowing myself to feel to going numb from all of the pain.
      Thank you for inspiring to try again

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  4. I wish I could fix it, so very badly. You always amaze me, what you accomplish every day. No less now, even when you feel so low. You still have the amazing strength to tell us so. It is appropriate to pray for yourself, for faith and peace and for God’s spirit to help you endure and for whatever you need. Sending love your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. My dearest Bethany, what bad luck you have had in your life with your health! You are a beautiful soul who deserves so much more good health and happiness in this life! Although I am not religious, I will think of you and ‘pray’ for you.I hope you have some relief very soon! I am sending lots of love & hugs your way. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for all of your well wishes and love sent my way.
      I’d consider myself more spiritual. I would love anything positive in thought you can muster up for me!
      My husband just said the same about my life. What is so frustrating is I was contributing so much as a chaplain in nursing homes and helping animal rehab. It what I loved to do, helping others in volunteer work. It sucks to have that taken away.
      I hope there is a turn around in my life I truly do. So that I can feel happiness and share it. Until then I will just be honest in where i am and keep trying.
      Thank you for commenting and caring.
      I’m glad I wrote this post. All of the support has given me a boost

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi Bethany,
    I come from a background of natural medicine like homeopathy, Bach Remedies and Ayurveda. we spoke about the Cupper homeopathic medicine like a year ago I think. I am very sorry, no, make that horrified, to read what different diseases have been on/are your path. I could say ‘you do not deserve that’ but that would imply that there is a deserving to be done. Not sure what to say. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Nah, if it were my enemy I would not care. I do care about you. Which is why I take the risk to write down this adverse, possibly abbrasive thoughts of mine on regular medicine. Please don’t read if you do not feel up to it. Please let me know what you really think. I write this because I care <3. Unfortunately that does not mean it can not be perceived as stupid or hurtful. 😦
    So, here I go referring you to another 'Dr. House' so to say, I am shocked to read that you have received so many different 'medicine'. Apart from the obvious painkillers it does not really sound like any of them did anything good to you except make matters worse. Which alligns with my theory that all medicine are a bit, to very poisonous in some way. In general regular medicine either kill the gut bacteria (which we need for good health), weaken the liver and kidneys, prevent nutrients from being taken up, mess with the hormonal systems and then all hell breaks loose.
    Obviously I do not want to be the so maniest person who refers you to somebody but I can not stop myself from trying go get this message through to you. No I am not a doctor, but I have had my own dealings with regular medicine and even the most innocent onces are poison to me. You being even more sensitive, I can only fear that they get to you worst. Again, me not being a doctor- I am still going to ask you to please please please! do NOT go injecting yourself with anti-biotics! Your imune system will be broken down totally. Anti-biotics kill all the good bacteria in your body too which means that you have no bacteria left to actually pick up the sustaining elements from your food. A good mood actually comes from good gut bacteria – so the doctor describing anti-biotics against 'depression' is doeing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what needs to be done. Anti-biotics help against infections and then they leave the body shattered and with a lower immune system then it had before. 80% Of our health comes out of our guts. Killing that environment is criminal in my not so humble opinion. Oooh, this makes me so angry. Sorry.
    Here is my Dr House ;-): If you have the money, time and stamina from where I stand I would not continue with the regular stuff but do one or two Ayurvedic detoxes to get the poison of all those medicine out of your body. Or other non-toxic health treatments like Barbara O'Neills (see YouTube) or possibly your Dr. Eric Berg (YouTube). No body can function properly while taking so much drugs. There is a reason they call it drugs. Most 'medicine' have been approved over having 'good' effects on the said illness 51% of the people for a general healing time improvement of half a day. The short and long term side effects are not taken into consideration. So one could be taking medicine against a high bloodpressure which turns one overweight, depressed and with a higher bloodpressure and weakened kidneys in the long run.
    I know you are in a desperate situation and I will not presume I can even get anywhere near understanding what it must be like, but I beg you please consider basically healthier options of healing before you continue down the regular path again. These drugs sell themselves as medicine but basically you have been fed the contents of a full laboratory's chemical stock by now and from where I read this; it does not sound this has helped. 😦 😦 😦 Much more the other way around. 😦
    I understand that my (way way too long) comment holds some adverse thinking. But again: the regular doctors do not seem to have helped you since their whole base of thinking is wrong: health does NOT come with chemicals.
    Ok, (way past) time to get of my soap box here. I know I am overstepping some boundaries. Keeping silent would not feel right to me. I actually have no clue how to deal with this. 😦 Well, I guess this is how I deal. Please let me know how you feel/think or delete if you do not want to share or deal.
    Wishing you well.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a homeopathic doctor for years and also a natural medicine doctor. He cost me a fortune in hair testing and heavy metal testing and so many other things but I did not get better. Even the herbs I have taken for my last tick disease have been #300 a month for the last 3 years. Now I feel back to square one. I did the herbals for this past month and it did not help. For the lyme disease. I was up all night in pain with my joints. I’m kind of at a loss.
      I appreciate what you said about deserving and not deserving. It was such an honest comment and i appreciated it.
      My current worry is that the injections will destroy my gallbladder. So i need to ask about that today

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      • Ooh shit Bethany, that is not a nice experience. Again, I can say ‘I get it’ but that would assume I have understanding of the intensity of the diseases. I’m pretty afraid I can not grasp the depth of it because I have not been there. Wishing you well though. Good luck at the doctors.
        xx, Feeling

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      • I do miss my acupuncturist. She retired but I saw her for 15 years. My best friend paid for my last appointment with the holistic doc and it was $500 for that final visit and I just thought ok this is absurd. I’ve paid now 100,000 dollars in 10 years on medical care and for what! Testing, labs, more testing, more treatments.
        I did want to revisit the homeopathic some. I have added in arnica and calendula in homeopathic form. I’m just so overwhelmed with it all. Thanks for listening to my saga going on here

        Liked by 1 person

      • Listening is the least one can do. And shit: that is a LOT of money. 😦 My mother spent thousands of euro’s on her Ayurvedic doctor but it bought her 6 years of good living when she was promised an absolute maximum 2 of in missery by the regular chemo and radiation doctors. When it works, it is ok, when it does not and it costs… that is effing frustrating. Obviously you never know how you would have been without it but still… grrrrr…
        Wishing you well.
        xx, Feeling

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      • Well thank heavens your mom got that kind of relief. That is excellent! My friend that helped pay for my last treatment at the holistic doctor used money donated to her gofund me for her cancer treatment. After doing chemo and it not working she did the holistic treatment and traveled even to Mexico to a specialized clinic there. We had her longer than we thought but still lost her too soon. It will always be too soon for me as I miss her every day.
        It’s true. So many don’t appreciate what they have. I am grateful for each little thing that I can even walk at all still is a miracle. I have lots of little miracles that I am very appreciative of. I just miss the feeling of being happy and content and peace and hope. Hoping that comes back

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I have the ptsd plus many chronic illnesses too. I’ve had to use a wheelchair for ten years now but I have battled chronic illness since I was 3. Every medical appointment brings more crap I don’t want. I often feel like I could handle one or the other. But being physically ill and disabled PLUS the PTSD is just too much. I understand fwiw. 🌻

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    • Thank you for understanding. Although I would not wish this on anyone for understanding. I am so sorry you are going through so much. I almost didn’t even go yesterday but I did. I’m very tired of it all. Woke up after just 3 hours of sleep thinking I really dont know how I will do 30 injections when I could barely sleep due to the ache of just the one. I guess I will see what happens

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m feeling so much emotion reading this. I can fully understand why you feel as bleak as you do. You bear a lot of pain and you carry that burden- day in day out- you are also great at searching for silver linings and feeling gratitude for little moments of joy. Right now you feel joyless-I hear that. Life can be epically uncomfortable. But there is something magical about you. You add something special to the world. I can draw something for you if you like? Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Magical. What a sweet word to say to me to describe about me. I appreciate that and you. Thank you. And thank you for offering to draw something for me. You could draw it and post it for me. I don’t know if I could pay for it right now. I’m trying to save or decide how or what to do for a disabled vehicle or a lift for my scooter or something because yesterday I drove myself to the doctor but had no way to get my scooter there. So then I was up all night last night in pain from walking and the shot and all of that. I’m a bit of a mess but i appreciate your kind words. Thank you

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  9. I am so sorry that you are having more trials to get through. I don’t cry easily, but my eyes are teary thinking about you going through more suffering physically and mentally. I share this in the hope that knowing that others care greatly about you may help with the anguish you feel. Life is not fair, and often clearly sucks. I still pray, although I am in doubt about there being a God, and will keep you in my prayers today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t cry easily either but knowing other’s suffering does get to me. I see you have that same kind of heart. I do feel anguish. I’ve had a hard time with prayer lately myself but I am trying. Thank you for trying for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ahhh Bethany, my heart and my soul go out to you in your pain and anguish xxx
    It’s easy for me to say ‘be well’ and ‘blessings to you’ but in the cold light of day they are pretty meaningless compared to the suffering you have.
    If I could give anything to you at all it would be my hope. My hope for a better outcome to your pain and suffering, my hope for you to experience even a day of wellness, my hope that you will begin to feel your own hope returning…
    You deserve reprieve, you deserve wellness and you deserve HOPE !
    Much love, blessings and HOPE to you my friend xxx

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  11. Hi Bethany, so sorry you are unwell and not surprisingly feeling very low. Sending you love and good wishes that this current crisis will soon pass. I agree with the previous commenter- you are a very special, talented person who is currently overwhelmed. Well done for reaching out, I hope you find some hope in all our collective good wishes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  12. Oh gosh Bethany. This must be so overwhelming. I can only imagine what you are going through not only physically but emotionally too.

    I do send hope your way. I also will pray.

    I hate what you have been living with all these years. So much loss you have suffered and it isn’t right. I’m so sorry.

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    • Thanks!
      After I wrote that post I made some changes. I stopped most treatments I had been doing that were not working and just decided to see where I was led next. I still have the doctor in north carolina doing the dna testing for the muscle disease but otherwise I am tired of doctor after doctor not knowing. It is more of the getting my hopes up then being let down and i just can’t do that rollercoaster anymore

      Liked by 2 people

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