SoCS: Reservation

I always saw myself as a weak and voiceless victim. Looking back today I saw absolutely no reservations in speaking the truth. In a restaurant I saw the wife of the man who abused me: I confronted her. Told her the truth. I graffitied the waterski jump on our lake with the truth warning other parents and children. I sent a letter to the abuser, dropped it off at his house. I used all the words I knew how to use without any reservation. Here is the problem…I needed one more person with no reservations.

The scenario was this: We lived on Lily lake. Many residents of Lily lake skied on the Gatorland ski team. Every single weekend we all practiced for our ski shows and competitions either at Billy Bank’s house AKA child molester, or the Winkler’s house. After the word got out I was being abused by Billy Banks through my own words, my mother’s words, and my spray painting the ski jump, everyone knew. Each person had a choice. My parents chose to let my brother keep skiing with the team. Each person that knew on that team chose to go on like nothing happened. Had ONE person said, “Lets have a meeting and keep this ski team going but kick Billy Banks out.” Problem solved! Had my parents said, “ We want our son to be able to keep skiing and INFACT our daughter to keep skiing too so they CAN if you kick Billy Banks out.” Problem solved. How hard would that have been to do? You’ve got a man and his family booted out of the ski team and the ski team resumes all activity with an abused girl still able to ski, her family not affected any more negatively than it has been by the abuse. INSTEAD, each person made a choice. They chose to pretend like nothing happened to me. That choice to go on living as if nothing happened to me destroyed an innocent life! Pushed me to suicidal attempts, mental hospital stay, quitting highschool, and living in my car JUST to avoid watching that lake go on like nothing happened to me. I was broken in a thousand ways NOT only because of the abuser but because of everyone else.

My own family, mother, father, brothers, etc, STILL think I blamed them for what happened to me and that that is my purpose here. To cast blame. They blame me for wanting accountability, validation, and the right to FEEL. They don’t get it that seeing my brother a few weeks ago on that ski team’s facebook page tore out my heart. After 30 years none of them get it! If I could go back to that lake right now and jump in the water that gave me the only solace I felt during those times, I would. I understand the draw people have to those waters. I write my blog to show how the actions of one or many can affect an abused child’s life forever. What happens with inaction.

I do not understand their lack of reservations skiing with a child molester.

I will never understand their lack of reservations. Ever.

This was written as Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday: https://lindaghill.com/2018/06/15/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-16-18/

18 thoughts on “SoCS: Reservation

  1. Dear Bethany
    Those were their choices- you made your own bold and honest choices. If you ask me to choose, I would choose you.
    I am sure the people who did not support you are spending sleepless nights with weights on their consciences. You cannot account for other people’s choices.
    Susie

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t understand it either. How do all those people just turn around and ignore that???
    It’s just disgusting.

    But yeah, you weren’t voiceless. You did speak up. They just decided it was in their ‘best interest’ to ignore and deny. I’m so sorry no one chose you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s so powerful for me that you had found your voice like that. I remained silent for fear of my brother’s threats that he would kill me if I told anyone. That forced silence made me feel even more like a victim. I didn’t find my voice until I was in my late forties. I’m so proud of you for speaking your truth. It sucks that they all let you down like that. They were cowards. You were brave beyond measure. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

    • I have always felt voiceless. I thought, just until now in my late 40’s that I never had a voice because the PTSD often made me silent but just now am remembering that in some moments I did actually TRY to have a voice.
      It does make a person feel more like a victim. I was threatened too and he was right when he said no one would do anything or believe me. They didn’t. It’s taken me until now to finally say all of the truth of my life. But you know just reading what you have written…you have spoken. You have said the truth. It takes us a long time to come forward and speak of these horrific things. They were cowards. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This was a horrific thing to happen to you. Sadly, those people-family and friends-are just people. They make choices like every other person. I amazed daily by how little backbone people have and how seldom so many choose to do right by someone rather than playing it safe for themselves. It hurts worse when those people are supposed to be the ones who are your support system. The truth is we belong to the family humanity, and so often the greatest kindness, acceptance and kinship comes from those people who are outside of our close circles and family ties. Love that lifts you up is always the best kind of love, whatever the source. I hope you keep on being the miracle you seek. It makes you far more complete than any of them. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can relate. Family can truly be jackasses sometimes. If you are up for it, take a fencing class or a physical outlet class that will help get out all that anger. It can help. Wishing you many blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If I didn’t have a muscle disease I certainly would. That would be so awesome.
      The challenge for me to overcome HAS been to find ways to be calm when not able to use the physical body. It is why I took up photography and mindfulness

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.