I said I wouldn’t look at my stats…then I looked at my stats

My blog…I try to focus on the purpose of my blog. Coping with PTSD, the ways I cope, sharing my coping, sharing my crashes, sharing my ups, sharing my life in hopes it connects to other’s lives.

Getting out of my own head and the same rolling around thoughts that send me into a tailspin is key. That is not always easy to do. I try distraction. I try mindfulness. I try prayer. I try breathing! I try photography. I try outings.

Yesterday on the way to take photos with my husband I tried to NOT let the focus be ” Will strong smells be there. Will their be people with strong perfume. Will the new mats in the car make me paranoid of wheezing and cause a chain reaction.” I was mostly successful. Right now, as excited as I am to see my husband, he is bringing home his newly refurbished bike. Will that bike kill me due to my chemical sensitivities. Will it get smells on him that will get in the house so that I have to then clean with my leg and shoulder that hurts like a BITCH today because of this stupid muscle disease? It’s like, PTSD is bad but the fear of a PTSD moment is sometimes worse for me as it is this ongoing anxiety that is never ending. I go there and then I go down down down. I get angry at those who caused it. I get angry at those who supported those who caused it (the PTSD). I think about my family that I no longer have. I feel just straight up in despair.

I was actually sitting here in my bed after a sleepless night due to muscle pain thinking ” My husband needs a different wife. He deserves to have a wife that he doesn’t have to DEAL with. All of my ISSUES.” If you ask him he would say he cherishes me and that I have all of these other good qualities and he never thinks of me as a burden. But I wish better for him.Self pity. Never good. I was thinking all of this when a hawk flew up outside my window. So I got my camera and left my bed only to realize my tremor and shoulder were not up for photography. Which made me angry. But then that hawk. He was so beautiful perched on the tree. So beautiful. His mother or father or sibling was calling him from across the yard. I could only take a few pictures but wow. He was breathtaking. I came to upload him onto my account here. I don’t look at my stats because I don’t want my blog to be about stats. I don’t want it to be about views or likes. That is too facebooky to me. But then I actually looked at them. I didn’t know you could see month to month. And APPARENTLY I used to get 6000 views a month of my blog. Now I barely get 3,000 views. I guess that is better than no views. Yet, somehow I feel like I’m just not good enough. More self pity I know but it’s true. I don’t know what about my life USED to be interesting to follow that now isn’t. I mean 3000 people aren’t just on vacation. I just hope somehow to someone I am making some sort of difference baring my soul on here. I really really do. Here is my sweet hawk friend:

72 thoughts on “I said I wouldn’t look at my stats…then I looked at my stats

  1. I’m a big fan of your blog, but mainly for the posts where you bare your soul and make yourself vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to say anything rude to you or your husband but in these kinds of posts I feel like I get a glimpse of what your husband must see in you. It’s something really quite powerful and beautiful and exciting. I think you are both lucky to have each other. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy your pictures and stories about your daily activities too, but it’s that other stuff that makes your blog something truly amazing. I hope that’s helpful. If not, please just disregard it. ☺️

    Liked by 2 people

    • When I bare my soul I barely get any feedback so I started steering away from that thinking why am I doing this if it is making me feel vulnerable and then I start to doubt myself.
      But I really really appreciate the feedback.
      I’ve been pretty hard on myself lately for the PTSD and the anxiety and hesitant to share the ins and outs for fear of judgment. Which is crazy I know because I’ve never gotten judgment here. I just feel I suppose alone in this and so I’m holding back a little.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Another thought is your stats change as you change how often you like or comment on other blogs. I also get spikes in traffic from facebook even though I am not on facebook which varies. Hugs

    Liked by 4 people

    • When I posted my blog on facebook and had tons of “friends” on facebook is when I think I had my highest views but I feel like those were just those people gossiping and not really reading it to be a part of my life but more to talk about my life to others. So as soon as I axed all the friends on facebook then most of my numbers dropped. So maybe now I am just getting the real people who actually care. Which is good. I just want to make sure I’m contributing something I suppose.

      Liked by 4 people

  3. My views thus month are more than half less than tge two months prior. That would usually bother me but I am over looking at stats because I belong to a wonderful, supportive community.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I cut my nails completely off today so my thumbs are hitting the keys next to the key I want. Lol. I also want to let you know I enjoy your photographs immensely. WordPress is the only platform I use to promote my blog. It is connected to Google + and Tumblr but I only post here.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I, too am more engaged when you share your heart. I just thought you may have needed a break from doing that and that’s where the photography comes in.

    I do know that many may read and even thought they comment, they are still there.

    Take care of yourself

    Liked by 1 person

    • My heart feels too broken to share these days. So I share my coping photos instead to show that I am still trying even though I feel quite broken. But thank you so much for the feedback. It is good to know I am accepted the way that I am in all states

      Liked by 2 people

      • Without sharing too much or more than you’d like, vulnerability usually makes for the best writing. It’s such a great form of therapy and you’re in control, you can share as little or not as you’d like. I understand, I’m going through some health issues that do the opposite, they keep me away from the keyboard, but if I’d open up, I’d see that there’s a lot more people than I think that can relate to what I’m going through. You’re truly never alone in your pain – someone has gone through or is going through something very similar. And you might just be their inspiration.

        Liked by 1 person

      • When you are ready I’d love to read about what you are going through and be a support for you.
        Some of the things I have shared on this blog I had no idea there were others that felt the same, had experienced the same, until I wrote it out. It is amazing what the raw truth can bring a person, often others with similar stories and empathy to go with it

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you, yes you’re right, I’m trying! I will, just trying not to let my fears stop me. So far they are! I’ve read a couple posts of yours already, you’re so transparent, so heartfelt, you definitely wore you heart on your sleeve on those. Bloggers all have unique posts, they’re all nice but the vulnerable ones are always so relatable and touching. Like yours, where you introduce yourself, where you’ve spoken of your journey, your highs and lows, I appreciate those the most.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I will keep trying to be transparent in my writing.

        So the chiari. Have you had surgery?

        I was diagnosed then undiagnosed with chiari malformation. Apparetnly one scan had my brain 7mm below where it should be which would explain my seizures and pressure and headache and then years later another scan didn’t show that at all. My daughter has a friend that just had a shunt put in so I wanted to know, if you want to talk about it, does it give you a lot of symptoms ?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, I have a few posts on that. The whole idea and drive on creating a blog was/is to bring awareness to Chiari, however, it’s becoming so difficult to do. I live with chronic pain, have depression and anxiety. The mere thought of Chiari is at times so overwhelming. Thank goodness Chiari isn’t a part of your journey. I had decompression in 2013 – also diagnosed with Syringomyelia. It was until November 2017 that I had Laminectomy and had a shunt placed.

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      • Oh crap I did read about that on your blog and totally forgot until you just mentioned it! Now i remember. Im so sorry my memory is so bad these last 6 months. If i read at night i forget it in the morning but if i read in the morning it seems to stick.
        Im glad you started your blog and are raising awareness.
        I will go back and reread some of your posts. Sometimes when i do i will see a commment i dont re,ember even making.
        Im terribly sorry you live in chronic pain

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have often mentioned your blog when I go into counseling. Your strong voice gives me something to shoot for for myself. You are making a difference. I also talk about your pictures and your innate and beautiful ability to find something good in the day. I am so glad I found your blog….has it been years so far because it feels like 2 years ago, maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Really?! Oh! Well shoot. Thank you. I’ve had my blog for 3 years and I usually have 6000 views a month so all of a suddden the last few months nothing and this month 2000 views so I thought well I am failing whoever was reading for some reason.
      The point wasn’t as much about the views as I wanted to make a difference and that is a huge decline so I thought I must be doing something wrong

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh wow! No I’m no where near the three year blogging mark. I just recently started. But wow! I can see why you would be seeing the numbers. I feel like you and I just started blogging, I think it’s about putting out there what’s near and dear and the views will come. You’re not failing, you’re still making a difference none the less. Think about how you were when you first started, what drove you, where did you gather all that passion for writing in the beginning and then try to gather all that emotion time and time again. I have an extremely hard time not looking at the numbers, by at the end of the day, it’s as you said, it’s about making a difference, not the stats. 😊🙏🏽

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Stats don’t measure a person’s self-worth, but it’s hard not to believe that and not let it get to us, especially when you’ve been so heavily traumatized. I actually had to take off the likes/dislikes and subscriber count off my YouTube channel just so I don’t spiral downwards into that mind-state of feeling worthless whenever I see those numbers. Even if you logically know that the value you hold isn’t determined by the quantity of people who enjoy your work, your trauma brain is going to tell you otherwise until you can heal through that. It’s just the way it is, and it takes a lot of patience with ourselves and self-care. I try to remember all the messages I’ve gotten from people who have said that I’ve changed their lives, and sometimes that helps to remind me that I am making a difference. I’d actually rather have people looking at my content that actually get something out of it, and are really impacted by it in a positive way than people who don’t actually appreciate it. Sometimes less is actually more.

    Liked by 2 people

    • What a beautiful point!
      It really is the trauma that makes those numbers affect self worth when just like you said it is really those kind messages along the way that have really mattered.
      I’d rather not get the like part and have the knowledge that someone read what I had to say. If someone likes it 2 sec after I post it I think well ok that took me an hour to write how could you like it in 2 seconds. I’d rather someone take the time and actually read it or skip it all together. Because it is the close bonds on here that really mean something to me

      Liked by 2 people

    • So incredibly important, have patience with ourselves, we can be so tough and be our own worst critic. Love ourselves and quality over quantity – less is more. I tell my young daughter, it’s not the number of friends you have in school, but the qualities in a friend. I tell her that and can’t even do as I preach. Thank you for this, it’s helped!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. You make a difference for me and I love you for that. I love what you share, even when I can’t comment because of my own pain. And I have loved seeing your photos and what you say about them. Please don’t stop! I want to count as 3000 all by myself!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am so so sorry for the pain you are going through. It. Means so much to know you are reading my blog even though you can’t comment because of your own circumstances. I try to not be too overwhelming with my own life and that’s why I post my photos because they are part of me and my passion for finding beauty in this big mess.
      You matter to me. Very much. Thank you so much foryour comment

      Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I meant to tell you. I can’t comment on your blog. It says their has been an unexpected error in loading comments and then I can’t comment but I wanted to tell you that that article you wrote about how you use your art was SOOOOO incredible. It is profound the work you do in art and how that can symbolize so much more than I could say in words. Just your drawing sums up often how I feel.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I really did. And your other blog posts too.
        It’s very very hard to put into words what complex PTSD is. But boy those illustrations sum it up. I’ve tried to create a few photos that explain how it feels inside my brain and put that on the outside but it’s hard to do. I wish so much others understood how truly complex it is. And difficult to navigate.
        Yeah you did a really great job. You are a really good writer

        Liked by 1 person

  8. We write for ourselves. We write to purge, emote, re-evaluate…we write with compulsion. If we worry about our audience, we lose ourselves. (BTW – I have had a blog since 2011 and only just reached 1,000 followers – and never so many views. You rock.)

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    • Yes, you’re right. I’ve never worried about my audience before. I just write to write. I just felt my audience reflected on me not doing something right. It was stupid now I realize. I internalize things when I am having a bad day.
      That’s a lot of followers you have though!!!!
      I think my views came from my old gossipy town and now that I have cut all ties and not linked my blog to any of social media they don’t have quick acccess. So now maybe only people who truly care read it. I can hope. Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Your sharing definitely makes a difference – at least to me. You mentioned being afraid you will experience PTSD symptoms and that makes you anxious. I experience the same anxiety, mostly because I’m afraid if I do get triggered I won’t be able to handle it. As for stats, I decided a while ago not to look at them so much because I would get disappointed. My intention with my blog is to reach out to other trauma survivors and let them know they are not alone in their struggles. I started my blog last November. I have 48 followers. Sometimes when I post something I might get only 10 or so people reading it. I was hoping to reach a lot more people. But, I need to trust that I am reaching the people I am meant to be reaching. If I can help ease one person’s suffering or connect with them in a meaningful way, I have succeeded. It’s not about numbers for me anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. I think I wass having a bad day and I took the numbers to heart and I never have before.
      Thank you also for expressing the PTSD and being able to handle the triggers. That is my issue because I already know lately it seems I can’t handle them at all.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I wanted to say that your photographs are what drew me to your blog. I can see how you use art to cope and that is more helpful to me than a whole lotta discourse. There are a million blogs where people are sharing their process and often it starts to seem like the same thing over and over. I think your blog takes a different perspective and I appreciate that.

    Like

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