“Why me?” A question you shouldn’t ask yourself

When you ask the question “Why ME?”, you are in essence saying that in some way you  had something to do with what happened to you. This is very unhealthy brain conversation that has to stop. Questioning why it happened to you is really blaming yourself or saying that IF you had done something differently then he would not have chosen you. By asking “Why me?”, you are really asking yourself,  ” What did I do to make him do this to me?” ” Why did it happen again?” “Am I doing something wrong that makes these men do this to me?”

The answer is NO. You did nothing! HE did something. THEY did something.

By asking “Why me?” you are saying that you have a label on your head that somehow signals bad men to come your way.This is on every level wrong. There is nothing about you that made this happen. There is nothing special about me that made men violate me. It was no ones fault except the men who violated me. They hold the accountability. They hold the blame. I asked myself this for years. I asked my husband why he thought men had done this to me. I thought it was because I was this quiet meek girl. I thought that if I had had a stronger personality then it would have changed what happened. My husband helped me to understand that I could not change who I was. The sweet person that I am is the reason that he loves me. My personality is what makes him love me. So that same personality cannot attract a violent crime. He helped me to understand that it had nothing to do with me.

I kept thinking, well, I was in a bathing suit since early on until I was 21 years old. Did that tell men to come and molest me? Did that invite men? Was it not my personality but just my situation?

No! Our clothing cannot be an excuse for a man to commit a crime. There are no excuses for crimes against women. The way you walk, the way you dress, the profession that you are in… none of these things gives a man an excuse to violate you.

The question “Why?” Shouldn’t be asked at all when you are violated. After I was violated by my best friend’s husband she asked me, “Why didn’t you just fight?” She said, ” You are strong, he is weak.” So this isn’t in reference to being a child who is molested but an adult who is victimized. I was an adult so it is assumed that I would fight. Does that mean if a woman has a black belt in Karate that if she didn’t fight then she is somehow to blame? She is somehow weak? I was a woman who lifted weights, had plenty of strength. But I didn’t fight. And I was asked “why?” So not only did I ask myself why but now I was having other people ask me why.

Well no one gets to ask that question any more than we should be asking it of ourselves. There are hundreds of reasons why. I was afraid of what would happen if I fought. I was afraid he would hurt me. I was afraid he would kill me. I was afraid. Too afraid to do anything at all. I  sat there and let it all  happen because my survival instincts kicked in and told me that to get away I should probably NOT fight. As a child I was asked why I went back to a house that a man abused me at. Why? Why does anyone think it is OK to ever ask a child or an adult that question? I actually tried to explain why and half way through I thought….Wait… Why does anyone get to ask me why I didn’t fight as I was getting attacked? How on earth does the victim get turned into someone who has to explain herself? Well she doesn’t have to. You do not owe anyone any answers on why and they should not be asking you in the first place. If they are then they do not have pure intentions and surely do not have your best intentions at heart.

We are victims of abuse. We are survivors of abuse. The word WHY cannot be assigned to a victim. The word WHY cannot be asked to the victim. Because we are innocent. We are innocent of everything that was done to us.

So I stopped asking myself “why me?”. If I was upset about  the event or events I just rephrased it to “I wish that it didn’t happen to me!” It is a very simple change with a very profound affect.

18 thoughts on ““Why me?” A question you shouldn’t ask yourself

  1. Pingback: “Why me?” A question you shouldn’t ask yourself | Onlybythegraceofgod's Blog

  2. Thank you so much for posting this. I was sexually assaulted on a bus by a stranger at 18 years old. When I approached my loved ones about it, they accused me of making it up. For years I let the experience affect my relationships with men-, especially sexual ones. It was only through therapy and going back to the event that I can now live freely. I rarely get on a bus nowadays but it is nice knowing that I can confidently and I am in control now. All the best to you- Amy Belle

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am so sorry that happened to you. And then your loved ones didn’t believe you which is complete revictimization to not be validated in the trauma.
      It is hard to not have it affect relationships. But you are so right, therapy can help overcome so many obstacles. I’ve been in trauma therapy for almost a year now I think and it has helped me immensely.
      Thank you for sharing your story with me. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery. In the truth we really gain so much strength.

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      • If I am to be honest your blog is the first one that I have come across that is so down to earth and real about being a victim. You are welcome. I would love to hear more about how you are getting on in therapy? Are NHS or private if you dont mind me asking? It is very tough and will always be with us I think. All the best- Amy Belle

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      • I LOVE that you feel it is down to earth. That is what I wanted to create. Something real and honest and raw and pure about every aspect of going through recovery of abuse and just my life.
        What is NHS or private mean?
        You can ask any questions!
        I am doing a particular kind of therapy called somatic therapy. It is identifying how your body reacts to triggers and giving your body what it needs to feel safe and healed. We revisit the trauma sometimes and give my body and my mind what it needed but never got to reframe the trauma into something that was more resolved. It is very intense therapy. Sometimes we scale back if i have too many dissociative episodes (PTSD). If I “check out” then we back off and work on grounding exercises. Sometimes the wounds are more open then other.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, your blog is amazing! Keep up the good work! So did you have one bad experience of sexual abuse or was it more frequent if you are comfortable with answering? If not please don’t worry. I thought you lived in the UK- the NHS is funded by the government therapy or privately you pay for it. I have had to pay for my therapy. Wow! It sounds like your therapy is very tough- I hope you it rewarding through? I dissociate a lot so I can understand. I don’t have any ground techniques but the dissociation doesn’t last more than a few minutes where as before it last a few hours. xx

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      • Oh my gosh no I live in FLorida in the USA. My therapy is fucking ridiculously expensive. To see a psychiatrist it is $300 and then like $180 follow ups. A therapist is $80. But to go once a week…lets just say the credit card HAS BEEN USED. It’s so wrong. Someone else should be paying for this you know? I didn’t do this to myself.
        I don’t mind any questions.
        I was sexually abused for many years by the same man. Then during those years 3 other men abused me in the same type of waterskiing scenarios.
        I then was in a few abusive relationships because it was just all I knew. I blamed myself for that for a long time because I thought I chose it so I deserved it. I just had no self worth. I had no boundaries. I didn’t know myself and I did not know love without hurt. I had a lot of work to do on myself which I have done. During that process I had to drop many people who were hurting me in my family. I only wish i had done it sooner. It is my one regret. But I couldn’t have done what I was not aware of yet. Awareness took time. So has recovery. I am still in the thick of it. PTSD is awful and I have a ton of triggers I am working through to cope with.
        Therapy has helped me ALOT. She has given me many tools that help to ground me. One is being mindful. Focusing on something in the room or outside and describe and immerse myself in that object or item so that it is all that is filling my mind. Another is visualize a force field around my where nothing gets in buy my voice can break out and speak the truth. I am protected and safe there. Just a few things I have been working on.

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      • Oh bless you, you have been through so much. I would life to shove a pineapple up these mens arses- they aren’t even men they are c*nts. Sorry lol. It sounds like you are half way there already in your recovery. You took the big step to talk about your sexual abuse openly and to help others- that is amazing! I practice mindfullness all the time. I am doing it now replying to my blog comments. I will try the “force feild” activitity later. The cost of therapy is awful. Mine costs about the same. The government should have to pay for it or at least half fun it. The NHS just bunbled everyone together which is cheapest. I hate group therapy. What is your star sign if you don’t mind me asking? Are you a Cancerian? Love Amy Belle x

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  3. Amen amen amen! I am also a sexual abuse survivor – my father molested me when I was three years old. I didn’t deal with it until my own daughter was three, and then I fell apart. Massive flashbacks, terrible fears that I might be a perpetrator also (I’m not!), and much pain. Even though I was three, I thought it was my fault, for years and years. Now, I’m in a better place, with PTSD mostly at bay. I’ve just followed your blog, and look forward to joining you on your journey.
    ~Audrey

    Liked by 1 person

    • Audrey, my heart goes out to you! I thank you so so much for sharing your story here. It helped remind ME of something. That the triggers and nightmares started as my own daughter has gotten to the ages when I was abused. Isn’t it funny how one comment can mean so much in a person’s healing. Thank you. It seems so clear to me why things are even more difficult right now.
      I am so sorry you were abused and that you have flashbacks. I feel really honored that you follow my blog. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Bethany
    Thanks for the warning and glad you could see the signs and get off. I wish though you could post the blog name or the site so others might be warned( or is that too evil a thing to ask?)
    We need to publicise the names of the abusers, is what I feel.
    Susie

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  5. An important message (and blog) you shared. Will add it upcoming week to my weekly ‘Other Beautiful Posts’ update, so more people being abused can read this.
    Kind regards from a neighbor on our globe.
    XxX

    Liked by 1 person

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