Poetry

Two poems from my book of poetry : My Body Speaks


1

My vagina is on the witness stand. 

What? She cannot speak?!

 Oh, she’s up there wielding her sword 

anything but silent and weak. 

She stands for all. 

Strong enough to bear a child,

 and endure your countless crimes. 

She has now come forward. 

It is now her time. 

She will slash through your flesh 

another orifice no more. 

You are all on notice. 

You are all on trial, 

and the jury has come in. 

You, 

so sinister and vile,

 your freedom 

now 

ends.


2

I am no flower. 

I will not be plucked. 

Nor my petals stroked. 

I am not velvety. 

Nor do I have thorns. 

I will not be compared lessened to a metaphor. 

You speak of this rose 

so delicate

 as something you control

 as something you hold.

 I am no flower.

 Nor part or your tender poem. 

I am no flower. 

I am a woman.

WARNING TO THE LADIES ON WORDPRESS AGAIN

There are predators on wordpress. There are predators on wordpress. 

They will reblog your post and you will feel special. Ahhh someone thinks what you say is worthy of a reblog. You feel heard. You feel a protector has come into your midst. He will say all the right words. He will discover over time your weaknesses, your needs, he will then prey upon that and give you JUST what you need. 

Do not be confused. He is a predator. 

I can only warn you. If someone is reblogging all of your posts, asking personal questions, PUT UP YOUR BOUNDARIES! 

Listen, I get it. Someone reblogs your post. I do it when i find something that touches my heart and I really get it. But there is no need to kiss the ass of the person that has made you feel “heard”. It is validating that someone feels your words are repeating but that is where it ends. A simple thank you. I have opened up communication with many women who are survivors of abuse. This man is not that. This man is a predator. There is no need to go on and on praising and thanking. Ok? Your words matter whether someone comments, reblogs, or likes them. You matter. I care about every wordpress woman I have come in contact with so I send this one more warning. 

There are wordpress predators. Put up your boundaries. Keep them up. I promise you that an online man who is reblogging your posts will NOT give you any missing pieces that you have, fill any voids, or mend, or give you safety that you need. He will only hurt you. 

Be wary. Be aware. Don’t let him in. 

Please women in my tribe, be careful. 

To live

I read the first line of paperdoll’s post here I Will Just Get Through It | Paper Doll Therapy Blog

https://paperdolltherapyblog.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/i-will-just-get-through-it/

And it got me to thinking late into the night of if I am “enduring” or “persevering”.

  For me this means I am I EXISTING or am I LIVING?

When I go on my mindful walks I am LIVING.  That is only a tiny portion of the day. It deserves acknowledgment even in its minimal persevearance because it is a choice to purposefully live. 

I have been reading a book that one of my friends on wordpress suggested to me (I’d link to her but for some reason her name temporarily escapes me). The book is: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. It is a book about PTSD. I have just started reading it and I have stopped to process what I have read already. It is mind blowing to me. I feel understood. It pertains to this subject of living or lack of the ability of due to the monster of PTSD. 

“Their symptoms have their origin in the entire body’s response to the original trauma.” This line meant a lot to me. 

“Traumatized people look at the world fundamentally different from other people. For most of us a man coming down the street is someone taking a walk but a rape victim however may see a person who is about to molest her and go into a panic.” This meant a lot to me. 

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past, it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. The imprint has ongoing consequences for the human…to survive the present…..it changes…our very capacity to think.” All of this means so much to me. 

Reading this book made me understand why it is so hard to live. 

Again. These words make me feel deeply understood. So thank you for that kind soul who recommended it to me. 

I rarely feel understoood because I am NOT understood by those around me. 

So this book was a gift. 

Hopefully it will help me to process, grieve, do whatever I need to do to finally live again. 

It explains how you can repress the past until you have a simple trigger and it will all come back. I’d say that I held my life together pretty darn well for 40 years. Event through this muscle disease, the loss of family, etc. But PTSD took over my life after the loss of my dog, and the severity of my daughter’s illness became so prevelant. With my illness progressing as well, helplessness triggers severe PTSD and anxiety. I understand why this is happening. I just don’t know how to fix it. Therapy, meds, other modalities have not helped but in maybe tiny little bits up until this point.  Hopefully this book will give me the boost I need to not just “endure” and exist but live. 

The firefly, from my daughter. 

I have been looking for a firefly for months. My daughter finally caught this one when I was out on the praire checking on the animals. I was sooooo excited. She sent it to me so I could share with you the wonderment of the firefly aka lightening bug! OH and on my last post I accidently posted a woodpecker. She took that. I had been trying to get one for EVER and she got it for me. I love how she knows how to be mindful and see the beauty in nature. 

Gratitude 

We have survived hurricane Irma. My sweet owl has survived. The sweet pregnant (still pregnant) squirrel also survived. We lost power Sunday. We were blessed with cooler weather than I think has ever existed in Florida at this time of year, for the first 3 days. I prepped pretty well. Had water to flush the toilets (we are on a well and it takes power to get water). Had water for hand washing. Water for bathing. Ice for the food. Charged phones and wheelchair. Well…..it all flopped. It got hot, the ice melted, there was no ice in town, no gas in town, no water in town. We went to a friend’s house to get water for the toilets. Ended up charging the phone in the car in the driveway just to cool off. 

Knowing the hurricane was coming gave me a lot of helplessness, a lot of trigger responses, and a great amount of stress. On my walks though, it’s as if people were just sent to ease my mind. Each person I passed asked if I was okay and needed anything. 

I’d like to share some pictures of the damage around us, even though our yard was spared. 


*picture of me in wheelchair taken by husband

THE most shocking/amazing/ moment: My daughter and I went to sit outside after the storm had passed. Two neighbors drove up in their truck and raked our yard and sidewalk and driveway. Here is a picture of the work they did. 


One of these men has recovered from cancer. One has just recovered from open heart surgery. My daughter and I were both brought to tears. They had no power either and we were the third house they had helped clean! These men then stopped right there and prayed for OUR health. I mean….. who does this?!!!! These two men. GIFTS. I have such gratitude for them. They gave us hope and lifted our spirits. Such an act of kindness. True down to the core pure soul GOOD men. Wow. Just wow. 

My daughter and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking INSTEAD of being on social media, about everything under the sun. We all played UNO. My daughter won. She always has. We have played board games since she was 2 and she ALWAYS WINS! 

I still went for my mindful walks. This big beautiful massive dog stopped to give me kisses. Stopped. As in put both feet out and would not move. Came over and licked my legs like he knew that I was hurting so badly. I saw him twice on two seperate walked and asked if I could take his picture. I wanted to show my daughter THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!! Pouring water into the toilets for that amount of days hurt my body I think more than anything has in a long time. This dog somehow knew. He nuzzled, then kissed my legs, then kissed all over my face. I felt good in my soul like I used to feel when my sweet Jess was with me. 

My scooter parked behind my car while we sat and cooled off and charged our phone.


Then I had a panic last night…what about my sweet prairie animals!!!! So I drove there. Oh my gosh after the prairie the power lines were down with trees right on top of them throughout that whole neighborhood. 


And here are all my sweet babies that survived the storm. I know they are overexposed and super blurry but this was the best I could do in a rush 🙂 see mama squirrel came back a little wetter than she was before. My husband also saw her in the yard. Others were at the farm other than the random moth that I thought was super cool!


Then the flowers. I had a mindful walk where I looked for all things that stood strong through the winds. 


I even overcame my most dreaded stupid fear of grasshoppers. My daughter laughed and watched me as I took deep breaths and took that grasshoppers picture. 

*therapybits. The flowers were orange and yellow striped, One was a group of white flowers with white streamers, one was a red rose bud, and the other an open pink rose. The grasshopper still makes me want to vomit so I will not describe him 🙂 pregnant mama squirrel was on the window sill and the farm animal were the miniature horse, the donkey, and both goats. I mostly just pet and loved on the horse because I love her so much. 
I discovered reading by candle light is not easy. 


We decided a camping lantern was more logical. 

Two more things. I drove out last night trying to connect to someone’s wifi who had a generator and wifi so I could let those who reached out to me know that I was ok. I am sooooooo grateful to those bloggers/friends who emailed and messaged me. I felt so loved. It meant so much to me!!!!I found no wifi.  While I was out I saw this, I thought was a bird, I stopped. It was a moth. It looked like an angel moth. It took me a long time to get her out of the road. Here is a picture of her little angel wings. She flew and flittered all over my legs and face and arms. What a beautiful thing. I hope she is ok. I got her into the grass. 

I was then blessed by THE GREATEST SKY I HAVE EVER SEEN. 

NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A SKY LIKE THIS. IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS LIKE THOSE THINGS THAT REACH BEYOND JUST THE SURFACE OF THE HEART BUT HIT THE CORE OF YOUR BEING AND REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT WAS AN ORANGE AND BLUE I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I JUST SAT AND LOOKED. MY IPAD WAS AT 4%. I WAS ABLE TO TO TAKE 2 PICTURES. THEN I DIDN’T USE MY IPAD UNTIL TONIGHT WHEN IT CHARGED AGAIN TO SEND THIS POST TO MY DEAR FRIENDS. LOOK AT THIS SKY AND FEEL WORTHY. For therapy bits and other visually challenged friends, who cannot see it…know you are worthy and not alone. 


I actually gave thanks. I was hot. My body hurt. My daughter was feverish. I gave thanks because we have a lot to be thankful for. Soon after the power came on. Call it a coincidence, but I don’t believe in those.