When you ask the question “Why ME?”, you are in essence saying that in some way you had something to do with what happened to you. This is very unhealthy brain conversation that has to stop. Questioning why it happened to you is really blaming yourself or saying that IF you had done something differently then he would not have chosen you. By asking “Why me?”, you are really asking yourself, ” What did I do to make him do this to me?” ” Why did it happen again?” “Am I doing something wrong that makes these men do this to me?”
The answer is NO. You did nothing! HE did something. THEY did something.
By asking “Why me?” you are saying that you have a label on your head that somehow signals bad men to come your way.This is on every level wrong. There is nothing about you that made this happen. There is nothing special about me that made men violate me. It was no ones fault except the men who violated me. They hold the accountability. They hold the blame. I asked myself this for years. I asked my husband why he thought men had done this to me. I thought it was because I was this quiet meek girl. I thought that if I had had a stronger personality then it would have changed what happened. My husband helped me to understand that I could not change who I was. The sweet person that I am is the reason that he loves me. My personality is what makes him love me. So that same personality cannot attract a violent crime. He helped me to understand that it had nothing to do with me.
I kept thinking, well, I was in a bathing suit since early on until I was 21 years old. Did that tell men to come and molest me? Did that invite men? Was it not my personality but just my situation?
No! Our clothing cannot be an excuse for a man to commit a crime. There are no excuses for crimes against women. The way you walk, the way you dress, the profession that you are in… none of these things gives a man an excuse to violate you.
The question “Why?” Shouldn’t be asked at all when you are violated. After I was violated by my best friend’s husband she asked me, “Why didn’t you just fight?” She said, ” You are strong, he is weak.” So this isn’t in reference to being a child who is molested but an adult who is victimized. I was an adult so it is assumed that I would fight. Does that mean if a woman has a black belt in Karate that if she didn’t fight then she is somehow to blame? She is somehow weak? I was a woman who lifted weights, had plenty of strength. But I didn’t fight. And I was asked “why?” So not only did I ask myself why but now I was having other people ask me why.
Well no one gets to ask that question any more than we should be asking it of ourselves. There are hundreds of reasons why. I was afraid of what would happen if I fought. I was afraid he would hurt me. I was afraid he would kill me. I was afraid. Too afraid to do anything at all. I sat there and let it all happen because my survival instincts kicked in and told me that to get away I should probably NOT fight. As a child I was asked why I went back to a house that a man abused me at. Why? Why does anyone think it is OK to ever ask a child or an adult that question? I actually tried to explain why and half way through I thought….Wait… Why does anyone get to ask me why I didn’t fight as I was getting attacked? How on earth does the victim get turned into someone who has to explain herself? Well she doesn’t have to. You do not owe anyone any answers on why and they should not be asking you in the first place. If they are then they do not have pure intentions and surely do not have your best intentions at heart.
We are victims of abuse. We are survivors of abuse. The word WHY cannot be assigned to a victim. The word WHY cannot be asked to the victim. Because we are innocent. We are innocent of everything that was done to us.
So I stopped asking myself “why me?”. If I was upset about the event or events I just rephrased it to “I wish that it didn’t happen to me!” It is a very simple change with a very profound affect.