The mystery noise

Every night we sit outside and listen to the owl and watch the sunset. Every night we hear this NOISE! We’ve all ventured a guess as to what it was. Last night the owl flew right above us and I hadn’t even known she was there. I thought maybe then it was her. Then a raccoon literally sauntered by with a look over the shoulder of “ugh humans” and I hear the noise again. So this morning I went out to have my walk around the yard and look at any new bloomers and I hear the noise in the day. I was taking a photo of the fact that our house is literally in a bubble of trees.

I was on my way to take a picture of this rose, who barely blooms, but when she does she is magnificent!!!! Then checked on the newly planted birthday flowers.

Then I hear it and I see it IS a bird. I said ” oh please little bird sit there long enough for me to find the video on my camera” and she/he did. I got a few seconds of the mystery sound that will nolonger be a mystery. Then a very blurry picture of the mystery bird. But now I know!!! I’m not a fan of mystery. I like facts. And now I have them. Yay!

For Cee’s flower of the day

I get to look out my window and just see this field of wildflowers every day! I finally went out to get a more close up to see this beauty. I’ve stayed away since the fox is down there but interestingly a crow chased the fox off, never seen this before, and after the fox ran away I ventured outside my fence to take a few pictures.

I met a dragonfly, saved a bee, and saw some deer…the little things

I met a dragonfly today. I thought she was stuck in the screen. She wasn’t. She was just looking at me through the screen. So I went outside to look at her and she flew over to my chair and then landed on a wall outside. I put my hand down to her and she put her little hands all over my finger. It was really really neat. I wish everyone was that gentle and made me feel that special. Here is a picture of her. She flew away right after that and I felt completely blessed in that moment.

We will just pretend that dirty wall is not there!

Next I rescued a tree frog that had gotten inside the house. They are NOT easy to rescue. I could not get a picture of him. What I loved about him is that as soon as I got him on my hand he didn’t want to get off. I kept trying to put him on a plant and he would turn his back on the plant and look and me and tuck his little arms under him as if to say ” Not ready yet. Just gonna stay here a few more minutes.” I love that about tree frogs. They really take a moment to take in the moment!

When I used to do wildlife rehab I often experienced the same thing. Before letting a bird fly away or a squirrel, or a bunny, they would sit for just that moment. I always felt it was a moment of hope for them and for me as well as a moment to just feel gratitude FOR that moment.

Anyway…

Then I went back inside to find a bee trapped in a spider web. He was a frantic bee. I tried to figure out how to get him out of the web with this elaborate idea of a measuring cup and a papertowel. All without being stung. I rescued that little sucker and when I took him outside and took the papertowel off and watched him fly away I felt such joy. I smiled! I think it was the first time I had smiled in a long time. A genuine deep in my heart happy feeling that he was able to fly away. Sorry to the spider who missed his meal but with my door leaving open ways he will have something else that I won’t need to witness.

I then went out to the prairie and since I had not seen the deer in months it seemed I was so shocked to see them. I just sat and watched them. I love to watch them. The look up then eat then jerk their heads up then eat then flick their tails then eat. I took this picture of them while in the car.

These were my little joys of the day and I hope the pictures bring a little joy to anyone reading. Something that I really like about myself is that I love the smallest of things. I notice people often write about what they want to change about themselves or don’t like. I have many things that I really like about myself. My joy in setting a bee free, holding a dragonfly for a moment, and capturing a photo of some deer are just a few things that I actually love about who I am. Sometimes it is the smallest of things that end up being the biggest moments in my day, the most memorable, the most uplifting, and the most important.

Kindness part 2

Unless you read part 1 the references to the pictures won’t make sense…

The first pictures are of the butterfly that stayed with me for an hour. As you can see she looks black and white but in the last picture you can see the blue on her came out. I like how you can see my shadow taking her picture in the last one.

Here are some pictures I took with the butterfly on my finger

Here is the injured but able to fly beautiful blue butterfly

Here is the butterfly I didn’t even see that was right next to my scooter that the little girl pointed out. It then flew up to a piece of wood railing and the shadow the butterfly was a heart, and it wasn’t until I got home that I saw on the wood was an upside down heart.

And after I left the butterflies I was able to meet these wonderful birds and see these beautiful lilies

Here is the enclosure for the butterfly rainforest. I part of me still wants to slit a hole in the top and let everything fly away. I guess that is the part of me that wants freedom from the confines of my body and my own mind that I have not been set free from. Or maybe I just don’t like things in cages…like I said before, not everyone is like me, and I know that.

Kindness part 1

So many want their outsides to look like their insides feel. On the inside they feel young and vibrant. They want to match that with fillers, injections, botox, implants, liposuction, etc. Some people don’t feel good on the inside so they want the outside to balance that or counteract that and offset the misery on the inside. I’ve met many who have tried to alter their outside to affect their inside.

As we grow older we wish our bodies could do what we did when we were younger. We are wiser and more adventurous and more mindful. We want to use that wisdom to explore all possibilities with a body that may not cooperate. My body is not cooperating. I’ve had to find ways to accept my outer self while trying to enlighten and heal my inner self.

I have known many who have focused on changing the outside without also working on the inside at the same time. I understand wanting to change the outside to some extent. Especially if that means redefining what someone else forced or labeled. I believe it is more important to evolve on the inside. To do that you have to have self awareness. We don’t always want to be self aware. To do that we have to feel. Not all of those feelings are pleasant. Some are excruciating. And some self awareness only takes us down a path of resistance and numbing the pain that was never faced.

I believe in balance. I hope to achieve balance. For me, things need to be slow and slower and slowest.

I watch people. I watch where they obtain their power, their strength, their self esteem, their self worth.

There was such a stark contrast yesterday with an experience I had. A little girl and a man. I wanted to sit this man down and explain to him that he was going about life the wrong way! And my way is not the only way or even the best way but his way was definitely not leading to any sort of evolving or enlightenment. Here is my experience with the little girl and the man.

I went to the butterfly rainforest that was created by the University of Florida. It is this massive screened enclosure with waterfalls and flowers and birds and butterflies. The men and women who work there are supposed to educate while also protecting the environment.

I watched the butterflies that only live a few days, flying around me, and then I saw some who had flown to the top of the enclosure and sat there. My husband thinks it is the perfect world for them since they are free of predators, free to live a life of luxury for their short existence. I watched them and thought of a princess in a castle with guards in her fortress and maids and servants and cooks. I thought of how, given a choice, I would rather fly in the wind for 5 minutes fully and completely free, then be trapped in a beautiful castle, or a beautiful butterfly enclosure.

But not everyone is like me. My husband reminds me of this frequently. Most people don’t think like I do, love like I do, have compassion and empathy like I do, or see things from different perspectives like I do. That makes other people hard for me to understand and makes me hard for others to understand.

I remember once I was showing my mom why I did not eat pork because of how they are inhumanely kept in these barbaric cages and she said…but that is what they are made for and they know no different. But don’t they? I often feel like I am in a prison with this muscle disease body and inability to do so many things others take for granted and in the same breath am grateful that I CAN still do things that many cannot.

I went to the butterfly museum to achieve balance. I could not control my physical body. It was a bad day full of pain and inability. I could not control my mind which was full of despair and anger and defeat. My husband took me there to find a peaceful place of balance.

I had an hour before it closed by the time I got there. Butterflies were all over me. They were on my pants, my scooter, my head, my face, my hand. There were only a few visitors at that time. One little girl was with her mother from out of state and wanted so badly for a butterfly to land on her. One was on my finger so I reached over to let the butterfly gently walk onto her when the butterfly police reprimanded me to NOT TRANSFER BUTTERFLIES IT CAN BLIND THEM> ok buddy I am pretty sure letting one crawl on to someone else does not blind them but hey he’s just doing his job right? Protecting the butterflies. Well this little girl was bouncing around an bounding through the pathways and heir were butterflies COVERING the walkways. I thought to myself…what about those butterflies? Are you going to warn her to not step on them? He didn’t. He honed in on me for whatever reason and decided to follow me the entire time. He asked if I wanted to just transfer the butterfly to him. Um, so I can transfer it to him but not a child? Ok protecting the butterflies. But he was just such a pompous asshole that I said no. I would hold the butterfly. And I did. For that full time I was there I had the original intention to use my new lens and take 100s of photos of butterflies. Well, I had a butterfly on my hand and she did not want to leave. I couldn’t switch my lens or focus my lens or do much but take a few photos and hope they came out. I could have had a peaceful time with the butterfly and the environment but I had a man behind me breathing down my neck. He’d step back and then come forward again.

I then met another little girl who had a compromised immune system. She and I both noticed the blue butterfly. It was so beautiful. One wing had this purple hue and the other blue iridescent. I commented to her that the butterfly was injured on one wing and how amazing it was that this butterfly still had us in such awe in her beauty even though she was missing half a wing. It was a beautiful moment. She pointed out another butterfly I did not even see. I will forever think of this little girl if I think or see these butterflies again.

But the man still lurked around me so much so that I contemplated getting tossed out of the place and just blowing my top but there were two little girls there. So, there I was for an hour with this butterfly. I took some pictures of her. It wasn’t until the last few minutes she opened up her wings in the sun and I could see she had blue that was not apparent in the shade! I had tried to put her on flowers but she turned her back and kept walking towards me. So I drove my scooter with a butterfly on my finger and took pictures with a butterfly on my finger.

It was announced they were about to close and an older woman told me WE ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE. Um, yeah, I’m not deaf just in a scooter. AND I was near the exit door. I was searching myself to make sure there were no other butterflies on me when she said it was time to go and I told her I was making sure there were no butterflies on me as she said THAT’S OUR JOB as she starts coming up to me. I was very proud of myself for saying I could check myself and DO NOT TOUCH ME. Rare for me. She asked to take the butterfly off my finger. I said no. The lurking man was behind me. She was in front of me. And the little girls were beside me. I reached over for the 100th time to a flower and I tell you that butterfly stepped right onto that flower with a “FUCK YOU” look over the shoulder at the guy who was the lurker.

Peace was not restored in my mind. There is no need for rude behavior. No excuse in a butterfly rainforest for heaven’s sake. So I went outside and was determined to find some joy. I found a little pond and then some birds that posed just perfectly for me. They sat on this pole and sang songs back and forth and brought me great joy. Brought me some peace. Brought me some balance. For that moment I did not think about my muscle disease or pain, just the song birds.

I get that everyone has their issues, their battles, their struggles, their goals, their challenges, their inner fight, their exterior fight, but for the love of the world just be kind. Isn’t that a good step! I understand rules and regulations and I will follow them but tell me kindly and to hover and ruin my one hour to achieve peace. That guy has no idea what he COULD have done to defeat me even further. But I didn’t allow that. I found something else. My husband came to pick me up and I had for the moment found balance.

Pictures to follow in part 2.

Poetry: Oh to be a man

Oh to be a man

To walk with those heavy boots

Stomping down the hall

With a booming voice

That makes everyone in its way fall

And feel

Small

Oh to be a man

With a heavy leather belt

And the strength to make it be felt

That man given welt

Those rippled muscles

Ancient genes

Swinging bats and swords

Taking all in their path to their knees

Oh to be a man

To have that strength

To have that power

To not be afraid

To be secure

Not looking over their shoulder.

Oh to be a man

To demand

While others submit

Just to have that

Ability

The choice to stay

Or leave

Oh to be a man

With such presence

That can create silence

Oh to be THAT man

It would be easy

With the testosterone

Alone

But oh to be a man

who can possess gentleness

Oh to be a man

Who teaches and speaks

in soft kindness

And doesn’t view humble as weak.

And sees a woman in terms of equality

Oh to be a man

Who can rise above

Those men

And purely

Love.

In my yard

In my yard I discovered that in the dip in the land at the back of the property is this perfect arch of trees. I can’t normally walk down there and have not in years. I had no idea such beauty was there.

As I turned around I saw on the opposite side were trees that had reached almost completely sideways to reach the sun. Out past them, where the foxes live was an overnight field of yellow wildflowers.

I sat back on the deck and took pictures of the large live oak outside my bedroom, the beautiful bright soft green leaves on the tiny maple and the hole the woodpeckers have been working on in another tree. He was pretty night up and busy pecking so his head is a little blurry. The rope swing is also still there after 14 years

Then this bug caught my attention for awhile. I wonder how many people can watch a bug for an hour. I can!

I looked out and saw for only 3 seconds this tiny yellow bird. I cannot believe that I got a photo of him. I was super excited! Then the sun set and from my deck I took a picture of the clouds. For a few hours I had not a care in the world. Even my sweet owl came for a visit but I didn’t get a picture.