A really bad no good day

The weather radar said no rain. The map showed no rain. I waited until the storm passed and the sun was shining when I left in my electric wheelchair and my camera bag. I brought an umbrella just in case but they sky was clear.

I go out every day to find something good. I thought I’d find raindrops. I drove my chair to the prairie and the road was closed because of flooding. All of the houses had backyards full of water. I turned to come home and it started to pour rain. POUR. My wheelchair wheel started shaking and would not stop. I think it was the wet roads and the fact that I paid $400 for new tires didn’t matter as the front tire was warped (yeah the manufacturer forgets a human will need these). I was only a mile from home. But that is 30 minutes by wheelchair that moves fast. I was inching along and the rain was blowing sideways. I opened my umbrella and realized my arm was too weak to hold it properly. I rested it on my head and tried to hold it while steering my squirrelly shaking chair. I was trying to avoid the dog poop people left in the road from their dogs and swerve around the puddles. Cars flew past me. No one slowed down. I got splashed with oil puddles. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to just start crying right there. My phone wasn’t connecting. I couldn’t call anyone. I was looking for an open garage and they were all closed!!!!!

I tried to cover my camera with a towel and bag but my electronics of my wheelchair were getting wet. I finally made it home and barreled in the front door. No one in the house even knew it was raining outside. Head phones. Fucking headphones.

Do you know what happens with soaking wet wheelchairs with dog shit and oil all over the tires? They have to be driven into the house! So i tried to wipe it off with my half dead arms and then drove it into a room and turned on the dehumidifier to try to dry out all of the electrical components of my camera and chair. I tried to crawl down the hallway to wipe up the oil streaks. But gave up and showered to try and relax the muscles that were burning in my shoulders.

As I was in my wheelchair today I kept thinking about my daughter’s suffering. I kept thinking about my suffering. Then I went through the lives of people that I have gladly been there for. I have rushed to the side of countless people in their time of need. Over and over and over again. I am a virtual dumping ground. I’ve let it happen. I want to help people. I had had a dream last night about my brother living in his facade life with his fancy restaurants and fancy cars. I thought about EVERYBODY in their fancy houses and living their fancy lives with their fancy cars that in the end call on me. Nomatter the time of day or night. I am always there. For everyone.

Yet, I drive 30 minutes in a wheelchair in the pouring rain while people splash me with mud puddles. Then go home and post their selfie showing the life they want everyone to believe they are living but not the real lives that they are crying to me about at 3 am.

There is a power in the truth that those not living it don’t know. It sucked being cold and wet and having my muscles screaming and wanting to scream my self. And that my friends is reality. Sometimes we are all alone in the pouring rain and we aren’t dancing in it because our fucking wheelchair has malfunctioned and we are stuck in a puddle with cars whizzing by!!!!!!

At least I am not living a lie…my truth is hard to hear. People don’t want to hear it. They never have. I can go to my grave knowing that I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for my daughter. I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for people in my life to feel loved and validated. I can go to my grave with no regrets. None.

Stay tuned….my truth will go on. I will never give in to what society wants from us. To have long flowing hair and spinning in dresses while laughing in the sun denying who we really are and want to be. Pretending that child molesters aren’t living next door and that our families are shaking their hands in front of others to save face and sacrifice their daughters.

Today was not a good day. Yesterday was not a good day. But it was real. I will never stop being real for those who cannot live with it. I’d rather be soaking wet with mud and have dog shit on my wheelchair and crawl down my hall all alone than live the life that those are living who have betrayed me. Every fucking day of the week.

I’ll be giving God a high five one day. Up high. Down low. Pretty sure most people who have crossed my path cannot say the same.

24 thoughts on “A really bad no good day

  1. Yes it’s true. I’m likely not going to heaven.
    Damn, I’m so sorry about your shitty day. I’m really sorry that that sounds so trite to say that. It pisses me off that no one at least slowed down. Jesus. I had an old guy the other day go around a parked car on the other side of the road, but then looked like he was in my lane. It was a back road and he was driving like he was on I95. People are so inconsiderate and even ruthless to be honest, when they are behind the wheel.

    That’s insane. Getting caught in a torrential down pour is one of the worst things.

    That also must’ve been absolutely horrible thinking your daughter was dead. I’m so glad she’s not. I also hope that your wheel chair and camera survive.

    Like

    • Why on earth are you not going to heaven? This is not about you friend. Please don’t say things like that. Absolutely not true.
      My wheelchair and camera are being dehumidifier. Thankfully I have a dehumidifier (florida it is necessary). People are inconsiderate and I’m so tired of it.
      Many days this week I have stayed up listening to friends late in the night and I just felt very alone today that’s for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m really sorry you are feeling so alone. I understand that feeling quite well.

        I’m sorry about that first comment. That I’m not going to heaven. Actually it was a very slight attempt at some humor mixed with a little bit of seriousness. Just because I think I’ve been not such a great person. But I’m defnitely sorry for the wrongs I’ve done. That’s for sure.

        I guess I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated though if there is such a thing. But to a really loving and nurturing couple. But I don’t really believe in reincarnation so…

        I didn’t think your post was about me. Even though you were definitely there for me last night. So I want to thank you for that. Thank you. I appreciate you and your support very much.

        Liked by 1 person

      • But you are such a good friend to me. So I see you completely different. I don’t see any faults although I know that we all have things we wish we could change but you are a good person.
        My husband always says he wants to be reincarnated as one of my dogs because I love them more than anything and they have such a wonderful life.
        I’m glad I could be there. But no my post had nothing to do with you. Just in general the friends I have in my life that have not helped or contributed when I am in dire need but will use up all the strength I have left if they need me day or night without a care. Just , I’m tired

        Liked by 1 person

      • That one way relationship shit is not right. Not saying to count (obviously I know you know that) but yeah, it’s nice to receive the care and kindness you give too. I’m with you there and a real friend would just do that for you anyway, but even more so when you’ve been there for them.

        And faults, of course I have faults. I’m as human as the next guy/girl. I am definitely not perfect.

        Funny your husband wants to come back as one of your dogs. I used to say I want to come back as a well cared for cat when I still lived at home with my parents because our cats were always well cared for.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I “liked” this post because I like you and I like your writing so much. I especially like that you are REAL. I especially like how much you CARE.

    But I don’t like your really bad no good days, two of them in a row. Those people flying by in their cars, splashing you in your scooter. Oooh… And lying in bed for two hours yesterday, wondering if your daughter is dead, afraid to go see, paralyzed with the worst kind of fear…yes, I have had that happen, too. Not for two whole hours, but for several long heart stopping moments. Thinking that a child of mine is dead and being rendered completely paralyzed by the thought, unable to move toward my child, unwilling to KNOW. If I had thought that my child was injured but still alive and I could possibly save him, then I would run, I would move heaven and earth, to get to my child. But thinking that it was already too late, I could not move.

    I am so, so sorry about your bad no good days.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand this Bethany. It is very painful being this way. It has made me keep a distance from everyone I know. Insight is like a knife through the heart, yet here we are still helping others. This is a part of what makes us different from everyone else. No matter what the cause is. You should just know that you are not alone. I understand this pain and these hardships you face. You are not alone my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a huge pity party and then slept a very long time and then got up the next day and moved on! Took some photos in my yard and then today we went out and ran into the wild horses and that is always just magical. But yep, that day was just a very bad day. My wheelchair has finally dried out and still works thankfully and thankfully i have a scooter i can use while it was in the dry out rehab room

      Liked by 1 person

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