Meet Mary-Beth

Mary-Beth has left her nest and is learning how to fly. She is the daughter of my most favorite wren who sings to me every morning from one of her favorite spots..either the water faucet, the flower pot, or the chair I sit in on the deck. I adore her and watching her baby try to fly was precious! We won’t tell her about the patchy bald spots. She is giving it her all out there with mama and papa looking on!

Keep looking to the sky Mary-Beth, you can do it

Dark poetry TW

Do you want a happy little poem

That says the little girl in me is still alive

Well she is not

She died

My child like wonder did survive

My heart and soul did survive

But that 11 year old girl

You murdered her

First

Then the 12 year old emerged

And you murdered her

It should be more than a felony

The justice system let you flee

When a death sentence is what you need

For what you did to me

An eye for an eye?

Absolutely!

No turning the other cheek

That’s not meant for the yous

It’s meant for the meek.

You get no absolution

No, that’s an illusion

There are not enough hail Mary’s

To make you clean

Your sins run too deep

Pedophiles don’t get to be free

One day…you’ll see.

You kept stabbing

Grabbing

Robbing

Stealing

Depriving

Silencing

Trapping

Killing

Me

Oh I wait! There is a 13 year old

Gone

Same ole song

Another you

One more man

Follows along

Until I’m 15

I still have her memory

In the PTSD

Set in stone

That history

The man who killed the child

Bethany

Here I sit

Writing

About a dream

Not to resurrect the old me

Just to be ok

Being THIS me

Just

Being.

And letting that simple thing

Be a victory.

Abuse and murder

Are the same

Just given a different name

I can tell you how it feels to lose my life

I can tell you some things don’t heal with time

But here I am

A mother

A wife

I still have passion

I still have fight

This Bethany

Is still

Alive

But that little girl

You killed

And I will always mourn her

Loss of life

This Bethany

moves forward

Standing

In the light.

*photos of me, by me, depicting in pictures what words cannot express of the deep wounds left and how PTSD is felt

#wildhorses

My husband and I went out to the wetlands park today and were ofcourse thrilled the wild horses were there. I think they will be there for awhile until the prairie is not flooded. They are obviously getting all the nutrients they need, they look so shiny and healthy. So there are 2 mama’s each still nursing their own baby and each other’s baby. All three mares are pregnant. So 3 mares, 2 babies, and one stallion. Soon many more!!! Can’t wait!!!! Here are the photos I took tonight.

The park ranger told us that it took a million dollars to make half of the park wheelchair accessible which I was so grateful for. There isn’t any money to make the other half accessible but I can still look out over it. These were taken in the area that isn’t accessible to me but my husband steered the scooter for me and got me a little ways towards where they were but the rocks are hard to maneuver over. Fortunately they weren’t far away although after talking to the park ranger I almost wish they were further. As I find it a breath of fresh air everytime I see them, she said that she hoped they don’t get too used to people. And I agree. Oh they are so beautiful to be in the presence of. So so beautiful.

A walk around my yard

Due to the constant rain around here I took a quick drive one road over to see how bad the prairie flooding was. I can nolonger get to the prairie because the road is blocked due to flooding and the road right behind us has the prairie backed up to their back doors. Thankfully we are on high ground just one road over. I will so miss my nightly sunset views from the prairie.

The first photo is the fence along the prairie that has water up to the top board. The next is the tree on the prairie completely underwater. The next is the prairie road that is completely flooded. I used my zoom lens. The road is not accessible.

So I came home and decided to do a walk around my own yard and post those photos since prairie life is halted and the rain has kept me from wheelchair adventures.

My husband bought me (well the birds) a new bird bath and the old one got moved to another area. It’s funny with so much water everywhere they still come to the bird baths. Maybe because I put clean water in them and there is no risk of snake and alligator in a bird bath!

My live oaks (the earth’s live oaks) I always appreciate and love but have never photographed them. I look out each window in my house every day and am in awe of their beauty. I finally took some photos.

This was a walk around my yard:

A really bad no good day

The weather radar said no rain. The map showed no rain. I waited until the storm passed and the sun was shining when I left in my electric wheelchair and my camera bag. I brought an umbrella just in case but they sky was clear.

I go out every day to find something good. I thought I’d find raindrops. I drove my chair to the prairie and the road was closed because of flooding. All of the houses had backyards full of water. I turned to come home and it started to pour rain. POUR. My wheelchair wheel started shaking and would not stop. I think it was the wet roads and the fact that I paid $400 for new tires didn’t matter as the front tire was warped (yeah the manufacturer forgets a human will need these). I was only a mile from home. But that is 30 minutes by wheelchair that moves fast. I was inching along and the rain was blowing sideways. I opened my umbrella and realized my arm was too weak to hold it properly. I rested it on my head and tried to hold it while steering my squirrelly shaking chair. I was trying to avoid the dog poop people left in the road from their dogs and swerve around the puddles. Cars flew past me. No one slowed down. I got splashed with oil puddles. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to just start crying right there. My phone wasn’t connecting. I couldn’t call anyone. I was looking for an open garage and they were all closed!!!!!

I tried to cover my camera with a towel and bag but my electronics of my wheelchair were getting wet. I finally made it home and barreled in the front door. No one in the house even knew it was raining outside. Head phones. Fucking headphones.

Do you know what happens with soaking wet wheelchairs with dog shit and oil all over the tires? They have to be driven into the house! So i tried to wipe it off with my half dead arms and then drove it into a room and turned on the dehumidifier to try to dry out all of the electrical components of my camera and chair. I tried to crawl down the hallway to wipe up the oil streaks. But gave up and showered to try and relax the muscles that were burning in my shoulders.

As I was in my wheelchair today I kept thinking about my daughter’s suffering. I kept thinking about my suffering. Then I went through the lives of people that I have gladly been there for. I have rushed to the side of countless people in their time of need. Over and over and over again. I am a virtual dumping ground. I’ve let it happen. I want to help people. I had had a dream last night about my brother living in his facade life with his fancy restaurants and fancy cars. I thought about EVERYBODY in their fancy houses and living their fancy lives with their fancy cars that in the end call on me. Nomatter the time of day or night. I am always there. For everyone.

Yet, I drive 30 minutes in a wheelchair in the pouring rain while people splash me with mud puddles. Then go home and post their selfie showing the life they want everyone to believe they are living but not the real lives that they are crying to me about at 3 am.

There is a power in the truth that those not living it don’t know. It sucked being cold and wet and having my muscles screaming and wanting to scream my self. And that my friends is reality. Sometimes we are all alone in the pouring rain and we aren’t dancing in it because our fucking wheelchair has malfunctioned and we are stuck in a puddle with cars whizzing by!!!!!!

At least I am not living a lie…my truth is hard to hear. People don’t want to hear it. They never have. I can go to my grave knowing that I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for my daughter. I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for people in my life to feel loved and validated. I can go to my grave with no regrets. None.

Stay tuned….my truth will go on. I will never give in to what society wants from us. To have long flowing hair and spinning in dresses while laughing in the sun denying who we really are and want to be. Pretending that child molesters aren’t living next door and that our families are shaking their hands in front of others to save face and sacrifice their daughters.

Today was not a good day. Yesterday was not a good day. But it was real. I will never stop being real for those who cannot live with it. I’d rather be soaking wet with mud and have dog shit on my wheelchair and crawl down my hall all alone than live the life that those are living who have betrayed me. Every fucking day of the week.

I’ll be giving God a high five one day. Up high. Down low. Pretty sure most people who have crossed my path cannot say the same.

The Glass Castle kind of sort of movie review

The Glass Castle is somehow supposed to make us feel nostalgic. We are supposed to feel moved by this man who is “eccentric” and homeless and takes his children from place to place often with no medical care or food. We are supposed to be awed by his mystical words and his priceless ramblings about how the stars are more important than going to school. The mother felt it was ok to be so “artistic” that her paintings were more important than feeding her children. The family reminisces about how they all stuck together and all the fun times they had. It is somehow supposed to be a profound revelation to the viewer that we MUST remember the tiny morsels of good and forget all of the bad. Ahhh dad was just a drunk and spent his money on cigarettes instead of actually buying his kids shoes but he had some great words of wisdom on them world. He was dreamer, yippy. They show the real family at the end of the movie laughing about how they got stars in the sky for christmas because they had no money as if any of this movie is something to laugh about. I’m supposed to feel happy for them that they had the ability to live in a dysfunction family with a dysfunctional life in an illusion and just accept? Just be happy anyway?

This movie nauseated me. There was no honor, no true parenting, no real love. This movie makes a mockery out of what family should be. Why did this true story make it into the theaters? Why do people want to glorify injustices against children?

I give this movie 2 thumbs down. And I am no movie reviewer. And someone may think why on earth am I writing a movie review on a blog about abuse?

Because the movie was triggering. The movie made me think about how many people have told me that the bad needs to just be let go and I need to remember the good. Now the bad has no impact and no ramifications. How I should just focus on the good times and give no validation to the desolation I felt over the bad times.

There is no laughing around a table for me.

Maybe the rest of my family is laughing around their table.

Infact I am sure of it. This past thanksgiving they all had a hell of a time laughing and living that life they chose to live that did not include any glimmer of actual reality.

Posh lives. Rich lives. Empty souls.

It must be nice to have the luxury to pretend. Nothing happened to them so they get to. I don’t have that luxury. I have no luxury.

Yeah so I hated that movie. If you’ve been abused or abandoned or neglected I would say stay far far away from that movie. The end.

The cardinal family

I’ve had the absolute pleasure in watching two families in a day. The herd of horses family and the cardinal family. Both families work together. Both do not leave the others. Both help each other when in need. They work together. They love.

The cardinal I first saw when I was in bed and turned my ipad video on. A baby cardinal had flown up and gotten wrapped in a spider web. I video taped the scenario. You will see that the baby was on the ground trying to get the web off. The father IMMEDIATELY joined the baby. Soon after the sibling came. None knew quite what to do but they knew the baby was not ok. I was in a panic. I put the ipad down and went outside to try and catch the bird and get the web off. After doing 8 years of wildlife rehab I knew how to do it but back then I did not have a muscle disease so with all my might I could not catch this bird. I got my camera then and zoomed in so I could make sure she was ok. I watched as the father came back, the sibling came back. Another sibling came over. They all hid in the dead mimosa tree that was in the ditch behind our house. That mimosa tree was my favorite. It had to come down to put in a new drainfield. I was pretty upset about it having to be dug up. My husband chopped it all up and put it down in the ditch to be burned after it dried out. (We will plant another tree). As I sat there with my camera watching I was thrilled that the mimosa was there as a safe place for the cardinal to get the web off. She could not fly and was not safe with the hawks all over our yard. So I sat on the deck and watched her through my lens and I prayed and I prayed that she would be ok. What amazed me is that she did not give up and neither did her family. They didn’t know what they could do to help so they were simply…present. She worked and worked on that wing to get the web off and finally…flew away. The whole family flew away and I sighed such a sigh of relief. All was well in the cardinal world. So much love in those moments and hours that I sat watching. I’m glad I can share it with you. So when you watch the video just know, she ended up just fine.