You own your body even in your marriage

Tw on language and topic of rape in marriage

A woman I used to know told me long ago that her husband used to come home every day for “lunch” and by lunch he meant sex. She was exhausted and could have taken a nap during that time. She had many children. It’s been over 12 years since I heard that story and to this day it bothers me. I think of him as a rapist. I would never ask her if she told him no. A woman should not have to SAY no. A man should know when a woman with a house full of children is exhausted and not push his needs on her. Still. It disgusts me. A woman does not have to say no. A man KNOWS what he is doing. She would tell me that eventually it would be ok after awhile of sex and she would participate. Eventually. But she would tell me how much she just wanted to take a nap and how tired she was. It made me so so sad for her.

This is how I will start this blog post. A woman should not have to be convinced to have sex with her husband. A woman should not have to be pressured or guilted into having sex with her husband. She is under no obligation to fulfill what he deems his needs. The idea that a woman that did not want to have sex would have a man kissing all over her anyway to try and “get her in the mood”. I mean what IS that?!!! Disgusting. A woman either wants to have sex or she does not. Period. I look at that man still and think of him as the lunch time rapist. If a woman DOES actually say, “ I’m too tired,” or “ I’m not in the mood,” or “ Another day,” the mans only response is, “ OK honey.” So many times that is not the man’s response.

Rape happens in marriages. Every day. I’m guessing in other countries far more than the United States but I am sure it is prevalent everywhere. For some reason when a man marries a woman, some men, then believe that he owns her. She is obligated to have sex with him. They have lots of tricks of coercion and make no mistake coercion is exactly what it is. How could any man that claims to love his wife think that manipulation tactics to get her to have sex with him make it consensual. It repulses me. When sex involves dominance and submission, and when only one party is actually interested in sex that is rape. Unless ofcourse you are one of those SandM kind of people and if so then just get off my blog right now. I have no place in my life for that sick shit. I know that some abuse victims take part in that but I am not one of them nor do I want to hear about it. I don’t believe that a person wants to be beaten, tied up, and raped as part of sex and label that SandM. I’ve lived through that in the past and he knew I wanted no part in it and did it anyway. I was so broken I could not fight or say no so I just layed there and he did what he wanted. I consider that rape as well. I was not willing. I was dead inside. I was not moving on the outside. He knew that yet did it anyway. So if you are stuck in that cycle of sex it has no place here on my blog as I got myself away from that bastard and have no plans to revisit those thoughts again.

I feel as if women think they have lost their right to their own body when they get married. That is why I am writing this. Your body is still yours. If you don’t want to have sex with your husband you don’t have to. You can have sex on your own terms that are agreed upon. If you are a survivor of abuse the last thing you need is to allow your husband to have sex with your dissociated body. It is not healthy or a part of the healing path. AND even if you are having the wonderful sexual experience with your husband ever and all of a sudden something happens to trigger you into a bad place you get to say stop. You get to say no. If your husband knows you, loves you, respects you, you will not have to say a word because he will know that you are nolonger there. I went into my marriage with both of us knowing the consequences of the abuse I had endured. Some people are just realizing this in their marriage. That is ok. There is never a bad time to say NO. And rewrite the rules of engagement.

I’ve heard stories of men who quote the bible, that’s a pretty bad low to get your wife to have sex with you! I’ve heard stories of men threatening to cheat IF…

Listen, your body is yours. It’s yours. You own it. You make the rules for it. Nobody touches it without your consent. A piece of paper does not negate your rights.

I wonder how many men respect their wives on the level that my husband respects me.

I wonder how many men put their wife first and not their own dick.

I wonder how many men want to help their wives heal from abuse and work with them on ways to do that.

I just have a feeling not many.

I would like to say I am fortunate. But why do I have to be fortunate. Shouldn’t all men be like my husband? Why is he so special because his dick doesn’t rule his life, the love he feels for his wife does. What I’m trying to say is there should be no stories where a husband is anything other than what my husband is, a respectful, compassionate, man.

I hate to think of the woman who gets raped for lunch. And who has chosen to accept that. Who is brainwashed enough to think that it is her duty. Who is caught in the cycle. Women can take back their bodies at any point. For me it took knowing I never wanted to feel that way ever again. That feeling. We all know it if we have been abused. I never wanted to feel that way again. When I got married my husband knew that and respects that.

Rape is rape whether it is your uncle, your husband, a stranger, a woman, your spouse, your partner.

I just felt I needed to write a blog to address this. It could be applied to a spouse that is a man or woman, man and man, woman and woman. In my case it is written from a heterosexual point of view but can be applied to any one.

Sex should be consensual mind body and spirit or it should not be happening at all. Period. End of story.

22 thoughts on “You own your body even in your marriage

  1. I really like to read the blogs related to Sex of any kind. This post is really different. I loved your point of view. Yeah, it happens…Even……. Where I live, it also happens there. Like… Sex is not like sex here. It’s just to satisfy the feelings of lust….like…… You can say, The Sex without love.
    Definitely, men should understand their partner and If one is not agreeing then they shouldn’t. It be like a Rape as you say…..If woman doesn’t will.
    I really liked it.
    Keep it up like these kinda posts… 👍👍.
    ❤❤❤

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  2. I grew up in a house like that. As a child I always knew horrible things went on behind that bedroom door. My mother only got to speak about that when I was in my twenties. Which, by the way, I would have preferred her to disclose to a friend rather than her daughter.
    I asked her to get a divorce when I heard, offered her a place to stay. She did not. 😦
    On Sundays my drunk father would lecture us about a woman never being allowed to refuse her husband. When my mother died my father, after 40 years of pushing himself onto her, came ‘clean’ to us, his kids, saying he did it on purpose because he had seen her kissing another man. My mothers version of the story was that the other man suddenly kissed her.
    40 Years times 365 days of revenge sex… You might not be surprised that I am not in contact with my father anymore. Suspecting things were wrong in the sexual area was part of the family structure; that part which never gets spoken about but somehow everybody lives it but nobody (except my mother?) had in their conscious mind what was going on. Hearing my father agreeing to forcing himself on her on purpose was a confirmation of the family tragedy and in that way a ‘relief’ because the darkness which had been hovering over us actually became visible.
    My father has Aspergers syndrome, this comes with a disability to recognise emotions in others or respond to those well. These people can be very forceful. My mother was a formidable woman in daily life but a tiny little bird with broken wings inside. 😦

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    • Oh my this is just heartbreaking and crushing to think she had to endure this. Ugh but to tell you. Why do they do that. My mother used to tell me things not like that but other sexual things that I found completely inappropriate . Tell your friends not your children. Really. Gross!
      I am glad you are not in contact with your father. Their is no excuse to rape someone. And his own wife. Awful. He is not someone that needs to be around you. We need to be surrounded by those who love us unconditionally and respect and value and cherish us. I hope you have that

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think the telling of this goes with the ill, isolated, destructive and dysfunctional family structure we were in. Things like these hardly ever ‘stand alone’ – it takes a whole family to ‘support’ the illness. I found it worked like a shape up or ship out policy. And shipping out is never an option an child can take. 😦 I tried. Ran away twice, did not work. Addiction did. :-(.

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      • I am thinking this automatically taking over the unwritten rules of a clan is a bio-logical system and very smart when things are ok. Only very destructive if things are not. :-(. I think I can safely assume (?) that we both are very sorry we had our own path through this destructive system. 😦
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well said, Bethany. It is so sad that it needs to be said at all. As a man, I cannot understand that it might be pleasurable for a man to have sex with a woman who is not consenting and not participating. Good grief.

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    • Isn’t it horrible. Some of the posts I write, as I write them I think how is this possible that I am writing this and this is happening! But it does and these women who are silent and enduring shouldn’t have to be alone which is why I continue to write on the hard topics. Thanks for reading John.
      Seems most people these days are too busy debating over political topics (where honestly I don’t see anyone doing anything other than flapping their jaw) when this topic, while being hard to talk about, can bring awareness and change by helping women know they are not alone. Just my opinion here. Alittle frustrated with social media these days and people that just like to argue instead of trying to make changes.
      Ok thank you for your comment sorry for getting off on a tangent there

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      • Bethany, as far as I’m concerned you are entitled to rant on anything you wish! I am a political junkie from Canada who is very concerned about the upcoming November elections. However, your point about truly urgent and important topics is well taken. I’ve learned a lot from you and your posts and I’m grateful that I understand these hard issues better than I did before. Thank you, dear lady! Hugs!

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      • No offense to politics and those involved. There are very important topics at hand. I just see arguing and bickering online and I see no purpose in that. I think their is a purpose in educating on the topics and I know you are a great educator.
        In the US boy do we have a LOT going on the political front. But everyone is acting like a 3 year old who just got their candy taken away. No one is civilized

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