Dark poetry

That white line that never did fade

It’s numb, the line

But underneath is pain every single day.

I was sitting on the deck

Staring mindlessly at my leg

And a fly landed right on that spot

I watched

His feet I could feel them crawl

Around

And then

Up and down that white line!

I couldn’t feel him when I closed my eyes

The nerves were all cut and damaged

I knew it when I first took off the bandage.

But that fly

It bothered me how long he inspected my leg

It was as if he were sure I was dead

The pain ran deep today

Did he know something I did not?

Did he think I was just left there to rot?

I finally shooed him off.

“We need to cut open your strong leg,”

The arrogant Doctor

That Master

Said.

“Whatever you say? Whatever you think is best!”

As I bowed my subservient head.

I didn’t know.

Neither did she.

That it would never heal.

Yet I chose to believe

As before her I did kneel.

She didn’t believe my symptoms at all

She did the biopsy ONLY to prove I was wrong.

Their were no apologies with the bad news.

Their were no follow ups

Just the stamp “Bill now due.”

I got a lovely photo

Of my dying muscle tissue

After 12 years no Doctor can tell me

The real cause

The real issue

I mean all along they claimed I was

“Stressed” or “Depressed” as they handed me a tissue.

And

Turns out

All those things became true

When they destroyed my leg

Like a lab rat

They stuck me in a cage

Sent me on my way

So I sat here today

Watching the fly on my leg

Wondering

What my life could have been instead

Without “you’re a mystery diagnosis”

Rumbling around my head

Oh the regret

My only regret

The fly knows

I’ve become The Walking Dead.

14 thoughts on “Dark poetry

  1. Big hugs sister. Our body feels like a cruel prison. I’m sorry for your pain and the lack of answers and options. The desperate search continues. I’m hoping to write about a promising experience I had recently. Just have to digest it first. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t click “like” when I’m having an empathetic moment because I don’t like that. Pain may help mold character but it is not likeable. I won’t go into the details of my mom’s amputation, ultimately leading to her death, the hell before and after, or the neglect by others which led to it. The experience with her makes me empathize with you even more so here. I will say whatever it was exactly that happened to your leg, is part of what’s helped you tap into a part of your soul that is appreciable by others. You have a gift in making others ‘feel’ with very few words.

    Like

    • Ugh I have refollowed your blog I swear 5 times this week and FREAKING WORDPRESS!!!!! I go back and it is unfollowed. And SOO I followed you yet again!!!!
      Thank you for your empathy. For your kind empathetic comment. I am so so very sorry for what your mom went through.
      As for my leg. They took out some muscle for a biopsy but said that they could not use anesthesia because any medication would affect the tissue. Everyone I have ever spoken to has said that is not true. Even the pathologist and doctors and scientists that have studied the biopsy.
      So they cut into my leg while I was wide awake and watched the entire thing. Pretty horrifying. I was strapped down. And other people holding me down. But my head was up and saw the inside of my leg. At first I was fascinated by the layers but the pain. It was too much. Anyway, they said it would heal up and I could run and drive and resume all activity the day after. Done by a doctor who didnt believe anythign was wrong with me in the first place. So my leg never healed. It atrophied and got weaker and then my weak leg had to start supporting me which caused even more pain. I have adapted. But the struggle has been long and hard and with no real answers that have given me and direction to heal. My blood is now being studied so my leg being hacked into could have been totally avoidable. I had this one moment right before they cut where I wanted to say no. I felt I should say no. So like I said here. My only regret.

      Like

      • I received an email stating you followed me. Thought about giving you crap ever-so-sweetly about it ( it can happen : ) Like, “Bethany, buddy, did you hit a wrong button?” or “Look, I get gabby textly now & then, I’M SOORRYY!”
        Thank you, about my Mom, I fought battles regarding her care in 2 of 3 rehabilitation centers, 2 of which were also nursig homes. Maybe if I’d fought harder for her she’d be here. Should’ve followed my gut instead of the professionals words, not dismissing what they dismissed. Hindsight’s a b**ch. I watched my thigh layers open up when I um, sliced it on a t.v. It was cool! The fat I saw wasn’t. Needed stitches, didn’t go to hospital.
        It saddens me that you went through that & still are suffering from it. Why can’t they try everything possible such as blood analyzing before cutting into people? Surgery should be the last resort, not a default. I’m sure you’ve looked into everything Hollistic & not: accupuncture, massage, lymphatic enhancement technology & so forth…

        Like

      • It took me over 3 hours one night to get to all my followers and click refollow each one. Then when I was finished it had unfollowed each one again. So I’ve waited now for each person to comment or like something and then gone to their page and followed them back individually and that seems to be working SO FAR.
        I worked in nursing homes for 8 years and the care they got was crap. The doctors they had were crap. It was extremely frustrating to see such dignity and basic care stripped from human beings.
        It’s why I stayed so long trying to help them.
        Hindsight really does suck. I”m so sorry your mom sufferered. We can only do so much though. You tried!
        Yep i did all the natural shit long before the western meds and then after. Still do to no avail.

        Like

      • I don’t know if wordpress live chat could help. that stinks.
        I know you improved lives of people there by being around.
        There’s supposed to be a cure in nature for all things, I wish I/you could find it. I read of many healing properties of castor oil packs, but I’ve no personal proof

        Like

      • The healing would be nature. I am sure if i lived on an island with a group of loving kind people and we lived off the organic land and drank pure water from a stream maybe i’d be a tiny netter in some areas.
        But i have paid nutritionist herbalist homeopathic holistic acupuncture osteopathy massage chinese herbalist….ive tried it all from magnets to cupping to juicing to vegan all organic . Everything….still not well. Now…photography helps!

        Like

      • WordPress chat restored my old settings whatever that means!!!!! They do it once a year when my blog gets highjacked assuming i know the date it happened which i never do aand they restore the day before that date all my followers and folllowing-ers

        Like

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